The Good, The Bad and the Notecard

I do not even remember how long it has been since I first started using The Notecard. Little did I know how much it has helped me to grow and deal with the daily challenges which go along with having a mental illness. Little did I know the impact it would make, especially as I answer the questions in a journal in order to process thoughts and difficult circumstances.

The Notecard is just that... it's a notecard. But it has "special powers," mainly allowing me to pause, reflect and help me get out of a paranoid or psychotic state independently and creatively.

The Notecard has gone through many revisions, as I have found some questions to help me more. The current state of The Notecard is probably at the best it has ever been. Taken from suggestions, feedback and advice from those around me, I have created questions on The Notecard to help me to cope best with what I deal with every single day.

So here are the questions I use, as they may help you or someone you know to cope with mental illnesses.

Drumroll, please...

• What can I do NOW to cope with these thoughts?
• Is there a more reasonable way to think about these thoughts or the circumstance that I need to deal with?
• Am I focusing on things that are irrelevant? Is my mind trying to piece things together that makes my mind more chaotic or frightened?
• Is there anything I need at this point or are there ways to cope or deal with these thoughts or this difficult situation more independently?
• Are any of my thoughts distorted (i.e. black/white thinking or catastrophization)? If so, how can I think differently, stop or lessen these thoughts?
• Are there any situations or thoughts that are stressing me out? If so, what can I do to "destress" (i.e. meditation, going for a run or a walk)

 
Overall, The Notecard helps me through many situations, even the good and the bad. It keeps me moving forward and I have used it on grocery trips (since I have been known to have paranoia in the grocery store). I have used it in all sorts of situations and I feel blessed to have something so quite simple that has made a profound difference in my life.

A Mental Vacation

Earlier this afternoon, I had to do something that was very difficult for me to do. I had to stop my volunteer work, both since I am gearing up for classes in May in order to receive an MSW and also because it was incredibly stressful for me and ultimately triggered some of my symptoms, specifically paranoia.

While I feel like this is somewhat of a failure, deep down I know that I need to step back and be honest with myself on everything that I can handle.

I am an overachiever. In my first two years of college, I had a 3.986 GPA in an overload of classes (21 credits (normal of 18)), was in the Honors Program, worked part time at 2-5 jobs, participated in various clubs and organizations and still somehow had time to watch a Netflix movie nearly every night despite a bedtime of 10pm at the latest.

That ultimately led to the cookie crumbling...

I tried to take my life in 2009 due to paranoia, mania and depression all at the same time. I took a medical leave of absence, in which I came to the conclusion that I needed to step back and again, be honest with myself about everything that I can handle.

Sometimes, we have to realize that we cannot possibly be all and do all. I am not God. I am ONE person in a sea of millions of lives.

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by our own "bubbles" that we forget the meaning of life. To me, meaning comes from helping others. To me, meaning comes from realizing that I also need to take care of myself. To me, meaning comes from being the best person I can be.

However, there are limitations... human limitations. We can help others but ultimately, we need to do what's best for us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

There are so many billions of lives on this earth that we can barely even make a dent in our society, nation and world. However, at the end of the day, we can make a difference by how we treat others AND ourselves. If each of us makes a positive dent in our circle of our lives, we ultimately can positively change the world. We need to work together.

Some may believe or think that taking care of ourselves is selfish, but overall we can help more people if we first take care of ourselves.

Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need a mental vacation. Sometimes we need to just sit and calm down as we watch a sunrise or a sunset.

So, yes, I do believe that my decision to stop volunteering for awhile is healthy for me. I will be able to learn more skills and be able to continue to move forward.

