Not a Crutch

A friend asked me yesterday to share my opinion on a drug known as DMT: The Spirit Molecule. The technical term for this drug is Dimethyltryptamin.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have never done any drugs. However, I personally do know how certain medications effect the brain, mind and body.

Many people studying science question God. As a scientist, I find that science shows the beauty of God. The first moment that I can remember God and science becoming linked together in my mind was when I sat in a freshman biology course. I remember learning about photosynthesis of plants and saying to myself, This is way too complicated to just occur out of nowhere.

Do I believe that people feel so-called “spiritual” experiences using drugs?

Absolutely.

But to me, God is so much more than something we can take a drug to experience. I experience God every single day without drugs. To me, God is not a crutch. To me, God is not a man in the sky who I go to church every Sunday to worship. To me, God is not just a word on the page of my Bible. To me, Jesus is not just a man who lived centuries ago who died on a cross.

God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit lie at the center of my life.

It has not always been this way.

Trust me, I have had my doubts, as I think everyone has at one point or another. Going through everything that I went through as a child and throughout growing up, I often asked where God was. I went through periods where I felt like He was distant. I often asked myself why He allowed me to go through everything I went through. I asked Him where He was.

I will repeat… God is not a crutch. I do not just say that I believe in God. I can honestly say that I know God exists and I am at the point in my life where I do not think it is possible to prove to me that God does not exist.

God carries all of us through the painful moments, even when we feel like He couldn’t be further away.

When I was six years old and nearly died in a house fire, I know God was there and He saved my life. When I was going through everything I went through as a child, I know God was there and He helped me through all of that. He carried me through everything. When I fell over 40 feet a few years ago and suffered multiple fractured vertebrae, being told by the doctors that they were worried that I may never walk again, God was there with me. Not only that, but He helped me to get back  to running. When I run, I feel God’s spirit. When I was in the hospital last October with dystonia, being unable to control my body and being told that I may be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, I prayed to God that if it was His will, then His will be done. I have been without the physical symptoms for a few weeks now, having had bouts of spasms over the past few months. When I was in the hospital a few weeks ago with catatonia, unable to eat or speak, I prayed to God once again.

He continues to deliver me and help me through everything that comes my way…

Do I believe that this drug or any drug, for that matter, can be used to bring someone closer to God?

Absolutely.

Though I do not agree with using drugs, I know personally that God can use anything to speak to us. He can use anything and everything on this earth to help us hear from Him clearly. He can use anything, any situation, anybody around us, to draw us closer to Him.

I know I would not be here if God had not continually saved my life, not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I have been reading a book over the past few days about homeless youth. There is one story about a young man who went through various challenges and obstacles throughout his life, many similar to mine. There was one quote that I wanted to share from his story…

“God had a plan. There wasn’t anything spectacular that took place, like a falling star or anything. I don’t know how I made it this far in life. Here I am, not even believing in myself, that I’d be able to go to college, and He paved the way. God is good. God is great.”

-Almost Home, p. 95

Amen.

No More Hiding...

In many different situations in our lives, we put on faces. These so-called faces are different when we are at work, when we are at home, when we are out with friends, when we are at church.

I personally struggle with having two main faces.

Most of my life, I have spent my life pretending that everything in my life was perfect. I excelled at school. When I read about quantum physics or vector spaces, my mind is consumed with numbers, theories, and equations. Everyone on the outside saw me and sometimes still see me as this intelligent person who must "obviously" come from a great family. They have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis.

As I have been going through the healing process, the other part of my life is surfacing. Even when on the outside, it looks like everything is perfect, I have spent most of my life just trying to survive. At many different points of each day, I have flashbacks. Through all of this, it almost feels as if I am living two lives. 

Flashbacks are different than memories. When I have a flashback, I am not in the present time at all. I am back to when I was a little child. It is like having a video screen right in front of my eyes. I do not notice anything in the present time. My perspective is that of a little child. My feelings are that of a little child. My fear is that of a little child. I am back there…

One minute, I am in class listening to a lecture, and the next, I am watching my mother be abused and nearly killed in front of me at the age of six. The fear is overwhelming.

