You Do Not Have To Be Perfect

"Often I have been asked, 'Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?' It is possible because I got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure; because I got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel."

-Brennan Manning. The Ragamuffin Gospel

I am reading this book as part of one of two Bible studies I am in this semester. So far, I love this book. Just the first chapter has opened my eyes in ways I didn't expect.

I chose to focus on this quote today because it meant a lot for me and I hope it means a lot for you. The whole meaning of this quote is that we don't have to be perfect once we accept Christ into our lives. Actually, we are bound to not be perfect. We are bound to make mistakes. We may even take our eyes off Jesus at times.

It is part of the human condition to not be perfect.

"all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

-Romans 3:23

I've made plenty of mistakes since I became a Christian. But that doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. It just means that I need Christ in my life even more so I can be forgiven for my sins and my mistakes and learn to not make those mistakes again.

How fulfilling is the statement "You do not have to be perfect"?

You do not have to do everything right. You can do your best, but not everything has to be exactly perfect. There is room for mistakes. As a perfectionist, I take great comfort in this statement.

You do not have to be perfect.

Broken Into Beautiful

Today marks 5 months since my last hospitalization. I was released on April 10, my birthday. I will never forget my excitement about getting discharged, since I had spent 8 lonely days in the scary psych unit in the hospital. When I was released, I was so scared of going back there. I wanted nothing but to stay out of the hospital. And here I am, 5 months later, much more stable and back in school.

God has strengthened me and held me up when I most needed it. He has guided me and helped me through great difficulties, never leaving me. I feel His presence nearly every day, if not every day. It is only through Him that I have come this far.

Today, I wanted to write a poem about what it is like to be broken and be transformed. I first was inspired to write this poem yesterday when I came across a broken branch on the ground as I walked home from a class. I saw the beauty in the brokenness, just like I believe there is beauty in my brokenness.

Broken Into Beautiful

Broken
Shattered
Twisted
This Way and That Way
Darkness overwhelming
No way Up
Only Down
Deeper
         Deeper
                  Into a Depression
                  Or Mania
                  Or Psychosis
                  Or Paranoia
         Deeper
Deeper
The Noise
The Chaos
...
And yet
A Hand reaches Down
The Hand of God

Full of Light
The epitome of Beauty
Lifting me Up
                  Higher
                            Higher
                                     Into the Light
                            Higher
                 Higher
Towards Hope
Transforming me
Healing me
Rescuing me
Strengthening me
Bent but not broken

Broken Into Beautiful

Beauty in the Sacrifice

"Man's hideous injustice that crucified Christ became the means that opened the way for man to become free. Sin's masterpiece of shame and hate became God's masterpiece of mercy and forgiveness."
-Billy Graham, Peace With God

Have you ever stopped and thought about the beauty of what happened on the cross? The beauty in the sacrifice?

I think this quote really exemplifies how something so horrible, so awful, so seemingly erroneous, could be turned into something so absolutely beautiful. Sometimes we are so busy with our lives that we don't spend time thinking about what happened on the cross.

We can find freedom in the cross. We can find peace in the cross. We can find hope in the cross.

God truly can turn the most evil thing into the most beautiful thing. I've written extensively about how God has taken awful things in my life and turned them into good. Sometimes when we are going through the trials and tribulations of our lives, the good within them is not so lucid.

But it's there if you look.

No matter what you are going through, God can transform it into good. Your surroundings may look bleak but if you look around the corner, you may find something beautiful.

I woke up a few days ago and I looked out the window and was greeted by this sunrise... It was absolutely magnificent. As I am writing this blog post, I am watching the sunrise through my window. Sometimes we are so busy that we forget to look around us at the beauty of God's creation and the magnificence of this world we inhabit...

Look around you today. Stop and think about the beauty in Jesus's sacrifice on the cross. Look at the beauty all around you, in the chaos of a normal day.

Illustration of Suffering

I donated platelets yesterday. Fortunately, my iron level was right on the dot and I was eligible to donate.

For those who have never donated blood, there are different ways you can donate. You can donate whole blood, platelets and/or plasma or double red blood cells. To donate platelets or any other part of the blood, there is a machine called an apheresis machine that separates the blood and gives you back what you aren't donating.

If you haven't donated, I highly recommend to do it if you're eligible because it's an easy way to give back to the community and help save lives. For example, platelets are in patients undergoing chemotherapy. It means more than words can say to have a chance to donate. I don't know who receives my donation, but I do know it's making a difference in someone's life.

Donating platelets takes about two hours, so I watched a movie while donating. I chose to watch Life of Pi.

I don't want to give away too much of the movie, but I will say that it is a brilliant and beautiful illustration of how God works amidst horrible, scary and tiring circumstances. In its own way, it describes suffering. I believe it shows the beauty that can come from suffering. After watching the movie, I watched a video on Youtube that explained the deeper meaning of the movie, from one point of view.

Believing in God doesn't mean that bad things won't happen to you...[but] the belief in God can prevent you from being consumed by that evil.

I believe that God gives us difficulties in our lives to make us stronger. Each of us goes through times when we feel like giving up or we feel frustrated, angry and tired. But believing in God helps us to keep going, keep moving forward despite the challenges. Going through trials is a reminder that we are all human and we all suffer. It draws us together.

