Change

I took a slight detour after my last class yesterday and went to the lake. I wanted to spend some time with God and decided to go there.

When I got there, I was met by the sweet caress of leaves falling off of the trees all around me. There is something magical about standing in the wind with hundreds of leaves falling. A whisper from God. A sign of autumn. Also a sign of change and moving forward.

I've been undergoing a lot of change. My paranoia is getting better. My PTSD is getting better. It's been nearly five months since I've had a hospitalization. Things are finally looking up.

As I walked around the lake, I thought a lot about last semester, when it seems like I was in a cloud of darkness with my severe paranoia and psychosis. The lake provided the hope and peace I needed to get through it. I met white birds who helped me get to the hospital once. I was comforted by them at the right time. I grew to love the lake and everything about it.

I've been wondering how I even got through last semester and my answer is by far my trips to the lake. The lake is where I found God last semester. It is where I found peace and comfort amidst one of the most difficult battles of my life.

I spent most of my time there. At the end of the semester, I even read and did homework by the lake. I found that I could concentrate better there.

I've spent nearly a whole year at the lake and I've seen how the lake has changed over the course of a year. It is nothing short of extraordinary. Seeing how much it changes has been a reminder that we as people change. I am not in the state I was last semester, which is a complete blessing. And as I keep moving forward, I hope I can continue to change for the better.

Change can be a great thing.

I want to leave you with a song about how Jesus changes us, a song I've heard a lot in the past few days:

Be Lifted Up

To whom this may concern,

The first thing I want to let you know is that healing is possible. 

Healing takes time and it is a journey, not a destination. Last semester, I was in the hospital four times, which added up to about 5 to 6 weeks of missed classes. I thought the drama would never end. I thought the chaos was inevitable and neverending.

But I made it through and I am on the other side now... or at least getting there. I am back in school, more stable and ready to conquer my courses. I feel finally as if I am putting last semester behind me.

Healing is hard work and you have to work at it. It may seem difficult or even futile at some times, but I can tell you from experience that it is worth it. God can help tremendously if you lean on Him through it all.

The Bible verse below reminds me often that healing is possible with God's help; that if we give him all our fears, our doubts, our struggles,and our pain, He can truly transform our lives and lift us up.

We do not have to struggle alone.

I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved beyond your wildest imagination by God. And He wants to help you heal. He wants to help you through your struggles. He is always there, just a prayer or a call away.

I say all of this because I know what it is like to be through the healing journey. I know what it is like to be healed and transformed. I'm going through it right now. In the past few days, I've had less flashbacks than I've had all year. I am being healed from paranoia, psychosis, mania and depression. It's been a hard road but the transformation and healing I am going through is incredible and extraordinary.

I truly am being lifted out of the pit. And my prayer for you is that you will be healed as well, no matter what you are going through. That you will lean on God through it all and find your comfort in Him.

Be lifted up...

Sincerely,
C.L. Kowal

Every Twist and Every Turn

In the past two days, I realized how far I have come emotionally and mentally. Last semester was full of unexpected twists and turns and hospitalizations. I feel as if I am on such a better level than I was last semester. It feels like a fog has lifted. I know all of that is behind me and I am ready to step into the future God has planned for me.

I have some great news too!

My PTSD and paranoia seem to be much better in the past few days. I had less flashbacks, actually significantly less. In fact, the number of flashbacks I'm having each day is in the single digits, something that hasn't happened in probably over a year. Yesterday, I only had 5!

Yesterday, I was on my way to therapy when the song "Not For a Moment" by Meredith Andrews came on. I heard it once again last night in worship at my church. As I listened to the words, it really spoke to me about how good, gracious and merciful our God really is. It hit me how great God has been in my life and how I need to be grateful to Him for everything that's happened.

The chorus goes like this:

After all You are constant

After all You are only good

After all You are sovereign

Not for a moment will You forsake me

God is constant.