I have hundreds of these flashbacks from all different points in my life.

Even in these difficult times, it is so powerful to know that God sees the real me. He knows what I went through. I believe that He cried with me as I went through all of those difficult times. I believe that He still continues to carry me through each day. When I am in God's presence, I do not have to hide the deep hurt and fear I go through every day. I do not have to pretend like everything is great when deep inside me, there is a raging storm.

I often ask God not only why He allowed such horrible, unimaginable things to happen to me for years, but also why I constantly have to deal with such intense flashbacks. Wasn't going through all of those traumatic events enough?

I do not know why He does not stop the flashbacks or why I have to deal with them every single day.

What I do know is that He has continually supplied me with strength to keep moving forward. What I do know is that I do not have to hide who I am from God. He created me and helped me get through everything. 

"For thou didst form my inward parts:

Thou didst cover me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks unto thee; 

for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: 

Wonderful are thy works; 

And that my soul knoweth right well.

My frame was not hidden from thee, 

When I was made in secret, 

And curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth."

-Psalm 139:13-15 (ASV)

The hope and joy I find in God and the words above which remind me of how much He loves me are the main reasons why I continue to fight each and every day. He is the main reason I choose to wake up every morning and put on the full armor of God.

What I struggle with the most is not necessarily forgiving those who have hurt me deeply; my main struggle is forgiving myself. I can see other people go through similar things I have gone through and I feel for them. But I feel like what happened to me is different. I try to make excuses for those who have hurt me, but when it comes to myself, I cannot find any excuses. It is so much easier for me to console someone else than myself.

When my parents separated when I was six after having many arguments about me, I blamed myself for their separation and eventual divorce. When my brothers became addicted to drugs, I blamed myself, saying that if I had not caused my parents' divorce, then they would have been fine. When I was neglected, I blamed myself for not doing anything right and believed I was not worthy of anybody's time. When my oldest brother committed suicide, I blamed myself for not forgiving him before he died.

Why?

Because as a child, I was continually told by my father that everything was my fault. I was called names and constantly told that I was stupid. I was treated like a nobody. Not even human. I was told that nobody would ever care about me. Throughout my years of growing up, I was told similar things not only by my father but many others. I was told that nobody in my family cared, that I ruined my family. I blamed myself for my family falling apart.

There have been a few people who have told me very positive things, like that I am worthy of true, unconditional love. When people say things like that to me, it is difficult to take in because it is so different. That tends to confuse people because they know I am intelligent. People get frustrated that it is so hard for me to believe. I think to others it is something so obvious, so basic. But to me, it's not that obvious, because I was not taught that while growing up.

When you grow up being told negative things about yourself and treated so horribly, it takes a lot of effort to start to take in anything positive. I am getting there, slowly but surely. As I go through this healing process, the more clearly I see how God was always there. I see how He brought certain people into my life at the right times. I see that I am His child and that I deserve better. I deserve to be cared for. I am worthy of His love and the love of others.

More importantly, I do not have to put on a face anymore. I have always been “the strong one.” I have always been the fixer. I wanted to fix everything that I saw as broken. I always wanted to fix what I thought I had broken. But I am learning that I do not have to hide my true feelings. I do to have to hide who I really am. There are moments when I can cry and weep over my past. There are moments when I can let it all out. There are moments in which I can allow myself to grieve over the past.

In order to be whole, we need to be true to ourselves. We need to be who we really are, not putting on different disguises around other people.

I’m not saying that I go around crying all day long everywhere I go. What I am saying is that I do not believe God calls us to hide who we really are. I believe it is okay to cry. It is okay not to be strong 100% of the time when we really feel broken and just want to cry. There is a reason He created me the way He did. There is a reason He created you the way you did. There is a reason why He has allowed certain events to happen in our lives.

