The Twenty Dollar Bill

“First, [Mary Magdalene] was clean: the inner emotional turbulence had ended, and her tormented soul was at peace. Second she was given the gift of dignity and value. After years of hopelessness, she found someone who could free her. Someone who saw in her something worth saving, redeeming and loving…the weight of the world had been lifted from her fragile shoulders. It no longer mattered what others thought of her.” 

–Dr. Erwin Lutzer and Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman’s Soul

I read this quote earlier today as I sat at the lake. As I read these words, it really became apparent that God is doing this very same thing in my life. I often struggle with feeling not worth enough, not good enough, not this enough, and not that enough. In the process of trying to “fit in” with the people around me, sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me and I may boast about something that I did or do well.

But God loves humility. Think about it. Think about how different our world would be if Jesus had been all prideful and went around boasting about how many people he had healed or how many miracles he had performed.

As I have said in previous blogs, this Lent has been a journey in ridding myself of pride and the insecurities that lead me to be prideful. I know I have hurt many people in the process of trying to make myself feel less insecure. Each day, God is teaching me more and more about Himself . How powerful HE is. How gracious HE is. How loving HE is. How wonderful HE is.

This life is not all about us. It is about making some difference in the world we live in. This world we have been blessed to live on. And yeah… it is difficult.

I spent the past 9 days or so in a hospital and I cannot describe how blessed I feel to be alive… not only alive but that I can walk, talk, eat, run, read, write, draw, take photographs. I even have a smartphone! I am blessed beyond belief by God. People say I have a very difficult life, but there are people who have it much worse. This life is not easy and all of us deal with our own obstacles, but we have a God who is so much bigger than any of the obstacles we deal with here on earth.

A reason I really liked the quote above was that it broke what Jesus did for Mary Magdalene into two parts: cleansing/refreshing and the gift of dignity and value.

I personally struggle sometimes to feel worth it. Deep inside, I do not feel clean. I do not feel worthy of God’s love, especially because of all the mistakes I have made. It’s in those times that I remind myself that God forgives me. He already did. And He does. I believe that sometimes the most difficult forgiveness is actually forgiving myself.

The second part- the gift of dignity and value- is also something that I struggle with. So often I try to find my value in how other people view me. Do they like me? What do they think of me after that? Did I say the wrong thing? What do they think of me now?

Put simply, our greatest worth is found in God. I am God’s child. You are God’s child. We all have worth more powerful than any material possession we can find here on earth. The closer I feel to God, the less I care about what other people think of me, because God’s love is so much bigger, so beyond anything else on this earth that it fulfills me to the core. No matter what I’ve done, no matter what others have done to me, He loves me and always will. And that goes for you as well.

I’d like to end this post with something I heard many years ago at CreationFest, a festival with Christian music and speakers.

The speaker, who I cannot remember right now, held up a twenty dollar bill. He spat on it, crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, and moved his foot all over it, stomping on it and kicking it around. He then held it up and asked how much the bill was worth. The answer was that it was still worth twenty dollars.

That powerful illustration still encourages me to this day, because I (as well as so many) have felt spat on, crumpled up, thrown out and kicked around. I have had moments of being used, abused and taken advantage of.

But do those moments change how much you or I are worth to God and worth to this world?

Not at all.

When you find your worth in God, it truly does not matter how much money is in your bank account, if you have the perfect shirt or pants, or the perfect face. Because when you find your worth in God, you realize how precious and how fearfully and wonderfully created you really are.

Listen to God, because He always says, “You are worth it. You are my precious child. Nothing in this world, absolutely nothing can ever or will ever take away your worth. Find your dignity and value in me, not the things of this world.”

Trust is a Five Letter Word

I wrote this "essay" on trust a few days ago during my ninth hospitalization. I was frustrated with quite a few people and I find that writing helps me to process things. I shared this with others in the hospital and they each got something very important out of it so I really felt called to share this with those who read this blog.

