R.I.P. Bro

10 years ago, I was doing my language arts homework on my bed in my room. My mother and I had just moved into an apartment after a period of homelessness.

I was 17 years old, going on 45, with all of the struggles I went through at the time.

I heard my mother's cell phone start ringing, with a "hello" to the person on the other side of the phone.

Suddenly, I could not decipher if she was sobbing or laughing.

I did not want it to be true.

My mother eventually came into my room, with a face red of tears. The minute I saw her tears and heard her sobbing, I knew it had happened. I asked her anyways.

"Is it Michael?" I bravely asked.

"Yes. He took his life." she said.

Those few words changed my life. No longer did I have two brothers. No longer would I ever see his face.

Though he may have gone, his memories live on in all the lives of those who knew him.
i will never forget saying goodbye or his face at the wake. i will never forget my mother, my other brother and I hugging each other, with my mother yelling "WHY?"

We have realized since his death that we may never know the answer to that question.

I will never forget visiting his spot in the cemetery, in disbelief that my oldest brother, Michael, was under all that dirt, never to be seen again other than in family photographs. I will never forget all of the outpouring support, love and encouragement from my high school peers and most of those at my church.

I will never forget being paranoid in recent hospitalizations, believing that my brother's suicide was a prank on me. A setup. A joke. He faked his death, didn't he? He had to have.

That just goes to show you that I never really felt closure. I could not go to the funeral due to the fact that my father was there.

Michael, I think of you often. I wish the drugs and alcohol had not gotten the best of you. I believe you are in a better place though. I hope you feel relief from the struggles that you endured here. I hope you know that I forgave you for all of the mistakes.

If anyone tells you that they are suicidal or that you feel suicidal, please GET HELP. There are many supportive people out there who can help you, your family member or a friend.

To those who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, remember that you mean so much to so many and you can work through that stuff. There is always hope for another day.

R.I.P Michael Kowal 11/14/1981-1/25/2007