A Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testmony: Part 2

In case you missed it, here is the first part of Natalie's story...

Natalie Mohr is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

If you get a chance and are interested, please check out her short story. I had a chance to read it and it was so well-written and powerful. As I said yesterday, it is one of the most powerful short stories I have ever read. I cannot say enough about the story, so please check it out.

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A year before my last job attempt, I met my husband.  I tried teaching yet again, optimistically hoping I would be able to handle it with my new medications. During my first year of teaching and marriage, I got pregnant.  Medications during pregnancy are limited.  The same pattern of depression, triggered by stress reared its ugly head again.  I had to resign and went on short term disability.  It was during that time that my therapist, friends and family recommended that I apply for disability.  "No way," I thought. "How could I abandon my dreams?" But, I felt I couldn't continue to bear this pattern and now I had a new life on the way that would be dependent on me.  After much time, deliberation and prayer, I pursued it.  I was yet again at the point where I could not function. I didn't have the energy or desire to take a shower, fix myself food, or socialize with anyone.  Everyday tasks became overwhelming and felt impossible.

During my pregnancy, I was limited on medications I could take and again experienced irrational and suicidal thoughts.  Scary thoughts - like how I could manage to cut my baby out of my baby and save his life but end mine. Remembering that thought today sickens me. I experienced severe post partum depression. But, following the birth of my son, I decided it was in best interest of us both to bottle-feed and immediately restart  my medications. I managed to reemerge from the darkness within a couple of months. Eliminating the stress of a job enabled me to focus on being a mom.  I felt love on a level I had never imagined. When I looked into his big beautiful blue eyes, I saw a part of my soul staring back at me. I could no longer bear the thought of abandoning him through suicide. No matter how depressed I felt, he gave me a reason to keep on going.  I needed him as much as he needed me.  God had given us the gift of this little boy and he brought great joy into my life as I had never experienced it. I loved him with my whole being and would jump in front of a train to protect him. After a year of forms and appeals, I was able to get on Social Security Disability. It was an answer to prayers and God's way of financial provision. Even though I felt it was a way of giving up and "throwing in the towel," I later realized how much I needed it. It allowed me to focus my energy on being a Mom. It was by far the most challenging, yet rewarding job I had ever had. "God, is this Your purpose in my life?"

I wish I could say ". . . and we live happily ever after. The End." But, unfortunately, bi-polar disorder has no cure. My 13 year struggle with bi-polar disorder, anxiety and seasonal affective disorder has been a cyclical journey of ups and downs.  I have had many periods of joy and success, but the mental illness is still always there lurking in the shadows. At times, the depression has lead me to feel that my daily motherhood and household responsibilities were insurmountable.  I had to accept that my bi-polar symptoms are not shortcomings and are beyond my control. I had to own the responsibility of maintaining my mental health by taking proactive steps and making healthy choices.  I've had to alter my goals. It has been a challenge for me to understand that my illness does not define who I am.

Even in those dark moments, God has always found a way to let me know "I am not finished with you yet." Despite my failure to meet my expectations, I had a new sense of purpose and fulfillment.  At times, I felt that it made me understand the full meaning of true love between God and his son. 

Life was good until I got pregnant again. By then we were planning for it, I thought I had it all figured out.  Again, I had to discontinue my regular medication regimen but this time I was prepared with a list of medications I knew worked that were still approved for pregnancy. However, battling a raging hormonal imbalance on top of being put on bed rest at 18 weeks, I realized I still had no control over my mental illness. I became severely depressed. I was literally fighting an uphill battle to survive.

After the birth of my second son, I was anxious to return on my regular medication.  An unexpected change in health care providers with no advance notice sent me for a loop. I felt like I was balancing on a piece of dental floss. Thus began my mental healthcare nightmare.  I had to scramble in to see anyone who would take me, just to get refills on my prescription.  The only place that would take me at such short notice was a large mental healthcare facility. I had difficulty reaching anyone beyond an answering service and experienced unresponsiveness to my cries for help.