Trust is a five-letter world. Yet it is also one of the most difficult concepts in humanity. It is something so difficult, so convoluted but only five letters. To trust someone- or any aspect in our society- is to trust ourselves to make the right decisions. Although it is only a word, the concept of trusting someone is so difficult to comprehend and almost beyond impossible to follow through or act upon. As a child, you trust those around you to take care of you, to have your best interests at heart. In the hospital, you trust doctors to treat you well and to take the time to listen and to help you become better, healthier- to bring you out of whatever sickness or state that brought you there.

But people will fail. People will betray you. People will doubt the vey part of you that wants to be heard, understood- that voice waiting to emerge amidst all of the chaos and confusion. Slowly, you emerge- that voice emerges- and each day you take one step towards the truth. You take one step forward and then another. Others may not fully understand but they do not have to. You just want to move forward. You want to spread light and love to every crevice, every hole in the world.  You want to show love- not anger nor hate- just love. You want to spread the love of God.

What is the only thing in this world that can shine and truly fill the crevices and the holes in our lives, in those deep, dark places in our world and within our souls?

God. The love of God. The love that is God. The unconditional love. The love that shines even when you make inevitable mistakes. The love that shines even in the darkest pits.

There truly is no area, no space, nothing in our world that has never felt this love.

You ask why is there hate?

Why are there natural disasters?

Why are there wars?

Why are there so many negative things, so many negative events in our world?

I cannot explain that because I am just one person. One little person in a world with a sea of people. This world may not make sense and that is the point. We were not created to understand all of the negativity and evil on earth. We were created to love each other and to find some meaning for why God brought us to this earth. Why He chose you, me- all of us. We each have so much to offer the world- so much meaning. Only God can explain our meaning and the truth that is in each of us. There is more meaning in each of us than we can see here.

Our meaning is so far beyond comprehension- no human mind can even come close to understanding our meaning. We can study all the neurons, the cells in our bodies, the atoms which make up everything we see and do not see. We will spend eons and centuries trying to understand ourselves and God, but we simply cannot.

In the process of trying to understand and to be understood, we become even more confused. Our lives become more chaotic- a stream of subconscious mixed with conscious, darkness mixed with light, despair mixed with hope. Only God can bring some clarity to our minds flooded with the confusion. Only God and who He is can bring light to the chaotic mind flooded with both negative thoughts and positive thoughts.

The dichotomy of good and evil. That battle. It is not ours to fights. With God, good overcomes with confusion. That dark hole filled with a swirl of good and evil. We cannot understand and we will not understand. We cannot answer the questions of why, how, when, where. The answer lies in God. It is He who helps alleviate the confusion. Takes the clouds away and brings the sunlight of a new morning.

Fly Away Home

I was asked this morning, “Do you think everybody has to understand what you’re going through in order to love you?”

And this got me thinking.

All of my life I have really been alone. My family did not understand me. I did not feel accepted by them at all. When I was 13, I found out that I was a “mistake” and that I was almost not even born.

I shared a part of the white bird story with my mother and the person I had been talking to earlier this morning that I did not write about. I have shared about the significance about the white birds quite a bit this past week. But there was something that I did not share about that moment. In that moment, when I looked up at the white bird flying across the lake, I had been reading about the enemy’s strongholds.

I have lived for most of my life pretending that the things I was going through were not happening. When the bad memories come back, I am usually overcome with shame and guilt. That’s when the first set of lies come into my mind… “You’re not good enough,” “You’re stupid,” “This is all of your fault.” The first stronghold I have been dealing with is that shame and guilt.

The second stronghold is the one that has been most apparent in my life recently, which is the complete opposite: pride. I have overcome so much in my life and when I start to think about everything I’ve overcome, I’m overwhelmed with a sense of pride. “I did it all by myself.” “I must be one of the strongest people.” And that is where I think all of this started.  I began to think that I had to be more than God already has made me to be. It was in my quest for all of the answers to why my mind was the way it was, why the things that happened occurred, and why the things of this world are the way they are that I lost sight of who I really am and that I do not have to know everything. I have joked about building time machines and other devices and those were jokes. But the truth is I do understand physics, mathematics and engineering. But I also have been deeply hurt and God is helping me through this in a way that nobody else can.

