My Rock

"This is the day on which another year closes. It is a good time for a quiet, honest look at my personal progress. Has it been a good year, better than those which went before?... I will live just one day at a time, making each one better than the last, as I grow in confidence and faith."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Dec. 31 Devotion

In the past few days, I have reflected upon this last year as this year comes to a close.

At the beginning of this year, I was manic as could be. I was getting ready for a half marathon, running 6 minute miles, excited for my future, and ready to finish my PhD program by the age of 25.

I never could have imagined the chaos that was on its way, the chaos of severe mental illness...

My world was literally turned upside down, twisted and thrown every which way when paranoia and psychosis entered my world. Everything that I knew and loved became chaos. Except, of course, my relationship with God.

My relationship with God was my rock during this time. I was hospitalized four times between January and April. I missed more than two months of classes but I still held on. I kept my eyes on my Rock and my Healer and He held on to me.

Eventually I was released from my last hospitalization on April 10, my birthday and on that day, I was given a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. The chaos finally had a name. I finally had an answer to what was shaking my world. And I made the executive decision to take it one day at a time and try to defeat this new evil in my life.

And I did... except one thing... I was not in the PhD program anymore. It was a hard thing to come to terms with, but I did and I moved full force ahead in the Masters program. I spent the summer working a small, easy job and then one month out of the hospital became two, then three, then four... then eventually eight months out of the hospital and I'm still running full speed ahead.

This year ends on a very high note, even with all of the chaos that occurred... I graduated with my Masters, despite all of the challenges I faced. And for that, I am very grateful. I still can't believe I graduated... It is a complete blessing.

And I am looking forward to 2014 as another great year, one that I will continue to defeat obstacles, as I have this year.

Happy New Year y'all!

Peace of Mind

"The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it... I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow and enjoy."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Dec. 30 devotional

How hard is it to let go of some hurtful thing someone has said to you? Some really nasty thing that someone did towards you?

It's difficult...

However difficult it is, we have the power inside of us to move forward despite what others have said or done to us. We don't have to live thinking about all the evil, awful, horrible things that have happened to us.

I am learning this in my own life.

As many of you know, I have moved home to live with my mom. There have been difficult times between us, especially when I was a teenager. But I have a choice to make. Do I let those memories of those difficult times ruin my present relationship with her by dwelling on her past mistakes or do I move forward and create new, great memories with her?

I have chosen the latter... Because I've made mistakes as well.

No matter what anyone has said or done to you, you have it in you to move forward, knowing that you are a beautiful, worthy and precious child of God. You have the power to listen to the Word of God rather than what someone might have said or done in an angry state of mind.

Talking To God

Two people complimented me on my photography yesterday, a friend and my brother.

I wanted to share something I wrote this morning to my brother, because it sums up what it means to me to be a photographer...

"I've never taken photography classes or read a book. It's like God tells me to look up and I do and I see the most magical, beautiful scenes. My photography is how God speaks to me, how He lets me know He's here with me. I got back into photography when I was manic and psychotic and when I went to Lake Alice in Florida. It helped me get through that time, because I captured the beauty of the lake through my photography. I look back on those photos and I remember what God was telling me. It's a gift, one that I am most grateful for. The only trick is to look up when God says to."

To me, photography is not about capturing the perfect shot. I rarely ever take a photo again. It is about enjoying this life with God. It is about experiencing God. It is about having a deep conversation with God about whatever is on my mind. It is about letting God know what is on my mind as well as letting God speak to me in a way only He can.

The clouds, the birds, everything... God speaks to me through all of it. And when He tells me to look up, I do, because the way He speaks to me is through the beauty of nature and what He has created...

Lately, I have figured out how to use the panaromic function on my iPhone camera, so I have been using it. It is just another way to capture the complete beauty of this earth. Here are some photos...

Beauty Within

I just got home from trying to donate blood. My red blood cell count was 37 and I needed a 38. Needless to say, I was very disappointed.

But I will keep trying...

Donating blood is very important to me because through it, I can help many others.