I Believe

I believe in hope.
       I believe in peace.
                 I believe in unconditional love.
I believe that all lives matter.
       I believe in inclusion.
                 I believe in acceptance.
I believe in the power of both the individual and collective voice.
       I believe in positive transformation.
                 I believe in making lives better and easier.
I believe in helping others through my actions and words.
       I believe in listening to those who need a voice.
                 I believe in random acts of kindness.
I believe in the power of working together.
       I believe in learning about the cultural differences of those around me.
                 I believe in the power of gratitude and knowing all the ways I am fortunate.
I believe in teamwork and collaboration.
       I believe in learning from mistakes.
                 I believe in accepting that the past cannot be changed.
I believe in staying in the present and taking each day at a time.
       I believe that our time here on earth is precious.
                 I believe that everybody has different talents.
I believe that everyone can be strengthened through support and encouragement.
       I believe in the fact that I want and deserve to be loved no matter what.
                 I believe that there is a reason for everything.
I believe in a world in which there are no wars, terrorists or hatred. 

I believe in love.

The Lion

I started coloring about a year ago after staying in a hospital mental health inpatient unit for a few weeks. Most of you know that I have been in many different hospitals (about 15 or 16) due to struggling with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and PTSD.

I have found that challenging coloring pictures like the one above help me to calm down. They take time and I am often distracted from my symptoms when I find patterns to color. One of my favorite things about coloring is watching the transformation as the colors bring the picture to life. It is often difficult when you begin because you are just coloring small shapes. You cannot see the whole picture in your mind, much like in life. Over time, our lives are good and bad, but often are overwhelmed by good.

A friend of mine sent me a note this morning, which said "The best is yet to come. Keep dreaming, hoping and planning." I thought this is such an amazing truth.

I have been struggling a lot recently with my illnesses. I have had both very disturbing paranoia and PTSD flashbacks.

But I have not let it get to me. I find that it is these trying times that bring us closer to God and His ability to help us dream about the awesome lives that we can lead, whether we have mental illness or not. To me, I believe that dreams really can come true.

Last week,  I was in the Emergency Room for 6 hours due to my struggles, but I was discharged (after talking the treatment team for awhile). Later that day, I received an acceptance letter for an online Masters of Social Work program. We must always keep moving forward because we have no idea what kind of great things can happen. I accepted the offer because it is one of the top schools in the nation. In my personal statement, I talked about how much social workers have helped me get to where I am now. I have been inspired by the many social workers who have allowed my dreams to come true.

Never doubt hope. Never doubt that side of you that knows you can be brilliant or make this world a better place. I hold hope very closely because I know that great things can happen, no matter how arduous life can be or seem.

Be like the lion- strong, beautiful and powerful. Find that hope and strength inside you that cannot be taken away.

This World

This world has
no room for hate
no room for discrimination
only love

This world has
no room for judging others
based on what they look like
or their gender
only love

This world has
no room for endangering others
no room for hurting others
through our words and actions
only love

This world has
no room for swastikas
no room for terrorism
or violence
only love

This world has
no room for hate
no room for hate
ONLY LOVE

The Current Situation

As someone with a lot of creativity, I enjoy processing incoming information and creating different ways to deal with a lot of my anger, frustration, difficult times and mental illness symptoms. As nearly all of us Americans, as well as people around the world, I am aware of many of the struggles we are currently facing.

So here goes my creativity...

Everyone knows about Legos. Whoever does not know what they are should take a trip to the local craft store or toy store. They are basically building blocks.

Imagine you are a young girl of age 6... You are working incredibly hard on building a dollhouse out of a mountain of pink Legos. You put in all your effort to get each room set up. You even put some windows in and little doll beds, little dressers and maybe even a couch.

Yes, the dollhouse is not perfect. You may be missing spots here and there, but when you finish making the dollhouse, you sit back and believe it is absolutely perfect. You put all of your hard work into making this dollhouse. You stand back and silently pat yourself on the back for making what you believe to be a "masterpiece" or maybe one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

Here comes your older brother. He is annoyed about all of the attention your friends and family are giving to you. He comes in rage, calls you names, and completely.... ruins.... your... dollhouse... A...million... tiny... pieces.

No, that did not just happen. 

You feel like your whole world has been shaken up.

It feels like everything you worked hard for is now.., gone. It kind of feels like that magic trick in which a magician very quickly pulls the tablecloth under all of the plates and bowls on a table.

