Trusting God

“Faith always involves stepping out, letting go, risking something.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Today was my official last day at my job that I’ve held for the past two and a half months. I wasn’t fired. It was just a summer job that I knew would end at the end of the summer.

When I first got the job, it took a lot of faith to actually take it. To get up each morning and go to work was seemingly out of the picture at the time. As many of you know, last semester was full of hospitalizations for me.

Four hospitalizations to be exact.

When I applied for this job, I really felt God calling me to do it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but I knew He was calling me to do it. You know how sometimes you just know. It was the first and only job I applied to and interviewed for. When I received the news that I got the job on the same day I interviewed, I was ecstatic.

And scared.

At the time I got the job, I had only been out of the hospital for nearly two months. I had no idea what would happen if I took the job. I was terrified that I would lose it if I went to the hospital again. I was afraid I’d mess up somehow. I didn’t know how my boss would react to a hospitalization.

I was terrified actually.

I flat out was not sure if I could handle a job in the state I was in, still being paranoid and having many flashbacks a day.

But I trusted God.

I knew He was calling me to work. I knew He was calling me to trust Him and that things would get better. It took a lot to trust Him, but I did.

It’s been over 4 months without a hospitalization. I’ve had a lot of stressful events but I didn’t give up. I kept getting up every morning and forced myself to go to work, whether or not I felt like it. Working a part time job was perfect because I got some time to myself to focus on healing.

Working this summer has also given me a lot of confidence in myself. I know I’m ready to handle school again.

Sometimes following what God has called you to do is difficult and scary. He often asks you to trust Him with unknown circumstances.

However, when you do what God wants you to do, great things can happen.

Barely Breathing

I had an absolutely terrifying nightmare last night. I woke up and could barely breathe. It took me a few minutes to come back to reality. It also took me about an hour and a half to fall back asleep. I was terrified to go back to sleep but I knew I had to in order to be able to work today.

It was nighttime. I was in my bed in the bedroom I grew up in, the room in which I was abused for many years. In the room, there were three windows facing the front lawn. My father was outside trying to get inside the house so he could kill me. I watched as my mother went around the house making sure all the doors and windows were locked, but I still felt like he was going to get inside. There was still some way he could get in. I was not safe at all. At one point, he even went up to the three windows in my bedroom to look inside to see if I was in my room. When he did, I was so scared. Petrified. I was curled up in a ball in my bed, trying not to be seen.

What was so scary about the dream was how realistic it was. My home looked the way it did when I grew up. It wasn’t "off" at all. You know how in some dreams, you can tell it’s a dream even while you're dreaming. This nightmare wasn’t like that. 

It was real.

I’ve had nightmares of my father for as long as I can remember. It’s part of having PTSD. A few years ago, I had them so often that I hated sleeping.

I live with PTSD because I have lived a very traumatic life, one in which my life was often threatened by my father. My PTSD affects every part of my life, even sleep.

But I am moving forward. 

When I woke up from my nightmare, I kept telling myself that I was safe, that my father was not going to get me, and that I was far away from him. I also talked to my mother for a little bit last night after I woke up.

Recovering from trauma is difficult, but not impossible.

Don't Waste It

"This moment, right now, is all God has given us. He may give us tomorrow, or another decade, or another fifty years. But he hasn’t yet. All he has given us is this present moment. All he asks of us is this moment. It’s all we have to give him. It’s all we can ever give him.

So embrace it. Accept it. Don’t waste it."

-Steven James, Becoming Real

This morning as I write this blog post, this quote really spoke to me.

I had a very hard and emotional day yesterday. I found out some very difficult news. Reading this quote reminded me to make the most of the present time, no matter how challenging it gets.

One of the most difficult things to do while having PTSD is to stay in the present moment. Every so often, I am taken back to the past. I am absorbed in traumatic experiences I went through as a child.

It's also just not that easy to embrace each moment. Hard things happen to us all the time and we are not always ready to embrace life.

But how true is the quote above?

God really has given us this moment to cherish, no matter how difficult, no matter how painful. He has given us life and we are called to make the most of it.

Though it may not always feel like it, this life is a precious gift.