I am currently reading a book that my mother gave me for Christmas called The List by Siobhan Vivian. It is a young adult novel about a high school in which there is a list published every year that lists the ugliest and prettiest girls in each grade.

Throughout reading the book, I have questioned what beauty really means.

I have come to the conclusion that beauty can be found in everything and everyone... Sometimes you need to look deeper and sometimes you need not. Sometimes beauty can be found in what other people do. Sometimes beauty can be heard through what someone says.

If you look deep enough, you can find beauty all around.

Beauty in itself is something that lies within each of us...

Trusting God Through It All

"No one knows the future- except God...What should this mean? It should give us humility before God, and it should give us trust- trust in the God who does know our futures, and who works all things for His glory. You can trust all your tomorrows to Him!"
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Dec. 27 Devotional

Let me be even more real than I usually am for a second... I got a call from a collections agency last night about a hospital bill that I don't remember receiving. Needless to say, I was frustrated and scared. I have had a few hospital bills go to collections because I have been hospitalized so much that I have lost track of them. There are just way too many... I've been hospitalized 10 times in the past few years and that includes quite a few brain scans.

I needed this devotional this morning. I needed to be reminded that God has my whole life in His hands and that He's got my back.

God always delivers when I most need it and He never stops caring. Finances have not always been easy for my family, in fact we have always been considered poor. That is why we eventually became homeless when I was a teenager.

But I was reminded that God has always provided exactly what I need and sometimes more. So I keep on keeping on trusting God through it all... Through the frustration, through the fears, through the tears...

God always provides.
-

Creativity Within

"Joy doesn't come merely from being entertained, but from a decision to appreciate each moment that you are given as a rare and precious gift from God."
-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

 My brother told me yesterday that I can make any camera, no matter how simple, take beautiful photography. That was a huge compliment to me and I did not take it lightly. You see, one of my main goals in life is to find beauty in simplicity and to share it with others. I love finding the beauty in the ordinary and capturing it through my photography, even with a simple camera. All of my photography is taken with an iPhone 4 camera and is not modified or photoshopped.

Andrew's comment was a huge compliment to me as well because it made me realize that all of my creativity has not been taken away by my medications. There is still some mild mania inside of me. As someone who loves art and creativity, this is a huge blessing. There is just enough mania within to able to capture the beauty all around me.

My creativity means the world to me. It means I can "appreciate each moment." It means that I can be excited about the ordinary and find meaning where there may look like there is none. Creativity is what drives me. It drives me as an engineer, blogger and photographer. Enjoying each moment as a gift from God is what makes me want to live. Each of my photos is a glimpse of my time with God.

I wanted to share some of my recent photography at a lake near my home in NJ. Enjoy!

What Is Christmas?

So what is Christmas about?

Christmas is beyond just receiving gifts. It is beyond Santa Clause.

It is about searching within yourself for a love much deeper... A love that makes you want to brighten the day for everyone you come across. It's like a light comes on and everyone is more cheerful, more joyful, more full of light.

But not everyone's Christmas is blessed with presents and shared moments with loved ones. There are people living on the streets who do not even know it is Christmas.

I know because I met one of them a few years ago when I handed out blankets in New York City on Christmas morning. He was living on newspapers in the freezing cold. In that moment, watching his eyes light up with thankfulness, I found that love deep within...

A love that cannot be explained by words... It can only be felt by experiences.

I felt that love again when I handed out scarves I had crocheted to homeless people in New York City. Those scarves meant a lot because I crocheted them during treatment in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). As I crocheted them, I went through a transformational healing. Needless to say, I prayed for everyone who received them...

This Christmas, my mom and I visited my brother. We wanted to visit him but did not have a ride. We frantically called a taxi company, who said they did not have a taxi out. One of my mother's friends graciously drove us to see him.

As I spent time with my brother, nothing else mattered apart from spending time with him. The gifts did not matter. All that mattered was the love I felt. I can tell you that I savored every moment of our time.

No matter what you do tonight, please say a prayer for those who are alone, sick or just having a no-good, very bad, horrible, awful day. Please pray for them to feel the love of Christmas...

And do not just save this love for one day a year... Spread this love each day of your life.