Suffering is part of the human condition. I am moving forward in my life to a point that I am learning not to be consumed by the past, by the awful things I've been through. I'm trying to look past all of that and move forward into the beautiful plan that God has for my life.

Change

I took a slight detour after my last class yesterday and went to the lake. I wanted to spend some time with God and decided to go there.

When I got there, I was met by the sweet caress of leaves falling off of the trees all around me. There is something magical about standing in the wind with hundreds of leaves falling. A whisper from God. A sign of autumn. Also a sign of change and moving forward.

I've been undergoing a lot of change. My paranoia is getting better. My PTSD is getting better. It's been nearly five months since I've had a hospitalization. Things are finally looking up.

As I walked around the lake, I thought a lot about last semester, when it seems like I was in a cloud of darkness with my severe paranoia and psychosis. The lake provided the hope and peace I needed to get through it. I met white birds who helped me get to the hospital once. I was comforted by them at the right time. I grew to love the lake and everything about it.

I've been wondering how I even got through last semester and my answer is by far my trips to the lake. The lake is where I found God last semester. It is where I found peace and comfort amidst one of the most difficult battles of my life.

I spent most of my time there. At the end of the semester, I even read and did homework by the lake. I found that I could concentrate better there.

I've spent nearly a whole year at the lake and I've seen how the lake has changed over the course of a year. It is nothing short of extraordinary. Seeing how much it changes has been a reminder that we as people change. I am not in the state I was last semester, which is a complete blessing. And as I keep moving forward, I hope I can continue to change for the better.

Change can be a great thing.

I want to leave you with a song about how Jesus changes us, a song I've heard a lot in the past few days:

Be Lifted Up

To whom this may concern,

The first thing I want to let you know is that healing is possible. 

Healing takes time and it is a journey, not a destination. Last semester, I was in the hospital four times, which added up to about 5 to 6 weeks of missed classes. I thought the drama would never end. I thought the chaos was inevitable and neverending.

But I made it through and I am on the other side now... or at least getting there. I am back in school, more stable and ready to conquer my courses. I feel finally as if I am putting last semester behind me.

Healing is hard work and you have to work at it. It may seem difficult or even futile at some times, but I can tell you from experience that it is worth it. God can help tremendously if you lean on Him through it all.

The Bible verse below reminds me often that healing is possible with God's help; that if we give him all our fears, our doubts, our struggles,and our pain, He can truly transform our lives and lift us up.

We do not have to struggle alone.

I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved beyond your wildest imagination by God. And He wants to help you heal. He wants to help you through your struggles. He is always there, just a prayer or a call away.

I say all of this because I know what it is like to be through the healing journey. I know what it is like to be healed and transformed. I'm going through it right now. In the past few days, I've had less flashbacks than I've had all year. I am being healed from paranoia, psychosis, mania and depression. It's been a hard road but the transformation and healing I am going through is incredible and extraordinary.

I truly am being lifted out of the pit. And my prayer for you is that you will be healed as well, no matter what you are going through. That you will lean on God through it all and find your comfort in Him.

Be lifted up...

Sincerely,
C.L. Kowal

Every Twist and Every Turn

In the past two days, I realized how far I have come emotionally and mentally. Last semester was full of unexpected twists and turns and hospitalizations. I feel as if I am on such a better level than I was last semester. It feels like a fog has lifted. I know all of that is behind me and I am ready to step into the future God has planned for me.

I have some great news too!

My PTSD and paranoia seem to be much better in the past few days. I had less flashbacks, actually significantly less. In fact, the number of flashbacks I'm having each day is in the single digits, something that hasn't happened in probably over a year. Yesterday, I only had 5!

Yesterday, I was on my way to therapy when the song "Not For a Moment" by Meredith Andrews came on. I heard it once again last night in worship at my church. As I listened to the words, it really spoke to me about how good, gracious and merciful our God really is. It hit me how great God has been in my life and how I need to be grateful to Him for everything that's happened.

The chorus goes like this:

After all You are constant

After all You are only good

After all You are sovereign

Not for a moment will You forsake me

God is constant.

In this life, we may encounter ups and downs. In fact, we are almost guaranteed to. Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I thought the road to recovery was impossible and yet, in a few days, I will celebrate five months without a hospitalization. Though our time here on earth may be full of turmoil, we can have faith that God never changes. He is constant. His love is always there for us. His peace is always there for us.

God is only good.

We also are bound to encounter evil things on this earth, but God is not a part of those things. He is purely good. Being good, He can change the negative things we go through for good. I grew a lot last semester having gone through so many difficulties. I had to lean on God more than ever before and in a different way than ever before, so my relationship with Him grew. I spent a lot of time with Him at the lake, growing in my faith every step of the way.

God is sovereign.

God rules over this earth. He is the divine Ruler. He is a just God. I feel like we shouldn't have any worries, knowing how powerful God is. Our lives are ultimately in His hands and He has great and wonderful plans for each of us.

Not for a moment will God forsake us.

Even though the roads in our lives may have a lot of twists and turns, God never leaves us. He is with us every step of the way, every twist and every turn. Step by step, day by day.