Helping Us

I am almost done with the semester. I only have three more exams. Since Wednesday, I have studied pretty much nonstop for my exams, two of which are next Wednesday. The third final is on December 12th, two days before graduation.

In preparing for finals, I've been thinking about the saying, "God helps those who help themselves." I depend on God to help me through the exams, but don't I have to study?

I have heard this saying quite often and people have different opinions about it.

Does God help the homeless, who can't always help themselves?
Does God help the mentally ill, who are not always capable of helping themselves?

Does God help them?

I believe deeply that God helps everyone. And His healing touch looks different for each of us. What may look like healing to you may not be healing to me.

What do you think?

Moving To Greater

"God, whatever the greater life you are calling me into might look like, I'm in. Whether it's a big thing or a small thing You call me to do, I believe it will be a greater thing, because You're the One who is calling and You are greater than all things. Whether the greater life means leaving something behind or becoming more passionate about where I am, I've decided to follow You."
-Steven Furtick, Greater

I read this book last semester when I was going through my obstacles and I came across this prayer this morning.

I was thinking about my move to New Jersey in a couple weeks and I thought that this really is my prayer during that move. I am trusting God that moving is the right thing and that He will do greater things in my life. I am trusting that I will be able to find a job and do great things with my Masters degree. For those who don't know, I am planning on looking for jobs in NYC or the surrounding areas.

But no matter what challenges are coming my way, the most important thing is that I am following God and that He has a very important place in my life. He is the most important being in my life and apart from Him, I am nothing.

God is my everything, my Comforter, my Healer...

As I look back on my time in Florida, I see how God has helped me, healed me, transformed me, renewed me, comforted me and restored me. I had a lot of trouble in Florida due to my mental illnesses, but I am headed in the right direction.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is what I woke up to...

Yes, that's frost on my window....

In Florida...

And then I checked the weather online...

Um

..........

I guess I'm not thankful for the weather today. Except that I keep reminding myself that in a few weeks, I'm moving back to New Jersey and the frigid cold.

So I might want to get used to it again...

So anyways, what am I thankful for today?

Hmmm...

I am thankful for my family.

My uncle Frank, my aunt Joyce, me and my mom

Me and my brother Andy, nearly a year ago

I am thankful that I survived a fall of about 30 to 40 feet a few years ago. I am so grateful to still be alive and able to make a difference in the lives of many.

Me in the hospital after my fall.

I am thankful for Lake Alice and that it has helped me to heal and find God throughout my challenges during my time in Florida.

Lake Alice

I am thankful for the opportunity to get my Masters in Biomedical Engineering, so I can help others and make a difference in the lives of many.

Me working on cancer research in 2009

Most of all, I am thankful to God for making a difference in my life, healing me, restoring me, giving me new chances, and bringing me through difficult times. I am thankful for another day in my life.

The Right Diagnosis

Ughhh.... I just woke up from a nightmare in which I was very paranoid. I haven't been very paranoid in awhile so dreaming about it was not cool. I dreamt that people were talking behind my back, right in front of me. When I woke up, I literally was relieved.

I think I may know why I was paranoid in my dream. Yesterday, I went to my psychiatrist and they called into question my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. The doctor thinks I may have a serious case of bipolar I disorder, with psychosis. Since the doctor said that, I have been thinking about my paranoia. I think I may have bipolar I but the only thing that confuses me is this: People with bipolar I only have psychosis when manic and I haven't been manic for a long time and yet, I have been paranoid and psychotic at times. To me, that would suggest possible schizophrenia.

Either way, I am on my meds and that's not going to change since I function on them. A few people have said diagnoses are labels and that they don't define me. The most important thing is that I am responding to treatment and that's what matters.

I think I have a difficult time being diagnosed with something and just taking it for what it is sometimes. I want the diagnosis to be right. I want to have the correct diagnosis because it tends to give me comfort to know what I'm dealing with. For some odd reason, I don't like blindly just treating the symptoms.

I guess part of this has to do with community. Whenever I am given a diagnosis, I try to find people with the diagnosis and I feel better knowing others who are dealing with the disorders. I feel at home with people who share the same symptoms as I do.

