In creating this blog a few years ago, I promised that it would be an honest portrayal of what it means to have mental illness, as I struggle with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.
Like all of us human beings in this world, we encounter troubling times and things that really hurt us.
Last week, I felt all the above. Every day last week, I dealt with difficult symptoms of paranoia and PTSD. Even when I think back to last week, I feel the hurt, the pain, the fear. I was and am terrified.
I WANT IT GONE!
Last week, I also had a kind of flashback I have never encountered before. When I was in it, I could not talk. I was hyperventilating. It was one of (if not) the scariest and deepest flashback I have ever felt.
At some points this week, I voiced to people that I am sick of this and cannot take it anymore. Even though I say things like that every so often, I always feel God's presence so I move forward.
Today, I am at a scale 2/10, 1 no flashbacks/paranoia, 10 all the time. Earlier this week I was at 15/10.
No matter how hard life is, it is always worth it to live.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Monumental Milestone
I struggle with paranoia and psychosis at times. I struggle with these symptoms from time to time.
Over a year ago, I went to a church that would be the last service I had been to.
I was disappointed greatly with that church.
During my last service there, I kept leaving the sanctuary to check if the FBI was outside. I felt no support with my symptoms. Nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody came up to me even though I was distraught and confused. My paranoia was too difficult to deal with so I left the church and said I was never going to go back there or no other church in general.
It is very difficult to be symptomatic in church because I felt judged by the fact that I kept leaving. I assume they thought I was rude or I did not hear the sermon because I did not want to.
Trust me, I wanted to be a part of the worship time. But my paranoia did not let that happen. I heard people laughing at me.
Welcome to a year and a half later...
I was praying God to lead me to a church. I am one to believe that you can go to church every day of your life and be a minister everywhere you go through your loving kindness to those around you.Church can happen anywhere or anytime. Church is a place to find support in your walk with Christ. However, there is nothing saying that you have to go to church to be Christian.
I went to church this morning for the first time in over a year. I had no paranoia and minimal anxiety. The congregation was fairly small, which helped with my symptoms. I got to the church and a nice lady helped me find the door to get in. I was introduced to quite a few people. The nature was very kind and loving.
Granted, I did not tell anybody at the church about my chronic mental illnesses. I did not feel the need to since I felt so at home being there. I did not tell anybody there that it had been over a year since I went to a church service.
For me, it was a monumental milestone.
Over a year ago, I went to a church that would be the last service I had been to.
I was disappointed greatly with that church.
During my last service there, I kept leaving the sanctuary to check if the FBI was outside. I felt no support with my symptoms. Nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody came up to me even though I was distraught and confused. My paranoia was too difficult to deal with so I left the church and said I was never going to go back there or no other church in general.
It is very difficult to be symptomatic in church because I felt judged by the fact that I kept leaving. I assume they thought I was rude or I did not hear the sermon because I did not want to.
Trust me, I wanted to be a part of the worship time. But my paranoia did not let that happen. I heard people laughing at me.
Welcome to a year and a half later...
I was praying God to lead me to a church. I am one to believe that you can go to church every day of your life and be a minister everywhere you go through your loving kindness to those around you.Church can happen anywhere or anytime. Church is a place to find support in your walk with Christ. However, there is nothing saying that you have to go to church to be Christian.
I went to church this morning for the first time in over a year. I had no paranoia and minimal anxiety. The congregation was fairly small, which helped with my symptoms. I got to the church and a nice lady helped me find the door to get in. I was introduced to quite a few people. The nature was very kind and loving.
Granted, I did not tell anybody at the church about my chronic mental illnesses. I did not feel the need to since I felt so at home being there. I did not tell anybody there that it had been over a year since I went to a church service.
For me, it was a monumental milestone.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
New Year Resolutions
I do not know about you but I made tremendous progress in nearly every aspect of my life in the past year. As I look at the year that just passed, I am always reminded of God. Last year was awesome, but I am going to work even harder in 2016. I may even be going to back to school to receive a Doctor of Philosophy degree (PhD).
In 2009, I took a severe fall of 30-40 feet and the doctors said I may never walk again. Well, this past year, I ran nearly every day for different charities. I am so grateful for all that God has done in my life, as well as my "guardian angels" I have found in this life. I look up to them and I wanted to pay it forward by living life to its fullest, in more ways than one. I have been extremely blessed, EXTREMELY. That is what motivates me to help.others. I want to make my own mark in this world.
I could have died plenty of times in my life. I have often asked God why I haven't died and He answers me in the strength, and courage He gives me every day to deal with multiple chronic mental illnesses. I have learned to love life again, despite the constant challenges. He helps me to make a difference in this world. I want to keep giving to others my time and effort. It makes my borrowed time even more beautiful.
Here are my 10 New Years Resolutions
1. Run a half marathon.
2. Read 15 books.
3. Do something majestic or new..
4. Listen more.
5. Crochet 200 scarves for charities (75-100 to homeless people on the streets)
6. Work on my memoir.
7. Celebrate 2 years without a hospitalization.
8. Meet more people.
9. Donate my hair.
10. Run 250 miles using Charity Miles
In 2009, I took a severe fall of 30-40 feet and the doctors said I may never walk again. Well, this past year, I ran nearly every day for different charities. I am so grateful for all that God has done in my life, as well as my "guardian angels" I have found in this life. I look up to them and I wanted to pay it forward by living life to its fullest, in more ways than one. I have been extremely blessed, EXTREMELY. That is what motivates me to help.others. I want to make my own mark in this world.
I could have died plenty of times in my life. I have often asked God why I haven't died and He answers me in the strength, and courage He gives me every day to deal with multiple chronic mental illnesses. I have learned to love life again, despite the constant challenges. He helps me to make a difference in this world. I want to keep giving to others my time and effort. It makes my borrowed time even more beautiful.
Here are my 10 New Years Resolutions
1. Run a half marathon.
2. Read 15 books.
3. Do something majestic or new..
4. Listen more.
5. Crochet 200 scarves for charities (75-100 to homeless people on the streets)
6. Work on my memoir.
7. Celebrate 2 years without a hospitalization.
8. Meet more people.
9. Donate my hair.
10. Run 250 miles using Charity Miles
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