By this time, I was not sleeping and started having mania, something I had not experienced in years.  Lack of sleep is a trigger for instability. I knew I had to find someone to help me soon.  I found a psychiatrist that would take me in right away, but did not accept my insurance. The expense was a sacrifice I felt I had to make. He immediately took me off of one of the medications I had taken for seven years, insisting that it would send me into mania, even though it never had in the past.  As a result, I became severely depressed, had irrational thoughts, severe anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and became completely incapacitated. I would look into the eyes of the child that once gave me a sense of purpose and would feel nothing. The smile of my beautiful baby did not even lift my spirits. I was completely numb. I could not function. I felt an extreme sense of guilt for the amount of help I needed to take care of myself and my two children. The new medications began to give me horrible side effects. I lost 25 pounds within a few months and was constantly nauseous. I was always nervous.  I could not handle conflict or stress of any kind. I started getting migraines every week from the tension. At one point, I began to have auditory hallucinations, something I had never experienced.  My condition was worsening. All of this while trying to be a mother to a newborn and a 4 year old. Instead of taking me off of the ineffective medications, the doctor's approach was to add more drugs to try to counteract the side-effects.  I was taking around 11 pills at a time and felt like a complete zombie.  I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't react the way I used to. I had difficulty forming sentences.  I tried to play piano pieces I had been able to play for over 15 years and it was as if I had completely forgotten how to play at all. I realized that if it were not for the support system of my husband and family, I would have certainly killed myself. "God help me," I prayed.  Many of my church friends reached out to me by bringing me meals and sending me letters of encouragement. Despite the hell I was living in and the burden I felt I was, God used those times to show me that He was taking care of my needs and had placed all of these special people in my life for a reason. I was blessed by their willingness to understand and to help. It was during this dark time, that I began to write. It was an outlet of comfort through which I could express my emotions.

God answered my prayer for help through a friend's referral to a new psychiatrist. He immediately put me on my old medications and took the approach that "If it isn't broken, don't try to fix it." Additionally, he used state of the art diagnostic tools. He ordered a DNA test to find out how my body broke down the enzymes and metabolized certain medications.  It indicated that in some drugs, the typical doses were either too strong or not enough. He adjusted them accordingly and I made a complete turn-around.

I know my battle is ongoing and will never completely end. But, I remind myself that through all of these struggles and challenges, God has always been with me. Even when I cannot feel His presence, He is still there, guiding my path, watching over me and providing for my needs.  His purpose for my life isn't defined by a singular event or circumstances, but is constantly changing as I grow from new experiences and struggles. When I come out of dark times, it is easier to remember the pain, my mistakes and failures rather than the recovery. Sometimes it has taken others to show me the light and lead me out of the tunnel of depression. But, all I have to do is open my Bible to remind myself that God loves me and created me just as I am. It is full of countless stories of "epic failures" who, despite their circumstances, God used to  fulfill His purpose. I have learned not to be so hard on myself. I have learned to eliminate stressors and negative people from my life. I have learned that, as difficult as it is, I must make it a priority to take care of myself so that I can take care of my children.  When I drop my baby off at preschool, he sometimes cries. I tell him, "Don't cry. Mommy will be back. Mommy always comes back." My relationship with God has been similar. I cry, wondering if He has left me, if He will rescue me from my times of suffering. But, He always comes to get me in the end, a shining beacon in my darkness.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

— John 1:5 (NIV)

The Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testimony: Part 1

Today, I want to introduce my first guest blogger, Natalie Patterson Mohr.

Natalie Patterson Mohr grew up in Morristown, Tennessee. She received a B.A. at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and completed her graduate degree at Lincoln Memorial University. She is a mental health advocate, a former Spanish teacher and mother to two young boys. She currently lives in East Tennessee and enjoys pursuing her passions of writing, art, community involvement, music, and life-long learning.

Natalie is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

Please feel free to check out her writing. I can tell you from experience that it is one of the most powerfully moving and inspiring short stories I have read.

Without further ado, here is the first part of Natalie's testimony...

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I would like to share my story with you. I hope that my testimony brings comfort to others who are suffering with mental illness and encouragement in that, even though we go through times of great pain and suffering, God does not abandon us. You are not alone in your battle.

