My boyfriend (ex now) broke up with me earlier this past week. I still am in the processing phase and possibly the Serenity Prayer phase.
Folks, life is not easy and, for some, that is an understatement.
But do our lives stop when difficult things happen?
No, not at all.
In fact, life starts a new phase every time we overcome something or deal with it in a healthy manner.
Every day we live, we make choices about our reactions. It's almost as if we have a new life or a new start every morning. You can be stuck in the pain or you can climb out of the pit.
Me, I get up and start running every morning because 6 years ago I fractured vertebrae in my back and the doctors said I was lucky to survive and lucky not to have a spinal cord injury.
Running is a constant reminder for me of how blessed I am to still be alive, even though I am processing a hard breakup as well as trying to figure out a dire situation with my insurance.
Even on the most futile days of my life, I love life.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago, I nearly lost my life to a suicide attempt. A very serious one that almost resulted in a spinal cord injury.
6 Years Ago, I never could have imagined where life was going to take me in the next 6 Years.. All of the positive moments that I would never have gone through if I had not survived.
6 Years Ago, I said "This is it." And God said "Nope."
6 Years Ago, this day was the start of a brand new life.
In those 6 Years, I received my Bachelors of Science in Bioengineering Magna Cum Laude and in the Honors Program. I received my Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering as well. I've become a published writer. I have raised over $500 for charities around the world just by training for my first Half Marathon, a feat that I never thought would happen as I fractured several vertebrae in my lower back 6 Years Ago. I've made and donated a few hundred scarves. I have donated a gallon of blood and I've donated my hair three times. I have donated my time to a children's after school program and multiple food pantries. I have participated in various fundraisers, including Relay for Life. I choose very carefully how I am going to use my time and energy to make the most out of my borrowed time. I want to make the most of every day I still have in this life.
I've aim to better my life and to move through the difficult times.
Most of all, I am managing my mental illnesses much better than I thought I would. I had a really rough time last week, but I was able to make it through without going to the hospital. I am lucky to have the support of so many people.
Thank you to all those who have offered support, encouragement and love to me. I would not be still fighting if it were not for you.
6 Years Ago, I never could have imagined where life was going to take me in the next 6 Years.. All of the positive moments that I would never have gone through if I had not survived.
6 Years Ago, I said "This is it." And God said "Nope."
6 Years Ago, this day was the start of a brand new life.
In those 6 Years, I received my Bachelors of Science in Bioengineering Magna Cum Laude and in the Honors Program. I received my Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering as well. I've become a published writer. I have raised over $500 for charities around the world just by training for my first Half Marathon, a feat that I never thought would happen as I fractured several vertebrae in my lower back 6 Years Ago. I've made and donated a few hundred scarves. I have donated a gallon of blood and I've donated my hair three times. I have donated my time to a children's after school program and multiple food pantries. I have participated in various fundraisers, including Relay for Life. I choose very carefully how I am going to use my time and energy to make the most out of my borrowed time. I want to make the most of every day I still have in this life.
I've aim to better my life and to move through the difficult times.
Most of all, I am managing my mental illnesses much better than I thought I would. I had a really rough time last week, but I was able to make it through without going to the hospital. I am lucky to have the support of so many people.
Thank you to all those who have offered support, encouragement and love to me. I would not be still fighting if it were not for you.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Octobers the Month
This week was one of the most difficult weeks I have had in a long time. I dealt with severe symptoms every day, including paranoia, depression and flashbacks.
October is always the worst month for me. October 21 will be the 6 year anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt, in which I was told I should not be alive and that I should never be able to walk again. Last year, my brother went missing for 4 days and I moved out of my mother's house on October 28th and was hospitalized a few days later. When I was a child, I was stuck in a house fire in the fall.
