Freedom in the Fight

Ever since that day a month ago, that day I chose to fight that which had always tried to control and rob me of the last 8 years, I have wondered where I would be, etc. And I also believe that though the medications robbed me of certain experiences, it has not changed who I am. In fact, I believe it has made me a better person.

On that day over a month ago, I stopped taking a certain type of medication that I thought might be creating the symptoms, especially paranoia. Two days later, the symptoms disappeared. I was told that I would not even make it past the first week without being hospitalized. People will tell you that I was so excited I was dancing for most of the week. Imagine if you felt deep pain and fear for many years and it disappeared.

When I was first placed on this type of medication, I was in my third year of college. I had a 3.986 GPA in my first two years. After I went back after a medical leave, my grades plummeted. I could not deal with the loss of memory, concentration and focus. I had numerous talks with someone from the school who said I had to come to terms with these changes.

I don’t quite know when I first had paranoia, other than that it mostly started in late college years, which I was taking new medications . Somehow, I graduated and received a full fellowship for a PhD program. I was excited but my paranoia progressed rapidly. I was hospitalized about 8 times within college and graduate school and given all sorts of diagnoses. They tried putting me on over 25 medications, about 10 of which were the type I do not take now. They never completely worked and I was very frustrated.

I lost my PhD fellowship because of the paranoia. I could not walk around campus without having my head over my shoulder. My mind could not comprehend that maybe all those people were not following me but rather going to a different building or classroom.  I could barely look at peers or professors without intense fear. I even could not sit in a church without doubting that the people around me wanted me to go away. I could not even function as a lab assistant because I was so paranoid.

I ended up going home. I had a steady stream of hospital visits, day programs, hospital visits, day programs. Nobody could pinpoint why all the treatments were not working. Meanwhile, my brain was chaotic. I became catatonic, heard voices, would cringe at the sight of police, freeze at the sound of police cars. I feared that people thought I was not taking my medications….which I was taking them.

I did not want to go anywhere. I began not to go running, for fear that the police were following me. I stopped going to a friend’s store, for fear that they had ties to the FBI. I began to avoid the world out there. That’s when I stopped talking to my mother. I was hospitalized, cut off any communication with her, and moved away from anything I knew.

I began a day program. My mind was so cloudy that I did not really know what was going on. After that program, I was put in another outpatient program in which I have been in for the past 2 and a half years. Again, I was met with more paranoia. Some days I would travel in my mind. I soon began to fear some other peers and especially staff. One day I would be so happy and the next I believed some of the staff worked for the FBI. I sometimes spent a whole week not trusting anyone. Some days I gathered the courage to ask staff if I was in trouble or if they were mad at me.

They relentlessly told me that I was okay, that there was nothing wrong. That answer would lessen the paranoia but not for long.

Two months ago, I realized that I had not taken a medication that I was supposed to take for “psychotic agitation.” It was an as-needed medication to help alleviate the paranoia. I noticed that I was absolutely fine. Unfortunately after explaining this, I was told to stay on the medication.

After taking the medication again, my symptoms came back, worse than ever before. That is when I began to fight. I thought I was on to something. One day, I made sense of everything.

I’ve been off that type of medication for over a month now and I have not had any paranoia.

Those medications may have robbed me of the last 8 years but I still have me. I have met incredible people. I’ve met the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend, I have many friends and a great support network. And I also have God in my life, who has helped me to continue to get through difficult times.

The Power of Good

I am on a vacation but not a vacation. I am on a retreat but not a retreat. I am at the beach but not a beach. I am somewhere I’ve never been but not somewhere I’ve never been.

I am on a personal journey to find my life. How many times have people said that? How can you find your life? You’re living, aren’t you? How can you lose something so tangible, so palpable?

I came to where I am because I helped save someone’s life two weeks ago. It was extremely frightening and traumatic. I came here trusting that something good would happen.

Little did I know that I would find myself again. I found more of myself in the silence than in the words of those around me. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I went outside, put a 5 or 10 minute timer on my phone. I sit in the chair with my eyes closed and just listened. I heard the birds. I heard the trees in the wind. I heard planes. I heard faint voices. I felt the sun piercing through my closed eyes. But no words.

For those few moments, I was one with my surroundings. I was one with my experiences in that moment. More often than not, I would be disappointed when the 5-10 minute timer would bring me back to reality, whatever that means. I thought I was more in reality than ever before.

My greatest discovery being here has been that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a death sentence. I, as well as many other people, have been very traumatized. I think you can agree that this world is messy, but it does not have to be. THIS WORLD DOES NOT HAVE TO BE. We live in an absolutely beautiful world.

What are you saying, Chelsea? How can you say that when it seems like our world seems to be falling apart?

It is not falling apart. We have a God who can transform all the bad into good. If you take time out of your busy day to see the beauty of this universe, you can see the beauty. Your world revolves around what you focus on.

The beauty of the brain, which I have studied extensively, is that it can change. I have noticed just this past week how powerful focusing on the GOOD rather than the bad can be.

Someone told me a few days ago that we can have bad triggers but there can also be GOOD triggers. I did not really understand that at first. But once I began recalling good memories, I found a different experience than I had rarely experienced before. I laughed, I smiled, joy filled my body.

GOOD is powerful.

Silencing the Screams

The words are escaping me. I do not really know what to say. I do not want to eat. I've had nightmares that awaken me at all hours of the night. I look around myself and I see her. I hear her cursing at us at the top of her lungs. I hear her screams and also my screams in my head, silently screaming. We all went from 0 to 60 in 1 second. The adrenaline still flows through my veins despite knowing that it happened three days ago. It honestly feels like it happened a few seconds ago.

I find myself having a cup in my hand ready to drink from it and freezing for 30 seconds only to "awaken" and drink. Or riding on the bus looking out the windows while the bus driver says "Here we are." The tape goes over and over in my head. The first image. The screams. The police. The sirens. The chase. The silent screams. The deep breath. I cannot seem to get out of it.

I am stuck in those thirty minutes and I wonder to myself when it will end.

I have had my headphones in my ears everywhere I've gone for the past 3 days because it helps to silence the screams. I try to listen to the words instead of the replaying video. Sometimes it helps. Most times it does not.

I've had a lot of traumatic experiences but this one is different. I never thought I would see this in my lifetime.

I don't really have any other words other than that I am glad she is alive. I helped save her life but I do not think I am some kind of hero. Ultimately I am thankful to God for saving her. I was just an instrument.