I really do have the intense memories I do. I really could not control my spasms and stuttering. But I spent all this time trying to get people to believe what I was going through and when I gave that up and went back to the source, God, is when the physical symptoms and the anxiety stopped. That is when I started to see the white birds and the yellow butterflies.

I know what has happened in my life and I know what I experience. I know what I remember. Nobody can go into my mind and see what I see. Others will not understand how God uses nature to help me through this healing process. Because they do not have to understand.

I watched the Fly Away Home video that I posted about 5 times yesterday. I have watched that movie so many times yet I never realized the great significance and symbolism in that movie until yesterday. I do not even know if the people who created the film meant what I am going to say.

The beginning of the movie starts in the dark. The girl and her mother are talking and her mother gets distracted and the next second you know, there are headlights and the car is in a million shattered pieces.

When we get distracted from what God call us to do, from who we are, from the path that God has planned for us, and we do not see the light of God, we tend to crash and our live can feel like a million little shattered pieces.

The girl wakes up in the hospital and she sees her father. She realizes that her mother has passed away and then she moves to her father’s house. She goes to live with her father and she has to deal with the loss of her mother as well as her new home with the father she did not really know that well.

When God calls us to do something, it may be in our time of healing and it may be out of our comfort zone. It may be in a place where we feel absolutely the least comfortable.

At her father’s farm, she watches these people who want to get rid of the trees. They want to damage the environment and in doing so, they create danger for the birds on the farm.

Sometimes we lose sight of God’s creation. This is something we are currently doing to our world today. Our forests are quickly becoming smaller and are now known as “conservation” parks, whereas they used to be a huge part of the world, not just something that needed to be conserved. Animals as well are becoming endangered and in danger of becoming extinct.

The girl takes care of these eggs and she helps them to grow up. She becomes one of them, so much so that they look to her as a mother. They follow her everywhere. She is literally the only person or thing that these birds will follow.

The same thing happens in our lives with Christ. We can get distracted by the stuff of this world- the fame, the want to know everything, to understand anything, etc. And people try to find comfort in alcohol, drugs, money, you name it. But the only thing that gives us the freedom to fly in our lives is following God.

The girl and her father create this plan to help teach the geese to fly from their father’s farm South because they will not be safe where they are. Everybody who they talk to thinks they are absolutely out of their mind.

Sometimes God calls us to do absolutely crazy things that nobody else could even understand. Noah and the ark ring a bell? Everybody else around Noah probably thought he was crazy but he was doing what God called him to do.

Many of the scenes of them finally flying in the sky after months of preparation are of all of these places that we see in our world: they fly over cities, over farms, over various different places. People all over these various places look up and feel excitement as they watch these birds and the girl and her father helping them to fly.

The same goes for being a witness to God. People see what God is doing in our lives and hopefully they feel excitement. And they look up to God. Not to us, but to God. They see us soaring in the sky, above the storms, above the people shooting at us because they think we’re something we’re not (there were some people shooting at the geese). When we are a witness to God, it is never about us. It is about shining God’s light in our world.

The father and the girl touch down due to an accident with her father’s “bird plane.” They bump into this woman who invites them into her house to stay the night.

To me, this woman represents the people in our lives who are in our lives but for a moment, but they are necessary to come into our lives in order for us to continue our journey. It does not matter who they are or how long they stay in our lives, but they make a profound impact.

The scene that makes the most sense to me right now and as I watched this clip yesterday is the father waiting. He stands there waiting. And as he and this crowd of people who are fighting with each other over whether to tear down the trees and get rid of the environment for the geese, he just waits there.

This is how I believe God is waiting for all of us. In the chaos that our world is, with the constant arguing over politics, the environment, etc, we lose sight of the one who really holds our world together. As the girl soars to her final destination to meet her father, the battle over the trees is won and the geese find their environment as well. In this, I find the meaning that we are supposed to take care of this earth as much as we can until God finally calls us home. And until then, we are called to soar over the storms in our lives, whether it’s financial hardship, disabilities, losses, or just other strongholds.