Fall has a sort of drastic change in weather from Summer and it has always been a hard time for me. I feel a lot of inner turmoil when the leaves change color and the air is cold. I think my brain subconsciously remembers all the negative events that have happened in October. Sometimes the memories pass through my subconscious and I remember them,
Sometimes I wish that I did not remember everything that happens in my psychotic and paranoid states but I do. I not only have flashbacks of childhood abuse, but I also have them from other negative and stressful memories throughout my life. I even remember most of my childhood dreams and nightmares. I wish I did not have this extraordinary memory of negative memories but I do. I guess it could be considered part of the fact that my IQ is in the 99th percentile.
I have the power inside to stop this cycle of symptoms in October. Sometimes it does not feel like I do. But I do. All of us hold a power within us to stop the negative.
October is always the worst month for me. October 21 will be the 6 year anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt, in which I was told I should not be alive and that I should never be able to walk again. Last year, my brother went missing for 4 days and I moved out of my mother's house on October 28th and was hospitalized a few days later. When I was a child, I was stuck in a house fire in the fall.
Fall has a sort of drastic change in weather from Summer and it has always been a hard time for me. I feel a lot of inner turmoil when the leaves change color and the air is cold. I think my brain subconsciously remembers all the negative events that have happened in October. Sometimes the memories pass through my subconscious and I remember them,
Sometimes I wish that I did not remember everything that happens in my psychotic and paranoid states but I do. I not only have flashbacks of childhood abuse, but I also have them from other negative and stressful memories throughout my life. I even remember most of my childhood dreams and nightmares. I wish I did not have this extraordinary memory of negative memories but I do. I guess it could be considered part of the fact that my IQ is in the 99th percentile.
I have the power inside to stop this cycle of symptoms in October. Sometimes it does not feel like I do. But I do. All of us hold a power within us to stop the negative.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Walking for Wellness 2015
On October 10, 2015, I participated in a Walkathon to raise money for Bridgeway, an amazing organization that helps those with mental illness recover.
I was in awe at the walkathon, because I saw people of all ages, all parts of the journey to recovery. Mental illness is seen across our country and throughout the world.
Most of you know by now that I struggle with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. I'm open about my mental illnesses because I want to raise awareness to the tremendous difficulties that people with mental illnesses live with. I was VP for the Syracuse University NAMI chapter when I was in college. I spoke in a few classes about my life journey living with the illnesses. Mental illness did not stop me from receiving my Masters in Biomedical Engineerin despite having serious symptoms during my graduate school career.
It takes a ton of courage to live with a chronic illness, let alone one that most people push to the side due to stigmatization.
I want to say that during the whole walk, I was not ashamed of my illnesses. I am not ashamed of it to begin with, as it is something that God has brought into my life. Not really something I'd ask for but going through the healing process is absolutely beautiful. Some days are more arduous than others, but most days are wonderful. Even though I live with symptoms every single day, I wake up because this journey called life is interesting and worth fighting through.
I am proud to live with mental illness because it has made me stronger than I would have been without it. It has made my life worth living since it gives me something to work on and become healthy. I am one who enjoys challenges, as most of you know I am training for my first Half Marathon.
The energy at the walkathon was amazing. People helping people. People cheering for each other. People financially supporting the program.
That kind of support, love and encouragement is why I love the program.
As I write this, I am teary-eyed thinking about the walkathon.
Beautiful. Healing. Powerful. Inspirational. Magical. Thank you Bridgeway.
I was in awe at the walkathon, because I saw people of all ages, all parts of the journey to recovery. Mental illness is seen across our country and throughout the world.
Most of you know by now that I struggle with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. I'm open about my mental illnesses because I want to raise awareness to the tremendous difficulties that people with mental illnesses live with. I was VP for the Syracuse University NAMI chapter when I was in college. I spoke in a few classes about my life journey living with the illnesses. Mental illness did not stop me from receiving my Masters in Biomedical Engineerin despite having serious symptoms during my graduate school career.
It takes a ton of courage to live with a chronic illness, let alone one that most people push to the side due to stigmatization.