The main reason I went off the meds two summers ago was that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and was told that I didn't need to take my meds anymore. And that's what caused this whole mayhem. You see, if the diagnosis is wrong, it messes up a lot of things.

I want to know what I'm dealing with, even if it's just a label. It's frustrating to no end being told I have a different diagnosis every few months. I WANT TO KNOW! I feel like I deserve to know what I'm dealing with so I can continue to move in the right direction.

Be Strong and Stand Firm

I dropped my iPhone last night while talking to my brother. I think I dropped it really hard because it broke. I quickly activated my old LG Android phone, which still works. I am extremely thankful for that phone because if I did not have it, I would have nothing to call my mom and brother. I talked with my mom last night, which was a huge blessing.

However, I may have lost some photos. I say "may have" because I'm going to a phone repair store today or tomorrow to see if they can fix my iPhone.

One of those photos was of something I came across at the lake that I was going to post today...

There is a place at the lake where you go through a wooded area and come out to a clearing in which there are benches. People like to write their names and stuff on the benches.

Here's a photo I found on my computer of the wooded area and the benches...

One such person wrote that this spot was their "quiet time" spot and they wrote the Bible verse "1 Corinthians 16:13." When I first read this, I was so excited because I realized I was not the only one who found the lake to be their "quiet time" with God.

Yesterday, I looked up this verse while coming across the photo with the verse on it on the way to a quiz.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong."

-1 Corinthians 16:13 (NIV)

I never met this person who wrote this verse on the bench, but as I read this verse last night, it was a great reminder for me to "be strong and courageous" as I face the last few weeks of graduate school. I am very thankful I came across it yesterday before my phone broke.

May it be a verse for you as well to remind you to stand firm and be strong.

Going Through the Storms

"He will only do as much for us as we will allow Him to do in us. The same power that saved us, washed us with His blood, filled us with the power of His Holy Spirit, and protected us through numerous temptations will work for us to meet every emergency, every crisis, every circumstance, and every adversary."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 25 Devotional

Do you believe that God can meet your needs? Do you believe that God is with you in every storm of life?

I have to admit that sometimes I feel separate from God; sometimes I feel that He's far away. But looking back on my life, I can see how He has been with me every step of the way. He has brought people into my life at the right moments. He has provided for my needs. He has continually given me the strength to keep going through every crisis, emergency and circumstance.

One of my favorite therapists has been with me through some of the worst storms. She has watched God work in my life and she told me a few times that I have been so successful because I let God work in my life. She said some people don't allow God to work in their lives. We need to allow Him to move through our lives, helping us to move forward through the storms.

I honestly cannot imagine life without my belief in God. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through the obstacles without Him by my side. He is my strength, my everything. He has helped me get this far and I am eternally grateful for that.

Used By God

"Each one of us is merely a small instrument. When you look at the inner workings of electrical things, often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive lined up. Until the current passes through them there will be no light. The wire is you and me. The current is God.
We have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, produce the light of the world. Or we can refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread."
-Mother Theresa

I love this quote because, first and foremost, I am an engineer. I work with wires, transducers, sensors, resistors and capacitors all the time. I create devices that help people. In college, I wrote a computer code and built a device that allows someone with paralysis to move their paralyzed limbs. I also spent two and a half years designing, building, and testing a shoulder simulator that allows people to study the mechanics of the shoulder.

As I move towards graduating with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I graduate. I want to be used by God to make a difference in the lives of others, specifically those with special needs.

I owe this all to a girl named Erica, who inspired me to become a biomedical engineer.

I met Erica when I was about 11 or 12 while my mother was working as a teacher's aid in a school for children with special needs. Erica could not speak, walk or eat by herself due to severe cerebral palsy. Yet she made a huge impact in my life. Before she passed away soon after I met her, I told her that she inspired me to help others like her. She was only on this earth for a little while, but the memory of her continues to inspire me to help others. I still can hear her laugh. She was so full of joy despite being so severely disabled. 

I will never forget asking my mom after working with her why she hit me on the back with her arm. My mom told me she was trying to hug me. Before she passed away, I helped her write a card to her mother that said "I love you," which was not an easy feat.

It is in her memory that I move forward and make a difference in the lives of many through biomedical engineering. It is in her memory that I am inspired to be used by God.