I apologize for this really long post. I have watched this movie over and over again, but all of this came together right now as I am writing this.

I pray that whoever God wants to read this will read it and that those who do read it join with me to shine God’s light in our world in a way that has never been seen before. Share the unconditional love that Christ showed to all people on the cross. This goes for every single human being on this earth. I do not care who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve done or not done… We need more love in this world.

This earth is not our real home. And until we "fly away home," we need to take care of each other and bless each other in what we say and do to each other, but also to ourselves and all of God's creation.

Amen.

The Possible in the Impossible, The Real in the Unreal

I realized last night why some people have been having a difficult time understanding what I'm going through. I have told many people throughout the past few years, especially in the past few months, about my ability, or my perceived ability, of "photographic memory." I actually never thought to do any research into it, because it was always something I have had.

My first thought that I might have some sort of photographic memory came with a conversation with a professor. I had just taken a medical leave after my fall and I was getting back into the swing of classes, work and life. I was explaining how I usually memorize everything before an exam. This professor asked me if I had photographic memory. I was always known to finish exams in 20-30 minutes when it took most students the full hour and a half. One semester I got 11 100's on exams and I had always felt questioned by the professors. My peers often joked about my pencil being on fire because I wrote so fast.

Any of the professors I have ever had will tell you that their most frequent response to all my questions was "I am about to go over that", "We're going to go over that next class," etc. When I looked at what was on the board, I was not only processing what they were saying but I was applying everything I had learned on anything related and constantly questioning the limits to what they said. I have had professors tell me not to answer out loud when they asked questions. One told me that I needed to give others a chance to think and answer. To be honest, often I knew what they were asking by the third or fourth word in their question.

I also understand that some people may think that I spent all of my time reading books about the topics. But any of the people who know me will also tell you that I spent the majority of my time outside of class working 3-5 part-time jobs on campus. These jobs did not allow me to do anything but work. I often did not even have that much time to study.

When I do study, I often just skim the notes not to actually study or memorize anything. Instead, I test my ability to recall what the professor said. I would look at an equation and remember what I was looking at and what the professor was saying.

In everyday life, my mind is going a million miles a minute. If someone says a word to me, I literally go through a "chain" in my head. Seemingly unrelated things become a chain of thoughts in my head.

Now how does this all fit in to my visual memory of life events? I have always had an ability to look at the details of something. Look at my photography. Look at my drawings. I listen to music all the time and music is one of the things that has the most patterns in it. Any of my mathematics professors will tell you that I was constantly finding patterns in what they were teaching and would often ask them about more complex topics.

It is this ability to see all of the details that has helped me get to where I am. Those details were how God talked to me when I was younger. Those details are how God speaks to me now.

My family will tell you that I never sat around drawing. I actually do not like drawing. I have probably drawn around 20 sketches in the past 5 years. Until this past summer, my piano keyboard has been in my basement, completely forgotten. I never took a photography class. While I do like reading books, I also have not sat around reading books all the time. In college, I rarely ever had time to read any books.

I have always been told I have a good ear and a good eye. In high school, my band teacher needed more people to play french horn. So I switched from clarinet to french horn and learned how to play the french horn in about a month. I practiced it at home, not a lot. My mother does not even remember me practicing at all.

One time he asked me to play in front of the whole band during practice. At the end, he said that I had a good ear. I have always played music by ear. I have always drawn what I see. I have always remembered what I experience.

One of the biggest arguments I have had with my mother has been about my inability to understand why others couldn't just draw like I did or play music by ear. It has not been my thinking that I am better. It was truly that I have felt so different. Some of the people at my college even commented on what was my "unusual intelligence."

It is through these abilities that I have that I am able to process my past and present. I do not understand anything unless I can visualize it in my head. I loved Calculus 3 because it was in three dimensions. That's also why I like physics. It's the application of mathematics and so many other things I have observed.

I cannot actually look at a page with words for a few seconds and memorize it word for word. But I think in pictures. I remember in pictures and videos. I can walk through various parts of my life like I am living through it again. And this is with all of my senses, especially visual and auditory.