I grew up in a loving and supporting environment. Being an adopted only child, I was the center of my parents' world. I was raised in church and had a relationship with God from an early age. I graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class, was the national oratory champion for the Beta Club honors society and was successful in many ways. I always gave credit to God for my accomplishments. I went on to college to pursue my childhood dream of being a teacher.  I spoke fluent Spanish and also excelled in English. I graduated in Secondary Education Cum Laude with the highest g.p.a. in my major and held leadership positions in many campus organizations.

It was not until I reached the age of 21 that my bi-polar symptoms surfaced. I found teaching to be highly challenging and not what I expected.  I had an overcrowded classroom, a consuming amount of lesson plans and grading, classroom management issues and virtually no support from the administration. The stress level was overwhelming. I began to act out in ways that were outside of my character. I started seeking to fill my voids with constant stimulation and pleasure. I put myself in many dangerous situations and was even sexually assaulted by someone.  I didn't care what the risks or consequences where of getting my thrills. If I felt the urge to do something, I did it. I didn't think about if I didn't have the money for it or not. I used credit cards to get it anyway. Nothing was more important to me than what I wanted at the moment.  I completely skipped the process of reasoning and began to think irrationally.

At that point, I became severely depressed. Coming from a Christian home,  I did not understand why I was acting in ways against my values. The guilt and conviction I felt was unbearable.  I sought alcohol as a way to self-medicate. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what it was.  One night, I called my Mom and told her I was just acting stupid and was so depressed I was missing work too much because of the stress. She recommended I see a psychiatrist for help. I assumed I had depression, but was surprised when I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  My psychiatrist recommended that I immediately resign from my job because it was affecting my health and I was making dangerous choices.

My lifelong dream was crushed.  All of my life I had been successful and told by my parents, college professors and mentors the same message: "You will be successful at whatever you do. We expect great things from you in your future."  I had gone from an overachiever to an epic failure.

I found my way in other education related careers outside of teaching. I would have times where I felt fulfilled, successful and could hold a job for around two years. But every time the same pattern would occur. Despite my psychiatric care and medication, stress would trigger my mania and depression. Every job that I had, I ended up quitting.  The length of my jobs became shorter and shorter each time. I tried teaching again, thinking without the stresses I was undergoing in my previous attempt, it would be easier. I was wrong. The same pattern continued to emerge.  After a year and a half of teaching, I resigned for the same reasons as my first attempt.

One February night, I sat alone on my bed, looking at a bottle of sleeping pills through tear filled eyes.  "How had I become this person? Why couldn’t I just be who I wanted to be and who God wanted me to be?  I was a good girl." Yet, there I was.  A perpetual screw up.  “This pattern is never going to end,” I thought to myself.  “I’ve been seeing psychiatrists for 4 years and none of the medications have ever worked.  I’m never going to get better.  Why couldn't I just 'suck it up' and 'get it together?' I am not cut out for life.  I can’t function like a normal person in society.  I’m just a burden to my parents.  They are always having to give me money to bail me out of my problems.  All I do is bring them stress.  I’ve disappointed my parents, my friends, myself, and God.  I’m doing nothing good for Him so there is no purpose for me to even be here anymore.  I can’t stand this pain anymore, I just want to escape this pain.  God, my plan is to end it.  I’m taking this bottle of sleeping pills and if you don’t want me to die, then you better intervene somehow.”

I opened the bottle of prescription sleeping pills and swallowed one.  Then, I took two, then three, then 5 or 6 at a time until the whole bottle was gone.   I sat there for several seconds waiting for something to happen.  Would it hurt? Would it happen fast? Would I just fall asleep?  Within a minute, the phone rang.  I answered it and it was my mother.  “How are you doing Nat?  Dad and I were watching the football game and I just felt that I needed to give you a call.  Is everything ok?”  “No, it’s not Mom.  I just took a bottle of sleeping pills.  I’m just a big failure and a burden to everyone Mom. I’m sorry.”  I don't remember anything after that.