Don't waste it.

Flick of a Lightswitch

“Life is like a vapor. We hold it in our hands, and it curls through our fingers, and before we know it, it’s gone.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Have you ever thought about the brevity of your life? About how our lives mark only an instant in the universe? About your meaning in this world?

I have.

I’ve thought a lot about making the most out of my life. Especially since I came so close to losing it a few years ago. I want to give meaning to the life that God has given me, no matter how hard this life has been.

Our lives are precious. Here and gone like the flick of a lightswitch.

You and I could die at any moment. Our life just a memory.

What do you do to make your life meaningful?

Think about it.

This life is an awesome gift God has given us, with its struggles and pain and joy and happiness. I believe that this life is to be cherished. Our lives become whole when we find meaning amidst the chaos of this place we call earth.

And that’s not always easy to find meaning. No way am I saying it’s easy.

There are days when I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Those are usually days when my mental illnesses have the best of me.

But then there are days when I want to make a real difference in the lives of others. There are days when, as my mother said to me in my last hospitalization, I “get up and meet the day.” There are days when I find my meaning and purpose in life.

Finding my meaning in life is what keeps me going when I feel like I can’t go any longer. It’s what brings joy and peace into my chaotic life.

Our days are short here on earth, so let us make the most of our lives.

Immerse Yourself

I just got home from swimming in the pool. There is something so freeing about swimming. You feel lighter, your movements are slowed and graceful. My mother was told after her knee surgery last year to go swimming because it's light on the joints. It helps her knee to heal.

To swim, you need to immerse yourself in water. To be free and whole, you need to immerse yourself in God, everything that He is.

"We can tell him about our hurts and our questions and our wounds and our dreams and our deepest and most intimate secrets. He will listen. He will care. He will come to where you are."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

If you're like me, sometimes it's hard to trust God. This whole freedom in Christ thing is not easy. Whether it's our future career, our relationships, our families, or our future in general, trusting God with it all is very difficult.

When I was in and out of hospitals earlier this year, I never thought it would end. I didn't fully trust that things would get better. I wanted them to but I wasn't sure if they ever would. I thought I was caught in a tidal wave of endless hospitalizations.

As I've shared in another post, this past Saturday marked 4 months since my last hospitalization. This is by far the longest I've gone without a hospital visit since my move to Florida last August. 

Things really are getting better and looking up. I truly am finding freedom.

Sometimes it takes a lot to trust God and to open up to Him, but I can honestly say that God never leaves us or abandons us, no matter how far away we go from Him or how far we seem to be. He is always there, cheering us on.

I am reminded of a saying "F.R.O.G", which stands for Fully Rely On God, that I learned as a child in Vacation Bible School. There is so much truth in that little saying.

We can tell God anything. Anything that we're dealing with. Anything that haunts us. Anything that we are scared to tell another person. ANYTHING. And we can trust Him.

We can trust Him not to make fun of us or avoid us or give us the cold shoulder. We can trust Him not to spread rumors about us. 

God doesn't do that.

He never disappoints.

Walking Along the Path

Something I've been doing to deal with my mental illnesses is walk outside either at the lake or a pond near my home. Walking helps me to talk with God. I put on some music and calm down. Walking also helps me to center myself on my healing journey.

A few months ago, a friend told me about an app called Charity Miles. This app allows me to raise money for various charities as I walk. The app donates money to different charities for every mile you walk, run or bike. I think it is one of the most amazing things I have ever come across because by doing something as simple as walking, I can help so many who are less fortunate than I am.

To date, I have walked nearly 580 miles in the past few months.

Through just walking, I have raised:

* $17.08 for Parkinson's research

*$60.41 for cancer research

*enough money to feed 254 people

*enough money to provide 5 children with new shoes

*enough for 45 pieces of lumber for Habitat for Humanity

*enough to provide 11 people with antiretroviral pills

*enough to provide 3 people with a new pair of glasses

*enough to educate a child for 1, 787.84 minutes
*walked 13.1 miles to raise money for veterans
*walked 7.5 miles to help provide bed nets to protect people from malaria

Please check out the app and start making a difference!

Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.