Some of the joy I have felt recently has come from the fact that I feel so free in being able to share the deep parts of my life with those around me. There is something so freeing about not having to be strong all of the time. There is something so freeing about not having to hold everything in.

Though I still continue to deal with feelings of guilt, shame and fear on a daily basis, I am emerging from the cocoon I built around myself many years ago as a child and continued to build for most of my life. I am learning that I do not have to be defined by what I have been through. It is a part of me, but it is not who I am. God reveals who I am to me every single day and He shows who He is as well. The shame that I have carried for so long is slowly fading away.

I do not have to hide anymore..

Neither do you...

Where True Beauty Lies...

In my earlier post this morning, I talked about 2 Corinthians 5:17 and being a new creation in God. Since my mother has been visiting me due to my hospitalization, we decided to visit the butterfly exhibit at a local museum.

As I walked around in the butterfly sanctuary this morning, I was filled with a joy and contentment that is very difficult to put into words.

Butterflies and birds have been a huge way that God communicates with me. I was given a story by one of my therapists a few years ago about a man who saw a butterfly struggling to emerge from a cocoon. He wanted to help it, so he decided to cut the cocoon. Unfortunately, by cutting the cocoon, he did not allow the butterfly to strengthen its wings. When the butterfly emerged, it could not fly because its wings were not strong enough.

In the same way, our obstacles are exactly what we need to build strength, determination, courage and wisdom. The Bible talks about it in this way:

“And not only [that], but we also boast in tribulations,

knowing that tribulation works endurance;

and endurance, experience; and experience, hope;

and hope does not make ashamed,

because the love of God is shed abroad

in our hearts by [the] Holy Spirit

which has been given to us.”

-Romans 5:3-5 (DARBY)

This morning, one butterfly immediately caught my eye. There were quite a few of this type of butterfly. It frustrated me as I was taking photos of them, because they were so fast and when they stopped, their wings always closed.

However, when these butterflies flew around, their wings were of one of the most beautiful shades of blue I have ever seen.

The reasons that these butterflies close their wings when they land is because their blue wing color makes them more vulnerable to predators. As I thought about this, Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North came on my phone. Going to the butterfly exhibit was by far one of the most healing experiences I have had since starting this healing journey a few months ago.

Throughout this healing journey, I have realized that God uses nature to communicate to me in very dramatic ways. As I thought about these butterflies, I realized that some of the most vulnerable parts of our lives are also some of the most beautiful parts of who we are. Those vulnerable parts of our lives that we try to hide from everyone around us are exactly what makes us beautiful. Sometimes the struggles in our lives lend themselves to become beautiful blessings. They make us who we are. They are a part of us, just as the blue wings are a part of the butterflies. However, they do not make up the whole butterfly.

I have opened up a lot in this blog and I hope that by being genuine and real that people see the beauty in God and the beauty in my life even through all of the obstacles I have had to face.

I do not know why God allowed all the negative things to happen in my life, but what I do know is that God has continually given me the strength I need to get through. God always provides at the right time. In the same way, God gives animals and everything in nature exactly what they need to survive.

Some of the butterflies were given unique colors and designs in order to be able to camouflage themselves, like this one…

Quite a few of the butterflies had broken wings, yet they did not lose their beauty. Actually, I was drawn to these butterflies, because they still flew even with their broken wings. They were still beautiful. They were still alive. Through their brokenness, they still survived. No matter how broken I have felt in my life, God always provided. In many ways, I currently feel broken, but God is helping me get through this extremely difficult part of my life. He is healing me in tremendous and powerful ways. I am still God’s beautiful creation. I may feel broken, but deep down, I am not. God is strengthening me and helping me fly.

We are all unique. All of the things that happen in our lives make us unique. All of our gifts are what make us unique. Our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. Our beauty comes from how God created each of us. Our beauty comes from how God never stops caring for us, no matter what comes into our lives. Our beauty comes from God.

