Evolution of Masks

Many of you know that I am currently in an outpatient mental health program. Yesterday, I asked for a prompt for art therapy that I could work on over the weekend. I love expressing myself with pastels, painting, and color pencils.

The prompt that I was given was this: Draw a mask.

I have done more than that and have enjoyed working on this project.

This is the first mask picture I drew:

In this drawing, it looks as if the eyes are tired, and yesterday afternoon, I was exhausted from going to program every day. I felt drained yesterday. The mouth of this mask is neither happy nor sad, exactly how I felt. However, the mouth was not my mouth, it was the mask's. Sometimes I feel as though I do not have a voice. I often feel that I do not fully let everyone see who is behind the mask. The mask is dark on one side and fairly light on the other side. This represents the dichotomous nature of my mental illnesses and life in general.

This is the first picture I painted this morning.

In this picture, there is a lot less darkness. That's because when I drew this I only had a few flashbacks and no nightmares. There is no mouth on this mask. I feel that the viewer can sense what is going on in this piece without anything explicit or elusive. In the middle of the mask, there are swirls of black and some light colors in the back. This is representative of how I feel myself becoming whole and more light. Overall, the swirls of darkness are not so overwhelming. The background resembles the fact that I am slowly coming back to the present without having paranoia, psychosis, hallucinations, etc. The eyes are very dark, which is supposed to reflect that at this stage, I am scared to let people see all of me.

This was my second art piece this morning.

This is a great departure from my first two paintings. The broad spectrum of colors represents the fact that I feel a mixture of feelings. The colors on the mask almost fit together with the external colors. I am feeling that my feelings inside are being validated by those around me. They tell me I am allowed to feel that range of emotions. I am starting to let people "in" so they can understand me further. It is important to note that there is no smile on this mask, because I believe that the viewer can understand where I am emotionally at this point without blatantly saying it on the painting.

This is the third painting I drew this morning:

This painting, again, is a departure from the last few. There is almost no darkness in this painting. It is important to note that this painting was drawn right after going for a 2-mile run. The external area depicts a peaceful scene of nature, with the sun, a clear blue sky, grassy field and three flowers.  My emotions are definitely matched with my internal emotions. I feel renewed, inspired, and awake, as seen in the mask. I am reminded that there is a light within me that can conquer any darkness. The flowers represent my growth and transformation. My mouth is open, meaning that I feel like I have an important voice. Running helps me to feel strong and empowered. I feel close to God.

Finally, this is my fourth painting this morning.

This painting most represents how I feel in general these days. The mask is breaking and I am finding my voice again. I have learned a lot about myself and how much light there is inside of me. I love the power in this painting, shown through the colors and the fact that the viewer can begin to see my face. The colors outside are supposed to represent the people who have helped me and encouraged me through all of the difficult times with my mental illnesses. I feel that it is okay and safe to get rid of any mask I may put on. There are people who care about and understand me. I am very strong now and I feel that I can conquer anything set before me.

The Serious Race

Now I am really upset.

I made the mistake of looking up on Google "Trump and mental health." Amidst articles declaring that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder, I found an article in which Trump equated those with mental illness and sickos, in light of the current stigmatization of those with mental illness due to the increase in shootings. Sadly his view is not that uncommon.

I do not have a TV. Granted, sometimes I watch some shows on Netflix, such as "Fuller House." Thanks to Facebook, I do not even have to look far to find out what is happening during the Presidential race, or at least the last few antics. And what I see is an almagamation of a circus and a reality show. Every other post on my News Feed says "Guess what happened now with Hillary Clinton, Trump, Ted Cruz, Bernie Sanders..., "You won't believe what they did 5 years ago." You get the picture. People make mistakes but it angers me that the political race centers on everything going wrong rather than what each candidate has done to further our lives as US citizens. I want to see what they will bring to the table as President.

We are not just voting for the Last Survivor. We are voting for the President of the United States, who will transform our country for the next 4 to 8 years. I want the gravity of this situation to sink in.