In a way, I was shocked that my Mom had a weird sixth sense to call just at the right moment  But, in a way, I wasn’t. Though I had never tested God's power, He had always been very real to me and I’d seen Him do “miracles” before.  I had felt his presence in the past and He had spoken to me many times through His word, people, and even situations. The message that I got from Him that night was "I am not finished with you yet." For whatever reason, however much of a failure I felt like I was, God still wanted to use me.  As I reflected on the events that happened, I saw that God had protected me from wrecking my life by protecting me from the many dangers and consequences I could have faced. Even in my sin and despair, He was still there. Even though I had stopped reaching out for Him, He did not abandon me.

Following this, I was hospitalized in the mental ward. After my release, I had to complete a month long outpatient program and begin therapy. This tragedy was a blessing in disguise. It brought me closer to God, realizing how much I needed Him, and I finally got a doctor who listened to me and put me on some effective medication.  From that point on, I didn't experience mania for years.  I went on to receive a Master's Degree. Through therapy, I learned  coping skills and how to identify triggers. But, the same pattern surfaced through every job I had. Overwhelming stress. . . . depression . . . complete incapacitation . . . resignation from my job. . .feelings of disappointment and complete failure. 

Please come back tomorrow to read the second part of Natalie's story...

Facing the Past

"You'll never know if you're on the right course for your life until you see the course that has brought you to where you are today."
-Jessica Brockmole, Letters From Skye

"I felt anchored to a place so dark and full of despair that it seemed nothing would ever change...[but] what is lost can often be found, restored, replaced, or recovered...Today I am grateful and appreciative of all that has happened in my life, including my childhood and my mother's drinking. They brought me to where I am today, and I like being here."
-Hope For Today (Alanon book), Jan. 5 Devotion

I've been reading a novel for the past few days called Letters from Skye. It is a romance novel about a young man who falls in love with a woman from Skye in the early 1910s. It just turns out that the woman is married to a man who is away at war. There is turmoil but also tremendous beauty in the story. Enough turmoil for a Jerry Springer show.

The romance story is juxtaposed to another story, taking pace in 1940, of the woman's daughter trying to find out about her past. Trying to find out about her father and where she came from. That is where the quote above comes in.

Sometimes we want to run away from our past. Sometimes we want to know all we can about our past. Because our past is a big part of who we have become. It does not define us but it is a part of us. Sometimes we need to know about the past in order to move forward.

Every so often, we hear about adopted children trying to find their birth parents. It is that great yearning to find out where we came from that helps us know who we are. Knowing about our past gives us closure on what could have been... no matter the turmoil.

I have often wondered about my past... wondering what I would be like if things had been different; if I hadn't been abused, neglected, or homeless, who would I be? Where would I be? Would I struggle with severe mental illnesses?

It is exactly in those questions that I learn that I am right where God wants me to be. Nothing more, nothing less. He has placed those challenges in my life to create a strength in me that I never knew I would ever have. He has given me a determination that has continually carried me through the challenges that have come my way. And for that, I am eternally thankful to God...

Hold Onto Faith

"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, and then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe. He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. That is when faith wins its crown."
-L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 4 Devotion

"I began to believe my life could amount to more than a string of painful days to be survived...I came to see that, with the help of my Higher Power, I could handle anything that came to pass and even grow as I did so."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 4 Devotion

For most of my life, I have felt like my life is just a string of horrible events. But I am coming to realize that there is more to the horrible things that have happened in my life... My life is more than the abuse, loss, homelessness, neglect and mental illnesses I have survived.

God can use even the most difficult things in our lives to show His grace and mercy.

I can tell you that from experience.

I've been dealing with minor paranoia for the past few days, the same paranoia that I dealt with for the past few months. It was gone for a few weeks, but it's back. I don't know if it's stress or what, but it is difficult to deal with. I believe people are talking about me. Even my nightmares are back with a vengeance.

I do not know why I am continually being tested but I will keep moving forward. I have therapy today, which I am really excited about because it is a huge step forward. Therapy is somewhere where I am allowed to talk about everything... Let it all out and move forward.