Look at how beautiful these butterflies are yet how uniquely they were designed…

Rising on Eagles' Wings

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I will fear no evil: 

for thou art with me; 

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

-Psalm 23:4 (KJV)

I have been repeating this line over and over in my head for the past few weeks.

When I was six, I was left alone for a little while as my mother went up the street to check on my older brothers. I noticed and smelled smoke. My mom accidentally left the stove on. As I frantically tried multiple options to get out of the house unsuccessfully, I realized that my only real option in order to save myself and my home was to go to the kitchen, where the fire and the smoke had originated. I realized that I had to go to the worst room to be in at the time. I went to the kitchen, turned a trash can over, stepped on top of it and called 911 just in time.

Right before my most recent hospitalization, I was having memories flashing through my head at all hours of the day. Many people say that before they pass away, their whole “life flashes before their eyes.” It was like that, but it was not flashes. It was constant videos of both good and bad times in my life and it was uncontrollable. I had memories from as early as three years old and they were extremely vivid.

Sometimes what it takes to move forward and heal from traumatic experiences is to go back to where it all started. Sometimes it takes going back to the deepest and darkest parts of our lives. Sometimes it takes coming face to face with the events in our lives that we never wanted to think about.

For most of my life, I have held everything in because that was the only way I really felt that I could move forward. People are usually shocked when I tell them even some of the stuff that I have dealt with at the surface level. I learned early on that I had to pretend that everything at home was fine when it really was not.

This is a completely different stage of my life though. I know that if I really want to move forward and save my life, I need to come to terms with everything I have gone through. Because I have gone through so much, these few months have been very overwhelming. In fact, having the flooding memories so intensely led me to become catatonic during my last hospitalization. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days.

But I am still here. I am more ready than ever to cope with everything in my life. I am ready to find the answers to the questions I have always wondered, the questions I've held deep inside my soul. I am ready to move forward in a way that I have never moved forward before.

More importantly, God is with me as I “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” When you and I walk through those deep, dark places in our lives, He walks with us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. There is not one second of our lives where God is not there guiding us, loving us, providing for us, helping us cope, and strengthening us.

Without God, I can definitely say that I would not be the person I am today. Without the struggles I've faced in my life, I would not be the person I am today. In some ways, I’m thankful for some of the struggles I have faced. I would not be as strong as I am today. I think that through our obstacles, God gives us a lot of wisdom.

As I am going through this very challenging process of delving deep into the dark parts of my past, I have realized that those moments are dead to me. But God is breathing new life into those moments. He is showing me how He helped me get through all of my obstacles. He is showing me where He was in the situation, something I have wondered a lot. He is showing me that even though I felt like He was absent, He was there. He is showing me that He never stopped loving me, even through the moments that I felt like nobody loved me. He is showing me that He gave me and continually gives me the strength I need to go through everything. Through Him, I am becoming a new person.

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: 

old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

-2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)

Many people know that one of my favorite animals is the eagle. One of the main reasons is because I found out that eagles wait for a storm. They feel the winds and then once the storm comes, they use the winds of the storm to rise above the storm. In the same way, I have tried to use those difficult times, the turmoil inside my mind, body and spirit, to rise above everything that I have ever had to face. Sometimes we need to go through the "windy" parts of our lives before we truly can move forward. Sometimes it feels like we are being tossed all around, but God holds us even in those moments. Through Him, we are standing on a firm foundation even in those moments.

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs that speaks about rising on eagles’ wings…

A Love That Never Fails

A few weeks ago, quite a few bloggers posted about something that hurt autistic people and those who care about them. If you were unaware, if you Googled “autistic people should" a few weeks ago (I believe it has since changed), the autofill feature came up with phrases such as “be killed,” “be eradicated,” and “be cured.”

As someone who was diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism, twice in the past few months, seeing this and hearing about it hurt me deeply. To me, having Aspergers is a gift, not a negative thing. In fact, I love that it makes me see the world differently. I love that I am obsessed with numbers and patterns. I love that I think of different songs all day and that I have a neverending database in my head, every day, all day long. I love that I notice the details of everything around me. I love that I sometime stare at trees because I am obsessed with the fractal patterns of their branches.