I have always paid so much attention to detail that the most basic things, like communication, are very difficult to me. I have always been observing the things around me. My mother once said that I've always been like a sponge just soaking up everything.

The most difficult part of it is that I have been through so many traumatic experiences, which makes my extreme visual memory sometimes very difficult to deal with. But I am slowly learning to deal with those difficult memories and to see how God carried me through them.

When I was six, I was trapped in my home in a house fire. I was alone and I remember that like it was yesterday. I went into the kitchen. The phone was on the wall closest to my bedroom. The stove was where the fire originated from, so the kitchen was the worst place to be. But I knew I had to call for help. So, at age six, I looked around me and I looked right by the sink. There was a small black garbage can. It was empty, but I went to the opposite side of the room where the phone was. I tipped it over, stepped on it and called the police. The firemen apparently got there right on time.

Thinking about this event in my life, I am reminded that it is my attention to detail that has continually saved my life. And having to go back to those bad events and memories in my life is exactly what will continue to help me through, just like I had to go back to the source of the fire in order to be rescued.

Who would have thought that in such a life threatening situation that a six year old would look around the kitchen, taking in the details around them and think to tip a trash can over so they could call the firemen? My attention to detail and ability to think on the spot has been what has helped me continually survive against the odds.

And of course, God. I would not be here without Him.

We may feel like God gives us more than we can handle, but I can tell you from my experiences of life that He always gives us what we need to handle the obstacles. I have been dealt extraordinarily difficult things to deal with in my life, but I do not know if I am surprised that I have been given extraordinary gifts to pay attention to the details and to express myself through ideas, drawing, photography, and music.

These abilities are why I have recently been given the diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, a form of autism. And I believe that autistic people, as any other human on this earth, should be loved, appreciated, not ignored, embraced and validated.

Resilience and Peace

Last night, I had a difficult time falling asleep. But unlike most nights, my mind was not overflowing with worried thoughts. Instead, my mind was overflowing with positive memories of something that God has been using to bring peace into my life…Birds.

This song kept coming to my mind last night and this is a song that I have listened to hundreds of times. I used to listen to it and sing it all day long, in the same room where so many of the most difficult times in my life happened. To me, it has always been a reminder that God is always there. Because God is love.

Listen to Twila Paris singing "Love's Been Following You."

As a Christian, I have often been asked when I first believed in God. I have never really been able to pinpoint one point in my life when I knew or when I completely surrendered my life to Him. He has always been a huge part of my life. I have definitely had periods when I have felt closer to Him than others. Sometimes He has seemed as far as He could possibly be, and in those times, doubt crept in. But fortunately those times of doubt usually were very short because God always brought me back. Not because of anything anyone else said. But because of things that He did in my life.

When people have heard my testimony, one of the first words that they say is “Resilience.” I have heard this word a lot throughout the past few weeks. While God has always been a big part of my ability to be resilient, I think the actual first time that I truly devoted my life to Him and surrendered everything to Him was last October, the moment I was praying on my knees asking Him to take my pride away. Ever since then, no matter how difficult things have gotten, I have never lost my hope and there has not been doubt about how He is working in my life.

I had so many nightmares as a child and unfortunately, I can remember quite a few of them. I had quite a few that had variations but I was always being chased by something that scared me. I was overcome by fear and the closer these “bad guys” got to me, the more afraid I became. And there would always come a point when I would bend my knees and jump and I would quickly be soaring in the sky. Sometimes the sky would be dark but most times, the sky would be light as day. I would just fly until my eyes opened and I was back in reality. I am not sure but maybe this is why I have always loved birds. I always wanted to fly like them, to feel the freedom that I felt in those dreams.

The bedroom I grew up in had three windows and it was in the front of the house. There was a huge tree right outside the window. I am not sure how old I was, probably around 9 or 10. I would have to ask my mom, but one day, a bird started to build a nest in that tree. Every day, I would spend a lot of time watching this bird and its babies. I cannot explain what it was like for me to watch the bird take care of its babies and then there came a point when the birds became old enough to try to fly. I was honestly scared for them. They were so little and I feared that they would try to fly and fall and get hurt. No words can really describe my excitement when I saw them fly. I also became sad, because I came to realize that all the time I had spent watching them grow up and transform was coming to an end and that nest would soon become quiet as they flew away.