In many ways, I wish the paranoia would end, but I know that it is all part of God's plan. I don't know why but it is. And I will hold on to the promise of God that I will get through this. And the fact that I can handle anything that comes to pass in my lifetime.

I will hold on to my faith...

Smile a Little More

"I may never completely eliminate the effects of alcoholism on my life, but I can stop allowing them to affect me...Each minute, each hour, each day, I smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more. Each moment becomes the one I have always been waiting for. Each day becomes a precious collection of the many instances when I see myself as I truly am, a child of a loving Higher Power."
-Hope For Today (Alanon book), Jan. 3 Devotion

I do not know if the hurt of having alcoholics in my family will ever completely go away, but I continue to move forward each minute, each hour and each day, thanks to my relationship with God.

I guess I still have some anger but it is slowly fading away. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have faced unspeakable circumstances, but those circumstances don't have to rule my life. I am not those circumstances. Rather, I can use them as stepping stones on the path to a better day, to a life I never dreamed possible.

And that is because all of us are children of God. We all make mistakes. We all fall short of the glory of God. And yet He loves us deeply, in a way nobody in this world can. He loves us even despite our faults.

I've been talking to some other people about the new pope and everybody absolutely adores him. I have yet to come across someone who is against him.

Why?

Because he looks past the faults in others. Every time I hear about him in the news, he's welcoming someone else into the church. He's loving someone like Christ would love them.

I want to be like that. I want to "smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more." I want to keep moving forward...

Acceptance

"'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...' taught me I can't alter the past, neither what was done to me nor what I did to others. '...Courage to change the things I can...' instructed me to change my attitudes and resentments, my self-pity, and my fears. '...Wisdom to  know the difference' gave me hope that I could change for the better."
-Hope for Today (Alanon book), Jan. 2 Devotion

The Serenity Prayer is one of my favorite prayers of all time. It is said at AA, Alanon and Alateen meetings all over the country. It is said at churches as well.

Why?

Acceptance....

What is acceptance?

To me, it is knowing that you cannot change the past and that you have a choice to make about whether or not you want the past to rule over your life any longer. It is finding healing through God in the most dire of circumstances. It is moving forward, despite present or past challenges. It is about not letting the evils in this world get to you...

It is about changing the way you think about and respond to certain difficult situations.

I am learning this in my own life as I move forward despite the many challenges that have come my way. I have learned to accept the situations and the people around me in order to move forward. Yeah, the things in my life may have been crappy and some of the things in your life as well, but we have the choice to accept and move forward. We cannot change the past but we sure can change my present and future, through acceptance...

Full Speed Ahead

"Recovery is a process. It takes time to regain, reclaim, and recoup all that was lost while we tried on our own to cope...Building trust takes time, change takes time, healing old wounds takes time; there are no immediate, ready-made solutions...We all have dark times in our lives, but the journey to better times is often what makes us happier, stronger people. When we stop expecting instant relief, we may come to believe that where we are today is exactly where our Higher Power would have us be."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 1 Devotion

Some of you may have realized that I have started to read devotions every day, a few from Alanon and a few spiritual/religious. On top of my desk at home, I have 9 devotionals and most days I read each one. May seem crazy, but it is an awesome way to start the day.

Today is a new day, a new year and with it, a new adventure, a new chapter, a new set of challenges. The reason I like this quote is that last year was really tough for me and I often struggled with the fact that not everything went the way I expected or wanted. I wanted easy answers. I wanted everything to be the way I wanted it. But things ended up better than my wildest imagination.

But the truth is... I am exactly where my HP (Higher Power, for all ya non Alanon folks out there) wants me to be. In other words, I am exactly where God wants me.

I am on the road to more healing and more recovery and I know it takes time. But I am really excited about where I am headed and as always, nothing is impossible and nothing can stop me from moving forward with a vengeance.

Having a mental illness is not the end of the world or a death sentence. I see it as a tremendous opportunity to heal and to help others heal. It is something I had to come to terms with in 2013, and I am moving full speed ahead, no matter the challenges.

Today is a new day, a new year... May yours be blessed and may you be able to move forward in the right direction, knowing that you are exactly where God wants you to be.