I want to say that during the whole walk, I was not ashamed of my illnesses. I am not ashamed of it to begin with, as it is something that God has brought into my life. Not really something I'd ask for but going through the healing process is absolutely beautiful. Some days are more arduous than others, but most days are wonderful. Even though I live with symptoms every single day, I wake up because this journey called life is interesting and worth fighting through.
I am proud to live with mental illness because it has made me stronger than I would have been without it. It has made my life worth living since it gives me something to work on and become healthy. I am one who enjoys challenges, as most of you know I am training for my first Half Marathon.
The energy at the walkathon was amazing. People helping people. People cheering for each other. People financially supporting the program.
That kind of support, love and encouragement is why I love the program.
As I write this, I am teary-eyed thinking about the walkathon.
Beautiful. Healing. Powerful. Inspirational. Magical. Thank you Bridgeway.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Just Keep Swimming
I have not written in a little bit but I feel like I have something important to share.
For the past two days, I have endured terrifying paranoid episodes and more flashbacks than I usually have. I am just happy that I got through each day at this point. Challenges in life bring out our greatest and most beautiful strengths, no matter how deep and how scary those challenges are.
For those who do not know me that well, I deal with many symptoms, including paranoia, psychosis, hallucinations, flashbacks, nightmares, mania and depression. To put it simply, my life can become interesting quickly.
I do not really know what has caused the recent episodes. However, I have had some stressful events come up this week.
When I had the episodes, I thought everyone around me was a spy for the FBI. Just like that, my world was terrifying and very difficult to deal with. But I took a medication and used skills to get out of the paranoia and I slowly calmed down.
I believe there are a bunch of things at play when I am paranoid. All through my life, I've had people who I was supposed to trust hurt me deeply, so why would I trust semi-new people in my life? Do they believe me when I tell them everything I've been through? Will they hurt me like many people have done to me before? Are there ulterior motives? How do I know that they have my best interests when I've been abused for the first 25 years of my life?
Either way, I am going to wake up tomorrow to face another day, because I gather my strength from God above. If it were not for His unconditional love, I would not be as strong as I am. We can trust in Him even on the darkest days.
For the past two days, I have endured terrifying paranoid episodes and more flashbacks than I usually have. I am just happy that I got through each day at this point. Challenges in life bring out our greatest and most beautiful strengths, no matter how deep and how scary those challenges are.
For those who do not know me that well, I deal with many symptoms, including paranoia, psychosis, hallucinations, flashbacks, nightmares, mania and depression. To put it simply, my life can become interesting quickly.
I do not really know what has caused the recent episodes. However, I have had some stressful events come up this week.
When I had the episodes, I thought everyone around me was a spy for the FBI. Just like that, my world was terrifying and very difficult to deal with. But I took a medication and used skills to get out of the paranoia and I slowly calmed down.
I believe there are a bunch of things at play when I am paranoid. All through my life, I've had people who I was supposed to trust hurt me deeply, so why would I trust semi-new people in my life? Do they believe me when I tell them everything I've been through? Will they hurt me like many people have done to me before? Are there ulterior motives? How do I know that they have my best interests when I've been abused for the first 25 years of my life?
Either way, I am going to wake up tomorrow to face another day, because I gather my strength from God above. If it were not for His unconditional love, I would not be as strong as I am. We can trust in Him even on the darkest days.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Nothing is Impossible
Wow! Where do I start?! I am seriously overwhelmed by how many people encouraged me and said kind words to me the past few days. I received devastating news last Thursday morning. Since then, I've had bouts of crying and sobbing since last Thursday.
I posted about this on my FB account but more than anything, I have learned to control my reactions to difficult things and news. I will always have schizoaffective disorder and PTSD, but I can deal with it. My family will always be challenging to deal with, but I can get through the rough times. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
Some people think I'm inspiring or an inspiration, but I feel like I am living my life in the best way I can. I feel very deeply that we can make a difference on this planet if we do random acts of kindness or help make someone's day or listen to a friend. It does not have to be a big thing. Just spread the love of God.