In the second house I lived in right down the street from the first home I lived in is my second significant memory of a bird. Although this bird was not real. Yet it has still had a profound impact on me to this day. My family argued a lot as I grew up. One night, my mom and brother had their worst argument that I had ever witnessed and at the end of it, my brother came into my room. He gave me a bird sculpture that he had created. He may not have known it at the time, but I felt that through that gift, God was telling me that I had to let him go and give him to God. My brother ended up leaving that night and then my family became just my mom and I. I grew up watching my family literally fall apart. My father was the first to leave, then my oldest brother left, then my other brother left, and then my mom left for a period and it was just me. My brother often apologizes for leaving me when I needed someone. But I am not mad at him, as I am not really angry at any of my family anymore. Of course, I have been angry at them all before, but God has helped me transform that anger into peace and forgiveness.

Over my many years of talking to doctors, therapists, friends, and pastors, many people have come to know that the verse I have thought about the most throughout my life is Isaiah 40:31, a verse that represents “resilience” in a way that is so true and real to me.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.” 

–Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Eagles are supposed to represent strength and resilience. I read once that they also often fly alone. They are known to wait for a storm and once the winds pick up, they use the winds to rise above the storm. I have shared this with so many people and one of my doctors recently told me that whenever she sees an eagle, she thinks of me.

The third home I lived in is right near a lake. We moved into that home after many months of living out of a suitcase. As I shared in another post, I lived in about 8 different homes over a period of a year or so.

God used that lake to transform and heal me through some extremely difficult times. It was at that lake that I met two swans. Every summer, I would walk around that lake watching the babies of these swans grow up. For many years in a row, I would be deeply saddened as I watched the babies slowly disappear. Year after year, none of their babies survived. This past summer, however, they had eight babies. I prayed every time I saw them and my heart was full of joy as I watched all of them survive this summer. I had a chance to visit them when I was home for the holidays. It was like visiting another family of mine.

What I learned through watching these swans was to never give up, especially on family. These swans went through the worst of the worst together, including Hurricane Sandy. There were so many times that I saw the parents protect their babies against people as well as the geese who also inhabited the lake. I have been extremely angry, upset and disappointed with my family at times, but I have never lost hope in them. I never stopped praying for them. I have asked so many of my friends to pray for them that I often felt like a broken record. But I knew that God would work in their lives and do things that I could not do myself.

My mom and my brother have come a very long way and we are learning slowly but surely what normalcy is, if such a thing exists.

Now as I am healing, does it surprise me that God would yet again use birds to speak to me or teach me a lesson? Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I was at my lowest point. I absolutely thought nobody was there for me and I felt completely abandoned. I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. But I posted on my Facebook asking for prayer. I ended up walking about 4 or 5 miles to talk to someone I knew could help. I do not remember how I walked that far, except that I literally felt like I was being carried. I said “I need support. I need help.”

That day, I found the lake that I have spent the majority of my time at over the past few weeks.

This past week, I was extremely upset. So I went to the lake to cool down. My anxiety was extremely high and negative thoughts were flowing through my mind. I was listening to Pandora and all of a sudden, I felt this urge to look up. The second I looked up, I saw a white bird soaring and my anxiety and the thoughts just stopped… Abruptly stopped. I was overcome by a peace and calm that I cannot explain with words, something you have to experience to understand.

I called my mom and told her and I said it was a white bird. She kept asking me if it was white. I got frustrated and asked her why she kept asking me if it was white. I told her I know white when I see white. She told me she wanted to make sure she heard me clearly and explained that white birds are a symbol of peace. I did not put it all together until I remembered what I had grown up hearing about the Holy Spirit.

I have seen so many white birds this week since that day and every time I do, I am filled with that same peace and calm. Nine of them actually flew and landed close to me yesterday during the sunset.