I love it because it is part of what makes me ME.

Yes, there are difficulties that I have to “deal with” as someone with Aspergers. But everyone has difficulties. Everyone has struggles they have to overcome.

Thinking about this on my way home from church tonight, one of my favorite movie scenes came to my mind.

We are all human beings and as God’s children, I believe that we all deserve to be told how unique we are, how precious we are in this world.

You are loved.

There is a God who loves you unconditionally. You do not have to do anything in particular to deserve His love. You cannot earn it. His love is given without conditions. No strings attached. No hidden fees. No fine print. He created you and He loves you as one of His beautiful creations.

You are wonderfully and fearfully made.

There is no one like you on this earth. While there are other people that may be like you, there is absolutely no one exactly like you. You are created differently from anyone who has ever lived on this earth, in the past, in the present and in the future. You are you. And that means the world because you have a unique perspective, a unique voice.

So what do I believe that people with autism should do?

I believe people with autism should do and deserve the same things that I believe every other human beings should do and deserve. After all, autism is a label. It is not the people who are diagnosed with it.

Every human being should be loved.

Every human being deserves to be loved and cared for.

Every human being deserves to be listened to and to have a voice.

Every human being deserves to be cherished and appreciated.

Every human being deserves to be accepted, not just tolerated.

Every human being deserves to be helped when they need help.

Every human being deserves to be protected from putdowns and bullying.

Every human being deserves to be protected from injustice.

Every human being deserves to feel peace and to live in a peaceful place.

Every human being deserves to be who they are.

In the past few months, I have had bouts of stuttering and spasms. During those bouts, I had to walk around town and take buses. There were quite a few people who stared and some even laughed. At first, it hurt me deeply that people would laugh at something that I could not control, something that embarrassed me on a deep level.

But over time, I realized that they did not know everything that I am dealing with, everything that I have had to deal with to get to where I am and why I was having the physical symptoms. Slowly, my anger and hurt turned into forgiveness. During the bouts, I started to repeat over and over in my head, “Forgive them for they do not know what they do.”

Jesus said those words on the cross, as he was being killed by those who he loved so deeply.

Jesus came to heal and transform people on a personal level, but also on a worldly level. He broke many of the traditions of the society of his day. He loved the outcasts; in fact, he searched them out. He did not turn away anyone. He welcomed those whom everyone else wanted to turn away. He talked to those who no one else wanted to talk to. He did not hate anyone. While some people might have frustrated him, he always showed love towards everyone.

Whether you believe in Jesus or not, I hope that before you judge anyone that you interact with, that you stop and think. The next time you want to judge someone, imagine that the person you are interacting with is living through the worst day of his or her life. You never know… By showing a little kindness towards someone or doing a random act of kindness, you could truly transform that person’s life.

I want to end this blog with one of my favorite passages in the Bible. It is quoted often during sermons about love, but it talks about unconditional love in such a great way.

As a world, we need to strive to show everyone the kind of love that is explained in this passage. No matter who you are. No matter what you have done. No matter what you have not done. No matter where you are from. No matter what you believe in. Love is the most powerful thing we have in this world…

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, 

it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, 

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

Can't Keep Me Down

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."

-Romans 12:2 (NIV)

I just started reading Almost Home, a book by Kevin Ryan, President of Covenant House, and Tina Kelley.  This book takes a look at the lives of six homeless youth and Covenant House, a system of shelters around the world, focused on helping homeless youth.

Fortunately, I have not had to live on the streets. But I was so close when my mom and I got evicted that we had to live in different homes of friends. Within a few months, I lived in over six homes and even before the eviction, I had lived in a few different homes after I ran away to try to get into a foster home.