In this life, we may encounter ups and downs. In fact, we are almost guaranteed to. Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I thought the road to recovery was impossible and yet, in a few days, I will celebrate five months without a hospitalization. Though our time here on earth may be full of turmoil, we can have faith that God never changes. He is constant. His love is always there for us. His peace is always there for us.

God is only good.

We also are bound to encounter evil things on this earth, but God is not a part of those things. He is purely good. Being good, He can change the negative things we go through for good. I grew a lot last semester having gone through so many difficulties. I had to lean on God more than ever before and in a different way than ever before, so my relationship with Him grew. I spent a lot of time with Him at the lake, growing in my faith every step of the way.

God is sovereign.

God rules over this earth. He is the divine Ruler. He is a just God. I feel like we shouldn't have any worries, knowing how powerful God is. Our lives are ultimately in His hands and He has great and wonderful plans for each of us.

Not for a moment will God forsake us.

Even though the roads in our lives may have a lot of twists and turns, God never leaves us. He is with us every step of the way, every twist and every turn. Step by step, day by day.

Moving Forward

"As I have stated in the pages of this book, so many have tried to get me to say that my accident forty-three years ago was never part of God's plan. That my paralysis was never His intention. That quadriplegia was never necessary. That chronic pain didn't have to be. That suffering was never part of His plan. That the many tears and groans and struggles and sleepless nights were needless and a waste of my energy and my life.

I think differently.

It was all planned long ago, and God brought it about in His perfect faithfulness. And because He allowed it and permitted it, because He has walked with me through every moment of it, His plan has been marvelous for [me]."
-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

To tell you in a few words, this book helped change my life in the past two days. It only took me a few hours to read, yet it helped me more than words can say.

I made a few really deep realizations through reading this book, not necessarily things that were explicitly stated in the book but things I came to realize nonetheless.

I realized that I have been living in the past, somewhere that God does not want me to dwell. What's done is done. Gone and over with. I've let my flashbacks and PTSD keep me stuck somewhere that I don't need to be anymore. I am not an abused child anymore. I am a child of God.

I believe I am on the road to complete recovery. I wholeheartedly believe that my PTSD can go away, something that has been hard for me to believe for most of my life since I have been dealing with it for 11 years.

I realized, like Joni has, all that God has done in my life despite the challenges I have faced and that the difficulties are not mistakes but part of God's glorious plan. I have done great things despite endless challenges. I can't let the past overwhelm me because God has great plans for me.

I realized that the past was part of God's plan. I may not have liked it or like it now, but God allowed everything to happen in my life for a reason. I am putting my full trust in Him and His beautiful plan for my life.

I think my greatest realization is that I can heal. I don't necessarily know what healing will look like for me but I know that I don't have to be stuck in the past anymore. I can walk forward, knowing that the past is the past and that I don't have to be overwhelmed by the past in the present time. What happened is done and it's not happening anymore. I can walk into the future, with my hopes of being healed from my PTSD.

Healed Nonetheless

I began reading A Place of Healing by Joni Eareckson Tada yesterday. I actually nearly read the entire book yesterday because it is so powerful. Apart from doing homework, I sat in my apartment reading.

Joni has had a series of unfortunate events during her life. When she was younger, she was in a diving accident that left her a quadriplegic for over 40 years. She also has endured many years of severe chronic pain. Not only that, but recently, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

To say her life has been challenging is an understatement. I related to her in many ways, and I really look up to her and the fact that she kept her faith despite everything she endured.

God won’t  always change our circumstances, but if we ask Him, He will often step in to change our perspective! He will help us catch a glimpse of life through the eyes of faith, as He sees it. And that glimpse is worth everything.

-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

How true is this?

Part of her book was spent on explaining that we are not always healed. She said that God heals as He sees fit. Joni has been confined to a wheelchair for over 40 years and has tried many ways to be healed but nothing has worked. However, she says that she has been healed on the inside and that's all the more meaningful.

