Flick of a Lightswitch

“Life is like a vapor. We hold it in our hands, and it curls through our fingers, and before we know it, it’s gone.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Have you ever thought about the brevity of your life? About how our lives mark only an instant in the universe? About your meaning in this world?

I have.

I’ve thought a lot about making the most out of my life. Especially since I came so close to losing it a few years ago. I want to give meaning to the life that God has given me, no matter how hard this life has been.

Our lives are precious. Here and gone like the flick of a lightswitch.

You and I could die at any moment. Our life just a memory.

What do you do to make your life meaningful?

Think about it.

This life is an awesome gift God has given us, with its struggles and pain and joy and happiness. I believe that this life is to be cherished. Our lives become whole when we find meaning amidst the chaos of this place we call earth.

And that’s not always easy to find meaning. No way am I saying it’s easy.

There are days when I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Those are usually days when my mental illnesses have the best of me.

But then there are days when I want to make a real difference in the lives of others. There are days when, as my mother said to me in my last hospitalization, I “get up and meet the day.” There are days when I find my meaning and purpose in life.

Finding my meaning in life is what keeps me going when I feel like I can’t go any longer. It’s what brings joy and peace into my chaotic life.

Our days are short here on earth, so let us make the most of our lives.

Immerse Yourself

I just got home from swimming in the pool. There is something so freeing about swimming. You feel lighter, your movements are slowed and graceful. My mother was told after her knee surgery last year to go swimming because it's light on the joints. It helps her knee to heal.

To swim, you need to immerse yourself in water. To be free and whole, you need to immerse yourself in God, everything that He is.

"We can tell him about our hurts and our questions and our wounds and our dreams and our deepest and most intimate secrets. He will listen. He will care. He will come to where you are."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

If you're like me, sometimes it's hard to trust God. This whole freedom in Christ thing is not easy. Whether it's our future career, our relationships, our families, or our future in general, trusting God with it all is very difficult.

When I was in and out of hospitals earlier this year, I never thought it would end. I didn't fully trust that things would get better. I wanted them to but I wasn't sure if they ever would. I thought I was caught in a tidal wave of endless hospitalizations.

As I've shared in another post, this past Saturday marked 4 months since my last hospitalization. This is by far the longest I've gone without a hospital visit since my move to Florida last August. 

Things really are getting better and looking up. I truly am finding freedom.

Sometimes it takes a lot to trust God and to open up to Him, but I can honestly say that God never leaves us or abandons us, no matter how far away we go from Him or how far we seem to be. He is always there, cheering us on.

I am reminded of a saying "F.R.O.G", which stands for Fully Rely On God, that I learned as a child in Vacation Bible School. There is so much truth in that little saying.

We can tell God anything. Anything that we're dealing with. Anything that haunts us. Anything that we are scared to tell another person. ANYTHING. And we can trust Him.

We can trust Him not to make fun of us or avoid us or give us the cold shoulder. We can trust Him not to spread rumors about us. 

God doesn't do that.

He never disappoints.

Walking Along the Path

Something I've been doing to deal with my mental illnesses is walk outside either at the lake or a pond near my home. Walking helps me to talk with God. I put on some music and calm down. Walking also helps me to center myself on my healing journey.

A few months ago, a friend told me about an app called Charity Miles. This app allows me to raise money for various charities as I walk. The app donates money to different charities for every mile you walk, run or bike. I think it is one of the most amazing things I have ever come across because by doing something as simple as walking, I can help so many who are less fortunate than I am.

To date, I have walked nearly 580 miles in the past few months.

Through just walking, I have raised:

* $17.08 for Parkinson's research

*$60.41 for cancer research

*enough money to feed 254 people

*enough money to provide 5 children with new shoes

*enough for 45 pieces of lumber for Habitat for Humanity

*enough to provide 11 people with antiretroviral pills

*enough to provide 3 people with a new pair of glasses

*enough to educate a child for 1, 787.84 minutes
*walked 13.1 miles to raise money for veterans
*walked 7.5 miles to help provide bed nets to protect people from malaria

Please check out the app and start making a difference!

Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.

Overwhelming Flood

Today is a great day.

Why, you ask?

Well today marks four months since my last hospitalization. That’s a third of the year! One of my main goals with dealing with my mental illnesses is to stay out of the hospital. It has not been easy, especially with my paranoia and psychosis acting up.

But I did it!

Today has also been challenging. I woke up and realized that I ran out of lithium. I have a refill at one pharmacy, but that pharmacy is closed today. I have been on the phone with a doctor for a bit trying to get them to call in the refill to another pharmacy that's open. I NEED my medication.

Good grief!

I believe I am moving forward in a positive direction. Staying out of the hospital takes sheer determination.

And therapy.

“In therapy, before we could begin to deal with the lasting neuropsychological effects of the trauma [my patient] endured, we needed to address her mind’s subsequent conversion of an ordinary truck driver into a shadowy figure who was scheming and evil.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

One of the things I addressed in my last blog post is the belief that people are generally good.