Over the last few years we have seen all the good and bad things that these candidates have done all over social media. Everybody makes mistakes. It's what they do after the mistake that matters most. Did they learn from it? Have they moved past it in order to be a better person? If so, then I would love to vote for that person.

I want to go back to the days when families sat around the TV, listened intently to the debates and chose based on what they saw in each presidential candidate. I want to go back to the days when people focused on the real issues at heart, not which candidate made them laugh the hardest.

We are not electing the President for one day. This is not some sort of odd race to be the next Bachelor of America. This is a race to figure out who will further our country and make changes for the good of all of us who live in this wonderful country. America makes an impact in countries around the world. Think about this impact as well..

I am honestly frightened because I deal with schizophrenia, bipolar I and PTSD. It scares me that some of the candidates running for President carry such stigmas against so many people in America. I want a President who understands what disabled people go through.

Even though I have serious mental illnesses, I hold a Masters Degree in Biomedical Engineering and am currently waiting to find out if I am accepted into a PhD program. I have a few ideas that would transform our world while also alleviating the stigmatization of those with mental illness, as well as, other disorders and diseases. I have made it my mission in life to help those all around the world.

In other words, there are people with mental illness  and disorders who work hard to make a difference all over the world. I would never even think to do anything that would hurt people.

Change the stigmas and remain positive. Take the race seriously.

Clear Blue Sky

I was discharged from a 13 day hospitalization in the psych unit yesterday. I think it was my 14th hospitalization.

I majorly needed some medication changes, as I became resistant to one. My first few days in the hospital were a blur, with paranoia taking over and darkening my world to the point that I felt that everyone on Earth was against me. As the days went by, I told my nurses exactly what I was feeling and believed to be true. Some later told me that they had never seen the amount of insight that I had about my mental illness before. Even at my darkest, I was trying to climb up the ladder out of the pit as I fought to overcome the fog and terror that invaded my mind.

Paranoia is frightening.

But God can overcome and conquer anything.

About a week in to my stay, I began to feel much better. I honestly did not really keep track of the medications since I usually tend to believe I have a ton of side effects. I let the nurses/doctors do what they do best and left the rest up to God.

They told me they added a medication about a week and a half in and almost immediately, I felt a huge weight lift out of my head. I thought clearly for the first time in awhile. The paranoia began to dissipate until it was totally gone. The dark clouds gave way to a bright sun and a clear blue sky.

On one of the last days of my visit, a nurse asked me how my paranoia was. I replied, "What paranoia?" I cannot even describe the joy we both felt. I think I was grinning from ear to ear.

I got home yesterday and spent about 7 hours on the phone with friends and family.

To all those who supported, encouraged, prayed for, cared about, and helped me through the last 2 weeks, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I was a little upset that I had to break my 14 month streak without a hospital visit, but I know I made the correct choice by going there. I would rather stay 2 weeks in the hospital to get my medications adjusted correctly than not. I am eternally grateful for all of the support I received.

I want it gone

In creating this blog a few years ago, I promised that it would be an honest portrayal of what it means to have mental illness, as I struggle with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.

Like all of us human beings in this world, we encounter troubling times and things that really hurt us.

Last week, I felt all the above. Every day last week, I dealt with difficult symptoms of paranoia and PTSD. Even when I think back to last week, I feel the hurt, the pain, the fear. I was and am terrified.

I WANT IT GONE!

Last week, I also had a kind of flashback I have never encountered before. When I was in it, I could not talk. I was hyperventilating. It was one of (if not) the scariest  and deepest flashback I have ever felt.

At some points this week, I voiced to people that I am sick of this and cannot take it anymore. Even though I say things like that every so often, I always feel God's presence so I move forward.

Today, I am at a scale 2/10, 1 no flashbacks/paranoia, 10 all the time. Earlier this week I was at 15/10.

No matter how hard life is, it is always worth it to live.

Monumental Milestone

I struggle with paranoia and psychosis at times. I struggle with these symptoms from time to time.

