Broken Is Beautiful

This happened this morning…

At first I was upset, but then I gathered the plants and put them in a larger flower pot. I “saved” them from dying. I saw the beauty in the desperation, the strength in the weakness and the opportunity in the accident.

I could not help but stop and ruminate on the power of this metaphor. Many people have heard that broken things are sometimes more beautiful than the original thing, whatever that “thing” is. It could be a difficult situation or a time when you felt broken and so "beaten up" that you want to give up. A person dies that you were close to, you received a diagnosis for something that you did not want to deal with, someone treated you badly with no remorse, having a period of time when you were frustrated at the world, etc.

Whatever that situation is, there is always hope. When the flower pot slipped out of my hands, I was frustrated. But I saved the plants and I also saved the broken pieces of the flower pot for an art project I want to make.

Even in our roughest moments or moments in which we want to give up, there are even more beautiful moments in store for us as we keep moving forward and fighting through our worst fears. It is in moving forward that we allow good to come into our lives at the times when we most need it.

Facing Our Greatest Fears

I have to say that I love my friends. I just got off the phone with a friend after calling family and friends since around 5pm tonight when my doctor gave me some news.

Good news first: The lumps in my breasts are benign and are thought to be cysts.
Bad news second: Because my hormone level is high, I am getting an MRI scan next week to see if I have a pituitary tumor.

The friend that I got off the phone with yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise God!" when I told her about the benign lumps. When I said "but I still have to go to get an MRI to see if there is a tumor," she exclaimed "There won't be!" Sometimes I wish I could have conviction like her. I always have admired her strong faith in healing. I definitely believe in the power of prayer, but often, I don't fully trust in God. I have never fully trusted anyone in my life based on my rough childhood and my mental illness, especially paranoia.

As I waited in the waiting room in the imaging building this morning, I rested my head on my boyfriend's shoulder, as we held hands tightly, not knowing what today would bring. I wrote something on my Facebook last night "We never know what tomorrow will bring until we face our fears." Fear is such a prominent feature of my mental illness and in so many lives in general. I have learned that the only way to overcome my symptoms is to keep living and keep moving forward despite the scary stuff. It's ok to be afraid or anxious but when it stops you from moving forward, problems arise.

I recently was released from the inpatient psych unit at the local hospital and to tell you the truth, I was terrified. The hospital had become a comfort zone or a safe place for me. I thought that everyone on the outside was after me (and including most of the people treating me). I thought there were going to be helicopters with FBI agents and police cars waiting for me to get out so they could arrest me. I did not want to leave the hospital, but the night before my release, I told myself that I can't let my symptoms dictate my life. I knew I had to leave and deal with whatever came, no matter how frightening. I could either stay in the hospital and risk going to a state mental institution or I could get up the next morning and face my greatest fears.

I did not want to go the imaging place this morning and I believe that having my boyfriend there with me is one of the only reasons I went. But again, in order to move forward, I had to overcome the tidal wave of anxiety. I had to get up, get dressed and get my day started. If not, I would allow my
anxiety to rule my life.

A few days ago, I came across a new favorite song of mine called The Cure by Unspoken. It talks about the fact that we all are going through something frightening or challenging. We are all looking for ways to "cure" what we are going through but the only true "cure" is found in Jesus. He IS the cure. In the depths of my soul, I know that God can heal, at the perfect time and the truly divine moment.

May God heal you, restore you and bring you a sense of hope and peace which surpass all understanding.

Trusting God

It’s about 6 am this morning, June 17, 2017. I believe in being real and genuine as I deal with difficult circumstances during my life journey with mental illness and life in general. This is as raw as it gets. I do not always write for others but rather, I often write to process my challenges.

As many of you know, yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to my doctor to get a breast exam to see if I need a mammogram. While there, they found “thickened areas” in both breasts and I was diagnosed with “an unspecified lump in breast.” I am going next Thursday morning to get a breast ultrasound to get a better idea of what I’m dealing with and to see if there are tumors. My doctor did not want to send me for a mammogram unless I absolutely need it to avoid excess radiation. They also may do an MRI sometime soon to rule out a pituitary tumor, something that may be real and possible.

I hope it’s cysts. I pray that it is cysts. I pray it’s nodules. I pray that I do not have to worry about something more serious. But a lot of people do not know the full story.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition that has been found to increase the likelihood of breast cancer. One of my hormone levels was through the roof when I was in the psych inpatient unit. My level was 122 and the normal level is 20-25. My psychiatrist immediately took me off all antipsychotics except a very small dose of an antipsychotic as a PRN (as needed) medication. To tell you the truth, I do not always want to take it because it raises my hormone level, thus raising the likelihood of getting breast cancer. Do I choose sanity or do I choose a lower risk of breast cancer? Catch-22. Sometimes the PRN is not enough and I have to deal with the paranoia and psychosis with skills. I have been on antipsychotics since 2009 and they can greatly exacerbate the medical condition, meaning that my levels probably have been high for a very long time, thus, again, raising my likelihood for breast cancer.

I am so thankful for all the prayers I’ve received. I can honestly feel them. This is one of the most scary and terrifying things I have ever gone through. Yes, I am scared that it may be breast cancer. Yes, my mind is going there. Yes, I’ve cried my eyes out all day yesterday and a little this morning. Why? Because there is a chance that I may have breast cancer. There also is a chance I may have a pituitary tumor. I am scared. Many of my friends and family are scared. I almost broke down when I saw my brother nearly cry last night as I gave him an update.

One of the only things that keeps me going is that I have God in my life. Some people have said that God would not give me cancer. Even if He does, I know that He will be there with me through all of this. I also am honored to have a boyfriend who wants to go with me to all my appointments. He is the most amazing man I know and I am incredibly lucky that he chose me to be his girlfriend. He is so strong and he helped me through so much. I honestly love him to the moon and back (1,500,000 times).

I am fortunate to have friends and family all over the world who have reached out to me. Yes, this time is scary, but when you have that much support, it is a lot easier to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” (Psalm 23). When you know that God will never abandon you, there is hope for a better day. There is hope that I can keep moving forward, no matter how terrifying and challenging circumstances can get.

Please feel free to share this because I need as many prayers I can get at this point.