Loving What You Do

I read all of my devotions this morning and nothing jumped out at me as something to write about, so I will keep this blog post short...

First, my brain is officially tired. I applied to 6 more jobs yesterday and then I woke up early this morning to apply to about 6 more. I really need a job and I'm trying my best to get a job soon.

In the meantime, I am working on my book, which is officially 161 pages long.

So.... I'm pretty busy these days.

I may be tired but I am enjoying what I'm doing. I like reading and I'm reading books. I'm taking my time to apply to jobs that interest me. And I am finally getting around to writing the book I've always wanted to write.

Doing what you love is important because if you're not doing what you love, then life is not enjoyable. And when life is not enjoyable, negativity invades.

So do what you love and love what you do...

Using our Differences

"Every snowflake is different. Every thumbprint is different. Every person in Al-Anon is different despite the common problem that brings us together... We're all doing the best we can."
-Courage to Change (AlAnon book), Jan. 13 Devotion

Yesterday, I did something that is way out of my norm. I watched two NFL football games. I think it's actually the first time other than the Superbowl... and even with the Superbowl, I only usually watch commercials...

In the early afternoon, I went to some friends' house and watched the San Francisco 49ers versus the Carolina Panthers. Both my friends and I were rooting for the 49ers and they won so we were ecstatic! At some points we all were yelling at the TV like true fans.

Then, later in the day, I watched the San Diego Chargers versus the Denver Broncos. Again, we all rooted for the winning team, the Broncos.

Needless to say, it was great rooting for the winning teams, both times.

I don't normally watch football, but I really got into it this time. I started to understand everything on a deeper level: the flags, the downs, the fumbles, the sacks.... It all made sense.

One of the things I noticed was how important each player on the team is. They are each given an important role and without them, the plays would not work. Whether their role is to run the football or defend the runner, they all are important....

But they all make mistakes... The one that is stuck in my head is that one guy tripped himself when he was running with the football. While I saw quite a few mistakes through both games, I saw that the team worked together and they "did the best they could."

We make mistakes in our daily lives. All we can ask of ourselves is to use our differences and do the best we can. If this world is going to change, we need to work together. God created us with our differences for a reason.

Looking Back

As I write my book, I am going back into old blog posts and this morning, I came across my blog post on April 11, 2013, the day after getting out of my fourth hospitalization in 2013, which would eventually be my last.

It was in that post that I described being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and also finding out that I was taken out of the PhD program and that I would try to finish my Masters in the fall.

As I read the blog, it reminded me of the fears that I had. For example, would the hospitalizations end? How in the world would I finish my Masters while having schizoaffective disorder?

But as I look back on that time, I had made a determined decision to not let it destroy my life or my career. I saw in myself the ability to move forward.

And as many of you know, I did achieve my Masters in the fall!

You just never know where God will lead you...

When you keep a journal or especially a prayer journal and you look back, it is quite interesting and extraordinary to see how God has helped you to move forward and how He has answered countless prayers. It is so beautiful to read my old blog posts and see how far I have come. It is really encouraging.

Sharing Faith

"Our faith becomes stronger as we express it; a growing faith is a sharing faith. Pray now for those you know who need Christ, and ask God to help you be a witness to them- by the life you live and the words you speak."
-Billy Graham, Hope For Each Day, Jan. 11 devotion

Yesterday I started working on a book I am hoping to publish in the next few months about the past year and the struggles I have overcome to get to where I am today. It is taking a lot of work, but I'm hoping to send it out to publishers by March.

The book is going to be a compilation of my writings, poetry and my photography.

As I am going through my writings from the past year, it has brought up a lot of memories but most of all, I am amazed by my unending relationship with God. Even in my darkest moments last year, I clung closely to Him. It is no surprise that I was successful in achieving what I set out to do: graduate.

I am so thankful for my faith and the fact that I am able to share my faith with others. It is a gift that not everybody has... I share my faith in order to give others the hope that I have found in Christ.

9 Months

I had two nightmares last night but they faded away from me once I woke up, not like the crystal clear nightmares I have had the past two nights.