Then you realize you can do something about what just happened. You control your reaction. You can either do it quietly within your mind or you can move forward and fight the battles that are worth fighting for.

Your mother comes in the room shortly after what happened. You run to her and cry, but together you think of ways to deal with the "tragedy." Not only is your reaction important, but your actions can speak volumes as well. Instead of crying for days, you stand up to your older brother, you peacefully go over to him and explain that it was not right what he did. You peacefully explain that his temper tantrum ruined something that you loved. You peacefully allow him to process through what he has just done. You stand there, praying with him to see where he went wrong and how he can make it right.

Your mother comes in and says it is important to stand up for what is right, She says that even though it seems like a useless effort to change your brother's reaction and temper tantrums, there is always hope that he will change and correctly decipher what is right and what is wrong.

Your father comes home, just as your mother finished talking to you both. He encourages you on this battle. He gives you his love and affection, allowing you to continue to process what is happening. He talks to your brother, helping him peacefully see where he went wrong. He even kneels down to help you, your older brother and your mother as you all piece together the dollhouse again. Nobody is yelling, Everyone is peacefully laughing, hugging and embracing who each of you are and what you are capable of doing together.
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As you may have figured out, this story is not unlike what is going on in our current political situation in America. "You" is the citizen and your "older brother" is our current American political leader. Your "mother" is all of the people rising up and standing up for themselves, especially the 3-5 million women and men who are standing up for what is right during the Women's march. Your "father" is God, your Higher Power or whoever you look to as "bigger than you," who stands with you and for you.

I know that this situation may feel very scary, but it is not that scary when you realize that we as citizens have a collective voice, both only through ourselves, or as a greater group power. We know that we can overcome anything with each other. We know that we should not be afraid of anything, because God has the ultimate control.

Let's stand up. Let's march. Let's support each other. Let's love women. Let's love those who are different from us. Let's love the most marginalized. Let's show love towards those around us, no matter who we are. 

Let's love, not hate.

Peace be with you all.

R.I.P. Bro

10 years ago, I was doing my language arts homework on my bed in my room. My mother and I had just moved into an apartment after a period of homelessness.

I was 17 years old, going on 45, with all of the struggles I went through at the time.

I heard my mother's cell phone start ringing, with a "hello" to the person on the other side of the phone.

Suddenly, I could not decipher if she was sobbing or laughing.

I did not want it to be true.

My mother eventually came into my room, with a face red of tears. The minute I saw her tears and heard her sobbing, I knew it had happened. I asked her anyways.

"Is it Michael?" I bravely asked.

"Yes. He took his life." she said.

Those few words changed my life. No longer did I have two brothers. No longer would I ever see his face.

Though he may have gone, his memories live on in all the lives of those who knew him.
i will never forget saying goodbye or his face at the wake. i will never forget my mother, my other brother and I hugging each other, with my mother yelling "WHY?"

We have realized since his death that we may never know the answer to that question.

I will never forget visiting his spot in the cemetery, in disbelief that my oldest brother, Michael, was under all that dirt, never to be seen again other than in family photographs. I will never forget all of the outpouring support, love and encouragement from my high school peers and most of those at my church.

I will never forget being paranoid in recent hospitalizations, believing that my brother's suicide was a prank on me. A setup. A joke. He faked his death, didn't he? He had to have.

That just goes to show you that I never really felt closure. I could not go to the funeral due to the fact that my father was there.

Michael, I think of you often. I wish the drugs and alcohol had not gotten the best of you. I believe you are in a better place though. I hope you feel relief from the struggles that you endured here. I hope you know that I forgave you for all of the mistakes.

If anyone tells you that they are suicidal or that you feel suicidal, please GET HELP. There are many supportive people out there who can help you, your family member or a friend.

To those who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, remember that you mean so much to so many and you can work through that stuff. There is always hope for another day.

R.I.P Michael Kowal 11/14/1981-1/25/2007