Sometimes we are not healed in the way we expect but we are healed nonetheless.

I've looked for healing for my PTSD. I've been to some healing services. I've sent up many prayers for healing. I've been dealing with complex PTSD for 11 years and I was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. However difficult it is to deal with these disorders, God is doing great works on the inside and healing me in ways that I never could have expected. He is giving me that "glimpse of life through the eyes of faith." He's showing me that there is more to life than my challenges.

I want to end this blog post with a Bible verse that gave me great comfort yesterday when I read it.

We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God. 

-Acts 14:22

Unjudgmental Unconditional Love

"[C.S. Lewis] notes that there is someone I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me. There are plenty of things I do that I don’t like, but if I can love myself without approving all I do, I can also love others without approving of all they do… No matter what a person has done, God’s uncensored grace is available. No matter what they are going through, there is hope.”

-Jud Wilhite

I just finished reading unChristian and I found this quote in the chapters about Christians being judgmental. Sometimes we are so quick to judge others, even though we may have the same issues.

I love that Jud points out that what we've done (or not done) doesn't stop God's grace and mercy from entering our lives in a powerful way. God's grace is more powerful than anything else we can experience, I believe, because sometimes it makes no sense. 

Why would God love us despite all we've done? Despite all of our shortcomings?

Because He does.

He created us and molded us. 

Have you ever created something you loved? You poured your heart and soul into making it, shaping it, drawing it, etc. At the end, you see it as a masterpiece and you want to do all you can to take care of it. It might fall down and break a bit, but you still love it. You still care for it.

God loves us despite our shortcomings. God loves us despite our sins and mistakes. There is nothing more powerful than that. And we are called to love others despite their sins and mistakes. None of us are perfect. We are called to show unconditional love towards those around us, those we interact with.

We may not always agree with others, but one thing we can agree on is that we all need to be loved.

A True Miracle

A few days ago, my mother reminded me of a miracle that happened nearly a year ago when I was in the hospital. I asked her to write about the miracle so that I could post it on my blog. I wanted to share with all of you this awesome miracle that happened.

Last October I received a phone call from my 23 year old daughter Chelsea.  She was having spasms after having a shot of Benadryl and Reglan for a migraine headache and a mild concussion.  She had bumped her head at work after retrieving her phone charger under her desk.  After a few days of her nonstop spasms I boarded a plane to Gainesville, Florida to help her. 
 
When I got there she was having trouble walking and talking due to the spasms.  After several trips to the hospital and several series of different drugs I called 911.  Frustrated that the symptoms were not subsiding I was scared and concerned for her health.
 
Once in the emergency room she was seen by a few doctors.  The doctors took Chelsea off all drugs at this time.  The third emergency room doctor came in and talked to me as Chelsea finally fell asleep for a few hours. As Chelsea slept the doctor said sometimes there isn't an explanation to the medical problems she was experiencing.  She said they would see how she did without any medication.  I had told the doctor that Chelsea had spoken earlier to a Christian radio announcer at Joy FM.  The doctor then said that while 
the doctors may not have an explanation to what was going on with Chelsea - God did! I asked the doctor to pray for my daughter.  At that time, the doctor said she would pray for my daughter right in the emergency room.  We laid hands on my daughter as she slept.  I could feel the power of God in the room.  
 
The following morning, I went to see Chelsea in the room she had been transferred to.  When I got to the room I was documenting her experience.  As we went through each day I was writing down everything Chelsea could remember.  Chelsea said "I can speak."  I told her to wait as I was finishing writing down what she was saying.  Again, Chelsea said "I can speak." I looked up at her and realized she was speaking without spasms.  The joy I felt at that time cannot be explained in words. I knew at that time she was finally healed.

I will never forget the doctor's expression when he came into the room that morning and I was sitting up and talking normally. I will never forget the nurses walking by my room and saying "4B is healed!"