I want to end this post with a video of my favorite movie of all time, “Fly Away Home.” When I was younger, I used to watch this movie so many times that my family thought I was crazy. One time I rented the VHS tape from the library and watched it 5 times in one day. They asked me, “You’re still watching that?”

At the beginning of this movie, the girl loses her mother in a car crash, one of the most difficult things that a human can endure. She finds peace and meaning in her life when she finds these geese eggs on her father’s farm. She takes care of the baby geese as they grow up. My favorite scene of this movie and the reason I can watch this movie so many times is at the end when she flies with the geese to their final destination after a very difficult journey over many miles.

This scene always makes me cry, not of sadness, but of great joy because throughout my whole life, this scene has always been a scene of overcoming the most difficult moments in our lives. It is in this scene that she finds peace with the loss of her mother and realizes the meaning in her life.

Mourning into Morning, Darkness into Light, Fear into Peace

I was not going to blog tonight, but I just had quite possibly one of the most incredible God moments in my life. It was way too good not to share.

I spent the past hour or so outside gazing up at the stars. When I first got outside, the sky was extremely cloudy to the point that I could not see any stars. Regardless, I put on my Pandora playlist.

After playing a few songs, “Deliver Me” by David Crowder Band came on. This has been one of my favorite songs for many years. Every time I hear the song, I have always listened to it as a prayer.

Midway through the song, the clouds opened up. The clouds started moving and one by one, the stars came into view.

As this was happening, I was listening to these words:

“All of my life I’ve been in hiding wishing there was someone just like You. Now that You’re here, now that I’ve found You, I know that You’re the One to pull me through.”

All of a sudden, a ton of things made sense. Just as the fog and clouds were taken away, clarity was brought into my mind.

Nights have always been the worst and lately, my physical symptoms and anxiety have been the worst at night.

To me, ever since I was a young child, I always assimilated night with darkness and evil and morning with light and joy. Nights were always full of the worst things imaginable. I had to listen to arguments, yelling, and fighting during the night. It was at night that I found out about my oldest brother’s suicide. As a teenager alone at home, I spent countless nights trying to sleep but having tremendous fears about the past. I prayed every night for each of my family members until I finally fell asleep. It was at night that I have been woken up to police. One time I woke up extremely scared because I saw flashlights through my bedroom window. Honestly most of my memories of my childhood and somewhat throughout growing up were at night. Being in nature has brought back some of the peaceful moments I do have of being a child being in the forest behind the home I grew up in. It was on a rock that I used to think of as a sofa that I first started journaling.

There is a reason that I have an “obsession” with sunsets and sunrises. It is because every morning, my anxiety is replaced by a sense of peace and joy almost as soon as the light peaks through my window. I have spent so many nights just waiting for morning to come. I prayed so many nights that morning would come quicker. And sometimes it seemed like morning did not come soon enough. But God has always pulled me through those nights and the darkness.

Somewhere between the clouds drifting away to bring clarity to the darkness of the sky tonight and the words of “Deliver Me” flowing through my ears, I realized that God is truly delivering me. I realized that slowly but surely God is truly helping bring the peace I feel in the morning into the darkness of night. I felt more at peace tonight than I have at night in so long.

The last time I could remember feeling this kind of peace during nighttime was actually when I was flying from my home town after spending a week with my family for the holidays this year and then coming back to my new home. I had never flown before at night, or at least from what I could remember. I had flown a few red-eye flights when I was younger and I visited Arizona, but I had slept through those flights.

I flew on New Years Eve this year and to be honest, I wondered what in the world I had been thinking when I booked a flight on New Year’s Eve. I do not even know why I felt this huge urge to make sure I had a window seat on both flights, something I have not done on all of my trips. But there was something incredibly magical about that night. I literally had my eyes glued to the window the entire three hours. As my fellow travelers were almost all sleeping, I was listening to music (yes, of course).