I came across this quote this morning when reading my devotions:

"To break the cycle of worry and fear, I'm learning to focus all my attention on this very moment. I can turn away from destructive thoughts and concentrate on the sights and sounds around me;:light and shadows , the earth beneath my feet, the pulse of everyday living-all pieces of the here-and-now."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 10 devotion

Some of you may know, some of you may not know what today is. Today marks 9 months since I've been out of the hospital. It has taken all of me to move forward from the chaos that ensued the first four months of last year. This time last year, I was paranoid and chaotic with a capital P and a capital C. I thought the hospitalizations would never end.

But each day, I move forward. Despite the nightmares that I've had lately, I continue to strive for the best and stay in the present. I don't let the negatives get to me as much as I used to...

Glimpses of God

I can remember my nightmare this time extremely vividly. Usually they fade away in a few minutes when I wake up. But lately, my nightmares have stuck with me longer...

This time, I was on a field trip with kids from my high school French class. There they were, as I remembered. Our bus driver was crazy. At one point, he reached behind his seat to put money in what was supposed to be his backpack, but it was actually mine, as I was sitting in the seat behind him. I told him he put the money in my backpack. He said thanks and I put the money in his backpack.

Now for the nightmare part of my dream...

He was pulling up to an area that looked much like an area that my local bus pulls up to on my trip to the mall, except that there was an abandoned old building and the road was big wooden pieces floating on what looked like the ocean. Everyone in the bus thought we were going to drown, but the bus driver put the bus in full gear and sped across the wooden pieces, nearly drowning. We waited until the bus had gotten across to breathe. It was absolutely terrifying. We went low into the water as we crossed, but we did not drown.

I have had this type of dream quite a lot. The almost drowning in a car has been in a few of my dreams before, especially drowning going around a bend... But that was not the end of the dream.

We begged the bus driver to stop and go to the abandoned building. He finally gave in. The abandoned building was full of holes and there were no walls, so we had to be very careful. As careful as I tried to be, I seemed to keep falling, except someone always was there to catch me. I must have fallen about 10 times and they were frustrated with me, but each time, they caught me.

It was scary to fall, but I imagine after waking up from the dream, that those people were like God. He catches us when we fall, no matter how many times, no matter how far, He is there. He rescues us no matter how frustrated He is with us. No matter how scary this life is, He is there...

I think this is the first time in my life that I saw glimpses of God in a nightmare...

Paranoid Dream

"Someone said something unkind about me...Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go...Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 7 devotion

I came across this devotion this morning, even though it was yesterday's devotion. It was as if this was written for me this morning...

You see, I had another nightmare last night. I've been having them every night, sometimes multiple each night. I don't know if it is my medications or what, but I wish they would stop.

In this nightmare, I had gotten a gift card to Sears and so I went to the store after school. I had been planning to go there before meeting up with friends to work on a school project. I was in the process of looking at shirts when my friends arrived. Anyways, someone stole my backpack.... One of my friends did. And there was some private stuff in my backpack. They were tossing it to each other and they wouldn't give it back. They all laughed at me... People who I have known for years and years, real people in my life were laughing hysterically at me. I screamed at them to stop. I told them it wasn't funny. I tried to get the sales associates at Sears to help me, but they just joined in with the laughter. I was at a loss...

When I woke up from this nightmare, it was a huge relief. My mom actually woke me up as she got ready for work. Their laughter stuck with me. I don't usually remember my nightmares in such vivid detail; usually they fade away and are forgotten, but this one reached into my heart and tore it up. People who I have cared about in real life were making fun of me. It was as if my paranoia has crept into my nightmares.

Part of my paranoia is that people are laughing at me or making fun of me. I told my therapist the other day that when I go to the lake, my home away from home, the place where I feel peace and calm, sometimes I'm so paranoid that when I see a group of people laughing, I believe their laughter is aimed at me. I constantly think people are making fun of me and I want it to stop.

That's just part of being paranoid. It creeps in to every aspect of my life, even my nightmares.

Either way, I don't want to sleep tonight....

I know I have to let it go and let God take care of me, but this is getting unbelievably difficult. My nightmare last night hurt very deeply. I know it wasn't real, but it cut deep into my soul. I just want my nightmares to stop...