Paranoia blocks that belief. It questions it to the core.

The negative thoughts just come. They permeate my mind like an overwhelming flood.

When I’m paranoid, I think everybody is out to get me. I think that nobody cares about me. I believe I'm the worst person on earth.

I think part of it is that I struggle with trust issues due to my past. When I told someone about some of the abuse I endured, they said to me, “I hope you can come to realize that most people you meet in life will treat you better than that.”

That’s difficult for me to believe sometimes.

I want to believe it with all of my heart, soul and mind.

But I was abused and mistreated by the people who should have cared about me the most. They should have protected me, but they didn’t.

It’s really hard to fully trust someone.

Nearly impossible.

I always have my suspicions about people. 

Maybe they’re only caring about me because they want something. 

Maybe they’re only caring because it’s part of their job. 

Maybe I really am worthless and only deserve to be used.

That’s often my train of thought. And I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could see that I am worth it.

I want to believe it.

But when you’re mistreated for many years, it starts to get to you and you stop believing that people have your best interests at heart. I wish people understood that I want to trust them, but it’s just not that easy.

I want to trust.

I really do.

It takes all of me to trust.

But I'm willing to do anything to get rid of these trust issues.

Conscience

“Conscience is a compelling feeling of obligation that is always based in our proclivity to bond with others, our (nearly) universal ability to love. Once we understand the true nature of conscience, we can appreciate that it is precisely our capacity to form emotional attachments that gives rise to moral character.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

Reading this quote, I find it interesting that one of the first things that is affected by my paranoia is my conscience. The voices that I hear when I’m psychotic tell me I’m an awful person,  that I don’t deserve to live, etc. It doesn't help that the voices I hear are those of people I've known.

It’s like my conscience is on overdrive.

In one of my hospitalizations, I walked around to all the other patients and told them I was sorry for hurting them. I remember one woman telling me, "But you helped me."

After awhile, I tend to believe the voices though. Maybe I am a bad person.

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking on the phone and she kept reminding me that I’m a good person. She also reminded me that others are generally good people, and they would not be spreading rumors or trying to make my paranoia worse.

I genuinely care about others. I believe we are put on this earth to help others along our path.

It bothers me that people are homeless when there are so many vacant homes. It bothers me that I have enough food to eat when others are starving. It bothers me that I have shoes to wear and others are walking around without shoes. It bothers me that I am free and there are millions of slaves around the world.

I want to do something to help. That’s why I’ve walked nearly 600 miles this summer for different charities. That's why I donated my hair to cancer patients. That's why I've donated blood four times this year and I'm going to try again tomorrow.

I want to be the change I wish to see. I want to make a real difference.

I want to spread love.

I may have gone through a lot of obstacles in my life, but I am very fortunate. I want to help others because I feel so blessed. A pastor said to me when I was younger, “You’re going to be a lover of people.”

I want to testify to the love that we can find in God, the love that I’ve found in Him. The love that carries me through difficult times. The love that knows no bounds. Endless love. The love that gives life meaning.

Journey Through Trauma

I’m sitting here reading a book about paranoia and terrorism. I wanted to share a quote from the book that really struck me.

“At this point [after 9/11], for many Americans, a fire alarm in a public place… can access “stuck” memories established in a time of great fear, in a way similar to what the backfiring of a car, or holiday fireworks… can do to the brain of a shell-shocked veteran…We feel and behave in ways that are somewhat more anxious and suspicious than our usual reactions… To varying degrees, the emotional systems of our brains were overwhelmed, and our minds became more cluttered than we knew with unprocessed fragments of emotion, image and fear-laden sensation. These chaotic shards of memory soon started to be triggered , and to ambush us at unpredictable times, altering our feelings, our moods, and our behaviors.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This is one of the best explanations of flashbacks that I have come across.

I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks since I was 13 years old, possibly earlier. I bought this book because I thought it might be interesting to learn more about paranoia, since I’ve been dealing with it for a few months.

Traumatic experiences alter our behaviors. They cause us to become anxious. My experiences have caused me to be paranoid.

When I was abused for 7 years, I was overwhelmed with fear and terror. That’s why I have 10-20 flashbacks a day.

Martha Stout talked earlier in the book about the fact that people have flashbacks because of unprocessed memories. I think that’s why I’m still dealing with complex PTSD. Many years later, I still haven’t been able to fully process my memories of the abuse. It's too confusing. Broken pieces.

I often wish my paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks and nightmares would just go away. Just like that. A wave of a wand and woosh! Everything goes away.

But life is not that easy.

It’s a journey.

And journeys mean that we have some ups and downs. All stories have to have conflict, or else it’s not a story. And some of us have more conflict than others. That’s just life.

No matter how much conflict you encounter in your life, you can always have hope because we have a God who loves us very deeply.

When I was abused for many years, I often thought that God was not listening to my prayers. I often felt desperate and unheard.  But God listens. My pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago something that really helped me. She said “God journeys with us in the seeming answered and seeming unanswered prayers.”

No matter what, we are not on this journey alone.