I shared this morning on my Facebook about how I realized early on as a child that school was my way out from the issues and problems going on in my family. I knew that if I focused on my education, the most stable thing I've had in life apart from God, then I could possibly get out of the cycle and do something awesome with my life. I knew that without money I had no chance to go and since I grew up in a poor home, I had to work hard to get scholarships. My grandparents did save up money for the education of me and my brothers, but that money ultimately went towards drug addictions and my oldest brother's funeral costs. Having a dead-beat dad not paying child support did not make matters any better either...

As I watched my last family member get arrested by police at 3:16 in the morning at the age of sixteen, I promised myself that I would never do drugs or drink or let them rule over my life. To this day, I have never even touched alcohol or drugs. I did not sleep that night but I went to school the next day. I remember that the police came searching my home at 3:16am, because even though I felt extremely worried, scared and alone, the verse John 3:16 came to my mind the second I looked at my alarm clock and a sense of peace overwhelmed me.

I've had a lot of naysayers in my life, telling me that I wouldn't make it. Even people who encouraged me I often felt that inside, they thought I wouldn't break the cycle and get out of my situation. People still today ask me how I've made it so far having grown up in the type of home I did.

But am I mad at those naysayers?

Actually, not at all. 

Having people who told me that I would not make it just fueled my motivation to prove them wrong and to depend on God for the strength and courage necessary to keep going in a positive direction.

Granted, I have had quite a few people who have taken time out of their lives to encourage me, listen to me, pray with me and support me. It is difficult to put into words what it meant and still means to have people care so much after being treated like I was and am not a person to be cared for, someone unworthy of true love and compassion... I have definitely had points in my life where I felt like a nobody and that all of my hard work was for nothing.

This life is not easy by any means, but we are blessed to live life, no matter how difficult it gets. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second is a precious gift from God. 

Even more so, we are so incredibly blessed to have a God who is there for us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. He is not only there, but He is all around us and within us.

My greatest prayer while growing up in the situations I did was that God would use the situations to help me become more Christlike. If you think about it, Jesus broke all the traditions in society.

I was thinking about this earlier today and it occurred to me that I have broken quite a few "traditions" of society. When I was a teenager, I was known as an "at-risk" teenager due to my problems at home. But now I am a doctoral student (a female engineer) studying in one of the most difficult fields of study.

We do not have to let our circumstances rule our lives.

I had all the excuses in the world to end up in jail, dealing drugs or living on the streets.

But I did not want to.

I have always felt called by God for more. I've always felt that there's a much greater purpose for my life. So through the worst of times, I kept moving forward and today, I am thriving. Whenever the good Lord does take me home, I hope that I have left this world and the people who I interacted with in a better state than before I came into this world.

As I observed and lived through my family falling apart due to drugs and alcohol, the following verse really helped me to continue to keep my eyes, ears, soul, mind and spirit focused on God.

"And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit"

-Ephesians 5:18 (KJV)

When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, magical things can happen.

One of the greatest influential people in my life once said that everybody has things that they deal with that are out of their control, but what we can control are our reactions to those things.

While I am not perfect in so many ways, I am glad to have the strength of God to help me through my trials and to help me break the cycles within my family.

In Christ, we are called to be separated from this world because we realize that we are not of this world. Our home is so much more than the places we live on this earth.

Throughout my teenage years, I listened to a lot of emo, rap and punk rock songs and the following song really helped me overcome my struggles as a teenager. This song came into my life at the perfect time. Every time I listen to this song, it reminds me that we do not have to let the negativity bring us down and most importantly, keep us down. Whenever somebody says or does something very hurtful towards us, we have a choice: we can let them keep us down or we can continue to get up and keep fighting for a better day. I know that this song is far from a Christian song (there is a curse word in the song), but this song has been an important song in my life.

No matter what comes into your life or however many times you fall down, I hope you continue to get back up, allowing the arms of the Healer to lift you up.

The Bigger Picture

“Disasters clarify our values, challenge our faith, and reveal who we really are. If we are rooted in the promises of Jesus, we can endure.”

