Taking Care

"I no longer have to wait until my health, my financial situation, or my emotional state collapses before paying attention to my needs."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 21 Devotion

This quote struck me this morning because knowing how and when to take care of our needs is a huge part of moving forward.

When I first got out of the hospital last April, I had problems with paranoia and psychosis, but I went to my doctor before it got out of control. She prescribed me with a new medication and my paranoia and psychosis got better. Not gone but better.

I've learned throughout having mental illnesses that I need to take care of myself in order to make good progress and to move forward. This is true whether or not you have mental illness. You need to take care of yourself before things get out of control...

Pivotal Attitude

"The time has come for me to realize that my attitude toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day."
-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, p. 246

This quote was in today's reading in Hope for Today, my favorite Alanon book. I haven't been to AlAnon in a few years and I only went a few times but I choose to read the devotions every day because they help me deal with the day to day of my being on this earth.

I like this quote because it shines light on our attitude towards life. Ever heard of the quote "Attitude determines altitude?" I have...

Our attitudes in this life determine a lot of where we go and what we do.

When I was in and out of hospitals in the Spring semester of last year, missing over 2 months of school, I was determined to finish the semester strong. Each time I got out of the hospital, I caught up with my work within 3 days of being discharged. I was given extensions by my professors, most of which I did not use.

The fourth time I was in the hospital, I was told by the doctors to withdraw from my courses, saying that it wasn't worth failing. To them, they thought I was failing all of my courses because I missed nearly half the semester. But after I got out, I talked to my professors and they all said to stay in.

So I was determined... The last two weeks of classes, I had two big papers to write. One I wrote on a creative idea to help with the treatment, diagnosis and research of cancers through the use of quantum physics. The other paper was on synchronization and phase amplitude coupling of brain signals.

Needless to say, I buckled down, read over 80 papers in the last two weeks of classes and wrote those two papers.... Right after getting out of the hospital.

I received an A, a B, and a B+ that semester, something that I attribute to my attitude about what I was dealing with. I easily could have given up on the semester, but I did not. I kept moving forward, forging ahead through the difficulties and came up on top.

I believe wholeheartedly that our attitude towards the life we lead is extremely important. Without a positive attitude, this life is meaningless and we are just drifting. But if we have an attitude of overcoming obstacles and nothing can get in our way, we can overcome anything.

One Day at a Time

"No matter what the problems are that we're trying to cope with, a major source of frustration is trying to encompass too much at once. We forget that we need to deal with only one day at a time, and try to crowd too much into the waking hours of that day."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon), Jan. 19 Devotion

When I was in college, I was extremely busy. I worked 50-60 hours a week on top of going to college full time. I made sure to sleep at least 7 hours a night, so I crammed everything into my waking hours. If I wasn't sleeping, I was either at work, in class or doing homework. Forget time with friends. Who has time for that?

If I could go back, I would have done it differently. I even barely had time to go to church and often-times skipped out to go to work. It's hard to think that I did that, but I was even too busy for church.

And that did a lot of damage to my relationship with God in college... I fell further and further away from Him.

In graduate school, things were different. I worked but it was part of my school and I only worked 40 hour weeks and got paid more. I had time to go to church and even hang out with friends. My relationship with God grew as well as my relationships with others.

The one thing I have learned throughout all of this is that I needed to slow down and take it one day at a time, especially in my healing journey. In order to recover, I've had to take it slow and easy, not trying to overachieve on everything.

Slow and steady...

Wondrous Events

"Some of the most wondrous events grow out of what appears to be disasters... Today, I know that even when my situation looks bleak and I can't see any way out, miracles can happen if I turn my will and my life over to God."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 17 Devotion

In case you don't notice, I accidentally read the February 17 devotion this morning. I am in the middle of watching a movie and very tired but the quote above really spoke to me.

Sometimes when everything looks negative in our lives, that's when we need the most faith. For me, last year when I was going through all of the paranoia and psychosis, I went to the lake all the time to speak to God. My faith in God grew through going to the lake, day after day. I remember going and being surrounded by leaves falling. It felt like God was whispering to me that He loves me. Even in the darkest of circumstances, I felt the light and love of God.

Currently, I am applying for jobs like crazy. I don't know what will happen from here, but I have faith that God has a wonderful plan for my life and that He will never leave me. It's been a few weeks since I started applying and I haven't heard anything, so I'm beginning to get frustrated. That's when I need to trust God the most.

For now, I am enjoying life while applying for jobs, working on my first book, reading books and watching movies. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life as it comes. Especially since I'm taking my meds...

Precious Moments

"I am an individual with the right to a good life. I must not look to anyone else to make a good life for me; this I must do for myself."
-One Day At a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 16 Devotion

How many times do we look to others for happiness? How many time do our lives look dim when someone seemingly ruins it?

The truth is that our happiness lies within ourselves, not others. This is something I am learning as I move forward. It is my decision to let go and let God. It is my decision not to let the difficult things in life rule or ruin my life. It is up to me to be happy, healthy and whole.

A good life may be a difficult one, but it depends on how the person looks at their life. My life has been full of difficulties, ever since I was a little child, but I think I do lead an amazing, good life. I have friends and family who care about me. I have a great church. I have just enough money to make it through.

Life does not have to be picture perfect in order to be happy. It's up to you to be happy no matter what life throws at you. Live one day at a time and let go and let God. Don't let the negatives rule your life. Look at the positive and be grateful for every precious moment this life affords you.

The Natural High

"Humility frees me from outside pressures and allows me to learn at any time from anyone or any experience."
-Courage to Be Me, p. 137

Being humble means that you know you don't know it all. You are able to learn from all the various experiences during your lifetime. You are able to grow through your experiences.

When I was manic this time last year, I thought I knew it all. I had the classic manic behavior, in which I thought I was on top of the world, nothing could hurt me, nothing could stop me. I was the be-all, do-all person. At one point, I signed up for a Half Marathon, because I had been running 6 minute miles. I even made a goal for myself to achieve my PhD by the age of 25. I was on a natural high, as they say.

And then the high came crashing down...

Four hospitalizations followed. I was taken out of the PhD program. I stopped running. And my life somewhat became boring... No more high...

But I found stability.

However, that is just what I needed. Because with the high came nasty paranoia and psychosis. I learned through those experiences that I needed to take my meds in order to become and remain stable. I had to take the meds in order to lead a normal life again.

Sometimes I do miss that high, but it is not enough to make me go off my meds...

Staying in the Present

"Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I've given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan 15 Devotion

If you're like me, you constantly worry. You worry what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that. But maybe you've learned as well that worry does nothing but steals precious time from your life. Maybe you've learned that God holds your life in His precious hands so you have nothing to worry about.

Part of my anxiety comes from my mental illnesses. The relentless anxiety is part of my PTSD and paranoia. I worry what people think of me or what they are saying about me.

But over the years, I have learned to stay in the present and not let my anxiety and worries get the best of me. I try to not let them rule over my life, because they should not. I want to live in the present. I want to trust God with my whole being and move forward.

And each day, it gets easier. My paranoia is becoming easier to deal with. My worries and anxieties don't stop me from enjoying my life. I am living in the moment and enjoying life as it comes.