Some people wonder how or why I love after being abused by my family. It is through others helping me along life's twists and turns that I have learned how to love. I also learned about unconditional love through experiencing the love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
I aim to spread that love around the world.
I am grateful for my Scarf Project, a project that I started a few months ago. I have crocheted 91 scarves for charities. Needless to say, crocheting is a huge coping skill for me. I recently delivered and shipped my first 75 scarves to 3 charities.
It truly is better to give than receive.
I talked to someone a few months ago about my goal of 75 and they said it was an "unrealistic goal." Well, I would like to thank that person because due to their lack of support, I pushed myself further and achieved the 75 goal.
And now I am on my way to 175 scarves this winter.
I'll leave you with this... With God nothing is impossible.
I posted about this on my FB account but more than anything, I have learned to control my reactions to difficult things and news. I will always have schizoaffective disorder and PTSD, but I can deal with it. My family will always be challenging to deal with, but I can get through the rough times. I've gotten this far, haven't I?
Some people think I'm inspiring or an inspiration, but I feel like I am living my life in the best way I can. I feel very deeply that we can make a difference on this planet if we do random acts of kindness or help make someone's day or listen to a friend. It does not have to be a big thing. Just spread the love of God.
Some people wonder how or why I love after being abused by my family. It is through others helping me along life's twists and turns that I have learned how to love. I also learned about unconditional love through experiencing the love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
I aim to spread that love around the world.
I am grateful for my Scarf Project, a project that I started a few months ago. I have crocheted 91 scarves for charities. Needless to say, crocheting is a huge coping skill for me. I recently delivered and shipped my first 75 scarves to 3 charities.
It truly is better to give than receive.
I talked to someone a few months ago about my goal of 75 and they said it was an "unrealistic goal." Well, I would like to thank that person because due to their lack of support, I pushed myself further and achieved the 75 goal.
And now I am on my way to 175 scarves this winter.
I'll leave you with this... With God nothing is impossible.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Nine Months
Something happened today that, last year, I never thought would happen. Today, I celebrated my 9 month anniversary of leaving my last hospital visit. Sounds like a small feat to many, but living with severe mental illnesses is no small feat. I was hospitalized 12 times between 2005 and fall 2014. Hopefully, I stopped the cycle.
Currently, I feel healthy and happy. I am content with life, even when I have symptoms. I have learned how to deal with the difficult symptoms.
I continue to participate in treatment, through which I have learned many new skills and have been reminded of old skills that have worked.
The day I left the hospital, I moved many miles away from anybody I knew. It was one of the most challenging days of my life. When I look at it now, I have grown tremendously through the new beginning of my life. I have made many friends. I have gained a ton of nice and beautiful moments in my life, including dating.
I am finally leading a "normal 26-year-old life with busy weekends hanging out with friends and dating a wonderful man.
Truly nothing is impossible.
Each day, I do activities that I enjoy doing, including crocheting scarves and running for charities. I also play piano and sing.
I am blessed...
My life changed for the better 9 months ago. It is amazing how much good can come in 9 months...
Currently, I feel healthy and happy. I am content with life, even when I have symptoms. I have learned how to deal with the difficult symptoms.
I continue to participate in treatment, through which I have learned many new skills and have been reminded of old skills that have worked.
The day I left the hospital, I moved many miles away from anybody I knew. It was one of the most challenging days of my life. When I look at it now, I have grown tremendously through the new beginning of my life. I have made many friends. I have gained a ton of nice and beautiful moments in my life, including dating.
I am finally leading a "normal 26-year-old life with busy weekends hanging out with friends and dating a wonderful man.
Truly nothing is impossible.
Each day, I do activities that I enjoy doing, including crocheting scarves and running for charities. I also play piano and sing.
I am blessed...
My life changed for the better 9 months ago. It is amazing how much good can come in 9 months...
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