And at one point, the song “Walk on the Water” by Britt Nicole came on. There was complete darkness outside. I could not even see the horizon during that moment. And it hit me that I was thousands of feet in the air. A tremendous amount of fear came over me. I just felt like I was floating, in the middle of the unknown. And then, these words came into my ears…

“When you take that first step

Into the unknown

You know that He won’t let you go.”

God spoke to me really clearly through those words and my experience with the unknown right outside the airplane window. My anxiety turned into peace and something told me that there was more to this situation than just this one night, that I was beginning a new journey. Was it coincidence that this all happened on a night known for huge transformation into a new year? I do not think so.

I wanted to write everything down, so I grabbed a little piece of paper from my backpack and started writing everything down that I was experiencing. The man who was sitting next to me asked me what I was writing. I told him about my experience and how God has spoken to me through the song and the darkness.

He handed me two magnets, which I have in my apartment on my refrigerator. The magnets each have a Bible verse on them and it hit me as I am writing this that one of those Bible verses is the same exact verse that my mom texted me this morning. God’s timing is perfect.

That verse is this:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

As I am writing this, God is revealing the profound impact and truth of these words in my life throughout the past few weeks since I began this healing journey.

When I gaze up at the stars, I am immediately brought back to those moments in the airplane and no matter how bad my day was, no matter how high my anxiety is or what memories are competing for my mind’s attention, my body, mind, soul and spirit are overcome with peace and joy in the middle of the darkness. This is something I have been praying for my entire life.

I can try to explain it in words, which I have done in this post, but I do not know if these words do justice to the miracle that has happened tonight and throughout the past few weeks.

A New Song

I waited patiently for the Lord;

and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit,

out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock,

and established my goings.

And he hath put a new song in my mouth,

even praise unto our God:

many shall see it, and fear,

and shall trust in the Lord.

-Psalm 40:1-3 (KJV)

This passage is one that has really helped me in the moments when I feel stuck in a pit because of my experiences in life. I began this blog to share with others what God is doing in my life, in hopes that as God pulls me out of this pit, that He can take my “new song” and that many will see how powerful God is.

Writing and sharing this is not easy for me. Last night, it scared me a lot actually. I am not a minister and I do not pretend to be. I continually pray to God for discernment on what to say or if I am doing and saying the right things.

Do Christians have to be ordained in order to share how God is helping them through their struggles?

Not necessarily.

Something that has been so incredibly important to me as I share my experiences and lessons from God is that everything that I have shared about what God is teaching me is Biblically-based. Our greatest discernment of the truth comes from the truth in God’s Word.

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” 

–Psalm 119:105 (KJV)

One of the reasons my faith is so strong is that I spent so many years of my life alone, praying and reading Scripture when my family was falling apart, when I was alone because I was neglected… It was through His Word that I learned about the struggles and obstacles of those who lived many years ago who went through similar experiences, similar emotions. It was through the words of Scripture that I am able to stand these attacks. It does not surprise me that when I am struggling the most, a verse comes into my head out of nowhere that is exactly what I needed.

Does my strong faith make me special? Does it mean that I have something different that others do not have? Does it mean that I’m closer to God than most people?

I do not think so at all and I believe that if someone does believe that, then it is deceit. I completely believe that anybody who is willing to open their ears, eyes and hearts to God can become close to Him. And the wisdom that comes from listening to what God tells us does not make us closer to Him than He is to any other person. It also doesn’t make us into God.

I can say I know God. But I do not fully know everything about Him. That is impossible on this earth. Just like it is impossible to know everyone and everything on this earth, our God is so complex and so complicated that we cannot know everything about Him.

I honestly do not mind if people question something I say about God, because first, it gets people thinking about who God is. Second, I would sincerely hope that just because a human says something about God that people would not blindly take it as truth. We are not God, so we cannot possibly know everything about Him. Just like people who know you or me cannot know everything we deal with. People may see us on the outside and think they know everything we feel or that is happening within us.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

I hope that through sharing my journey that God will take what I say and help others to draw closer to Him. Some of the things I have written about are things that I am still struggling with and learning. I cannot say, “Oh all of a sudden I am fine and I know everything someone can know about God!” Because that would not be true. Life is a journey and walking with God is a process.