-Erwin Lutzer, Where Was God?

I just finished Erwin Lutzer’s book, Where Was God? in which he addresses philosophical questions about how natural disasters fit in with the character of God.

If you’re “normal” like me and millions of other human beings on this earth, when we see natural disasters occurring around the world, we ask how a caring God can allow such things to happen.

I am not God so I do not know everything about why natural disasters happen, but what I do know is that disasters on every level on this earth can be used by God to teach us and to help us learn more about ourselves, the world and who God is.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” – Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

This verse was said by Joseph, who went through an entire series of very difficult events in his life. He was sold into slavery by his brothers, by his own family. Joseph continued to overcome obstacle after obstacle and by the grace of God, he came to be the second most important person under the Pharaoh.

This quote is what he said to his brothers. This verse has so much meaning to me and so many other people because so many times, we are hurt by other people. However, God truly can turn the most difficult things in our lives into blessings. I have encountered this in my own life.

When my family was evicted the summer before my senior year of high school, we quickly had to figure out where I would stay for the summer. The mother of a friend of mine at church helped me to get connected to a camp for children and adults with special needs. I also had been set up to go on a mission trip to build homes in the Appalachian area for people who needed them.

The day I found out we were evicted, I was so incredibly frustrated, so angry. How could God let this happen? Didn’t He care?

That summer will forever be etched in my memory as one of the best summers I have ever lived through. It was not easy, but it was so blessed. I fell in love with everyone I worked with at the camp. Many of the other camp counselors were from other countries and they asked me how I was volunteering as a camp counselor for free. I told them that I did not care about the money. Seeing smiles on the faces of the campers, receiving their hugs, and having a bed to sleep on with a roof over my head meant more than any money could give. Helping build a porch and working on a team of my peers and some adults from my church was more than I ever could have wished for that summer.

You really never know how God is going to use the obstacles in your life.

Growing up in a family that did not have a lot of money taught me that money is just a material thing that can be used to obtain material possessions. Our worth in this life is not defined by this material thing. Rather, I believe that most of the valuable things on earth are immaterial.

These immaterial things include our capacity to love, our capacity to care, our capacity to share the love of God, and our capacity to forgive those who have harmed us very deeply. Time is immaterial as well and without time, we would be nothing. Without God, we are nothing. Without God’s love, we are nothing.

Two of the most well-known and most used Scripture verses are the following:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:28 (KJV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

How many times have you just wished that you could snap your fingers and all your struggles could go away? All your illnesses would go away in a second? All your anger, your deep hurts and resentments would go away in a flash?

I sure have… But that is not what these verses are saying.

I am not saying that miraculous healings don’t occur. I fully believe that God has all the power in the world to take all the negative things out of our lives in a second.

So why does He not do that?

While I am not God, I can say from my experiences that going through the difficult times in my life truly helped me and continue to help me learn about God. The trials allow me to grow closer to Him and to truly see how His strength helps me through them.

Many people see the verses above and believe that once they believe in God and once they surrender their lives to Him that everything’s just going to magically be perfect.

I don’t believe that’s it.

I believe that when you truly trust God, love Him and communicate with Him on a deep level, it does not matter how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, how many children you have, how many friends you have… None of that matters, because you realize that God’s love is so much greater, so much deeper, so much wider, so much higher than all of that.

The trials that you and I face are seen through our eyes in the present time. A lot of times, I just feel so overwhelmed by the struggles in my life that I lose sight of the “bigger picture.”

If you’ve ever been on an airplane and looked out the window and seen the horizon with all the little houses and the little cars, you know what I mean by this bigger picture. We get so bogged down by daily chores and errands that we forget the bigger picture of life. We even may forget who holds our past, our present and our future.

We truly have nothing to fear even through the most difficult times, because God holds our lives, the lives of those around us, this world we call home and this universe we live in within His hands. All of it is within His ultimate control.

I want to leave you with a song that I have listened to many times lately and it got me through my recent hospitalizations.