Over a year ago, I went to a church that would be the last service I had been to.

I was disappointed greatly with that church.

During my last service there, I kept leaving the sanctuary to check if the FBI was outside. I felt no support with my symptoms. Nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody came up to me even though I was distraught and confused. My paranoia was too difficult to deal with so I left the church and said I was never going to go back there or no other church in general.

It is very difficult to be symptomatic in church because I felt judged by the fact that I kept leaving. I assume they thought I was rude or I did not hear the sermon because I did not want to.

Trust me, I wanted to be a part of the worship time. But my paranoia did not let that happen. I heard people laughing at me.

Welcome to a year and a half later...

I was praying God to lead me to a church. I am one to believe that you can go to church every day of your life and be a minister everywhere you go through your loving kindness to those around you.Church can happen anywhere or anytime. Church is a place to find support in your walk with Christ. However, there is nothing saying that you have to go to church to be Christian.

I went to church this morning for the first time in over a year. I had no paranoia and minimal anxiety. The congregation was fairly small, which helped with my symptoms. I got to the church and a nice lady helped me find the door to get in. I was introduced to quite a few people. The nature was very kind and loving.

Granted, I did not tell anybody at the church about my chronic mental illnesses. I did not feel the need to since I felt so at home being there. I did not tell anybody there that it had been over a year since I went to a church service.

For me, it was a monumental milestone.

New Year Resolutions

I do not know about you but I made tremendous progress in nearly every aspect of my life in the past year. As I look at the year that just passed, I am always reminded of God. Last year was awesome, but I am going to work even harder in 2016. I may even be going to back to school to receive a Doctor of Philosophy degree (PhD).

In 2009, I took a severe fall of 30-40 feet and the doctors said I may never walk again. Well, this past year, I ran nearly every day for different charities. I am so grateful for all that God has done in my life, as well as my "guardian angels" I have found in this life. I look up to them and I wanted to pay it forward by living life to its fullest, in more ways than one. I have been extremely blessed, EXTREMELY. That is what motivates me to help.others. I want to make my own mark in this world.

I could have died plenty of times in my life. I have often asked God why I haven't died and He answers me in the strength, and courage He gives me every day to deal with multiple chronic mental illnesses. I have learned to love life again, despite the constant challenges. He helps me to make a difference in this world. I want to keep giving to others my time and effort. It makes my borrowed time even more beautiful.

Here are my 10 New Years Resolutions

1. Run a half marathon.
2. Read 15 books.
3. Do something majestic or new..
4. Listen more.
5. Crochet 200 scarves for charities (75-100 to homeless people on the streets)
6. Work on my memoir.
7. Celebrate 2 years without a hospitalization.
8. Meet more people.
9. Donate my hair.
10. Run 250 miles using Charity Miles

New Years Resolutions

What is your New Years Resolution?

Here's mine and it has separate parts to it.

Listen better: Sometimes I have some trouble concentrating in a conversation or I'm so busy to reply that I unintentionally ignore them. I am willing to work o that this next year.

Don't be prideful. My pride has hurt a lot of people, especially those in college. In college, I was manic about 95% of the time. I thought I was invincible all the time. I think back to those times and I cringe. It hurts me to know that I hurt people. I'd like to work on humility.

Be more patient. Thanks to our 24/7/365 mentality, it is hard not to rush things. But we also must have fun in this life and take our time to enjoy every second of our lives.

Stay out of the hospital for another year. I just celebrated my 13th month anniversary of getting released from my last hospitalization. This is one of my largest resolutions.

Run a Half Marathon (13.1 miles) or a few 5Ks..Running is a great outlet for me to handle my symptoms. While I train, I raise money for many different charities.

Teach myself how to play piano better. I love playing and feeling surrounded by sound. Playing always calms me down.

Write a new song.

Crochet at least 200 scarves next fall/winter.

Spread love. Everyday people deserve to be loved no matter how difficult and seemingly futile it feels. Spreading love does not have to cost anything. Opening the door for someone or laughing with someone can make a difference.