Songs in the Night

"The strength of a ship is only fully demonstrated when it faces a hurricane, and the power of the gospel can only be fully exhibited when a Christian is subjected to some fiery trial. We must understand that for God to give 'songs in the night,' He must first make it night."
-Nathaniel William Taylor, Streams in the Desert, June 7 reading

Last night, there was a tropical storm here in Florida. There were high winds and pouring rain for a few hours, all of which was predicted.

But sometimes our storms in our lives are unpredictable. Sometimes they just come. But we know that in this life, there will be storms. And I think part of this passage from today's reading answers the question of why we have storms.

The storms in our lives are an opportunity for God to show us the strength that He can give us.

This life wasn't meant to be all easy and good. I believe that through our trials, we become closer and closer to God. It is through the trials that we become molded into who He wants us to be.

And this is frustrating sometimes. Downright frustrating. In no way am I saying it's easy. Trust me.

I can't tell you how many times I have been frustrated at God for all of the stuff I was put through and continue to go through. But I know that God gives us the strength we need to get through. We have to rely fully on Him though.

I think a lot of difficult things either turn people away from God or the trials bring people closer to God. I've experienced both. I've had moments when I was so frustrated and angry at God that I wanted nothing to do with Him, but He brought me back to Himself. I realized that the strength I had to get through the storms came from Him.

I like how this passage says that in order for us to experience the good times in our darkness or the good things that can come out of dark times in our lives, God must make it night. He must bring us through those dark times. This can be difficult to digest in some ways, because we think of God as all good. Now why would He allow such darkness into our lives?

Did I have to be abused, neglected and homeless? Did I have to lose my brother to suicide? Did I have to be diagnosed with PTSD and schizoaffective disorder? Why did I have to go through all of that and why am I still dealing with everything?

My answer to those questions is that I have overcome so much and through overcoming the darkness, God has given me a beautiful "song in the night" to express what He has done in my life. I have a great opportunity to bless others with my testimony to His goodness and grace. He has given me a chance to help others through what I've been through in a way that I never could have without going through those trials.

Through the storms, we realize who God is and then we have an opportunity to share that with those around us. We have a chance to spread hope, peace, joy and love.

Clean Break for the Positive

I was watching an episode from Duck Dynasty a few days ago. I haven't really watched any TV since last August, but I have wanted to start watching some new shows. I have to say that there are some pretty interesting shows on TV.

Anyways, one of the characters of Duck Dynasty said something that really resonated with me. I was not expecting this amidst all the jokes of the show. I really was not expecting anything deep. But it was deep.

Part of the show, Kay is selling stuff in the front of the family home, attempting to get rid of the old and bring a new beginning into her home. At the end of the show, someone said (I don't know the characters well enough to know which one):

"People are nature's number one creature. We tend to hold to get comfortable, stuck in our ways and we fear change. We like to hold onto old things in order to hold onto old memories when usually it keeps us from making new ones. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and make a clean break from the past to start a fresh beginning."

Again, I was not expecting anything deep, but I think this resonates with me because I am trying to start a fresh beginning in my life. I am trying to replace all the negativity of my past with positivity for the future. As painful as it is to admit, I've gotten used to things being difficult. I've gotten used to being hurt. I've gotten used to things being out of control in a lot of ways.

But God doesn't intend for us to get used to pain and misery. Yes, it is a part of life that we all have to go through, but it's only a part not the whole. The problem begins when pain becomes the only part of life we see and experience.

I love that he says we gotta bite the bullet and move forward into a new beginning. That is the phase of my life that I am currently going through. I am trying to make a clean break for the future that God has in store.

I fear change, though. In many ways, I feel much more comfortable in difficult circumstances and situations than easy ones. If things aren't difficult, I get anxious and feel weird. If things are going well, most often I feel like things are too good to be true. It feels awkward. To me, things aren't supposed to be good. They've always been insanely difficult.

But that's not how life is supposed to be.

I'm not saying things are always going to be peachy keen and hunky dory but we also are supposed to live in the light, hope, peace, joy and love of God.

As I move forward, I am trying to make the past what it really is: the past. It is gone, over and done with. It really is history. And now I am attempting to create positive memories instead of the constant negative memories I relive through my PTSD.

The lyrics of History by Matthew West, one of my favorite songs which I was just reminded of, says:

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

Let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history

The Steering Wheel

I spent most of yesterday at a friend’s home. Last night, we watched a movie, Safe Haven, in which a woman is being followed by her husband who is after her. He wants to kill her and he has a history of being extremely abusive.

There were some scenes in the movie that were difficult to watch, but there is one scene in particular that was very empowering and made it worth watching a difficult movie. Since I had read the book by Nicholas Sparks, I knew the ending already, which helped significantly.

Without giving too much away, there was a scene in the movie in which the woman stands up to her abusive husband. She basically says “Enough is enough” and stands her ground.  She stands up for herself and stops running from him. She stops running from her greatest fear. I think one of the most significant things she says to him was “You hurt me.” Simple yet profound . She calls out the abuse for what it is. She is no longer controlled by him. She sees him for what he truly is and she’s angry.

The reason I love this scene is because that’s where I think I am in my own life. I’m standing up for myself after years of abuse. I’m saying enough is enough and I’m angry. I’m gaining back my voice after years of not being heard. I’m taking back the control.

I wanted to yell at the TV, “You go girl!” I wanted to fight alongside her. In her husband, I saw all the people who have hurt me and abused me.  I saw all the fears and everything I’ve been running from. I saw myself fighting and taking back control.

It is incredibly empowering when you call abuse for what it is. Growing up in it, I thought it was normal but around age 13, I realized it wasn’t normal. It’s taken a very long time to work on recovering from it. I’m still in the process. I currently am going through trauma therapy and it’s not easy. I am learning to call it what it is. I am learning how to be heard and how to fight for my life again. It’s a huge piece in taking back control of my life.

Taking back control is sometimes a huge leap forward in recovering. It’s about getting rid of the victim mentality and realizing that even though we can’t control the past or change it, we can move forward in a positive direction.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs, You Gotta Be by Des'ree. I listened this for many years and it gave me a lot of strength to get through some really difficult stuff.

The chorus is as follows:

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser

You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together

All I know, all I know

Love will save the day.

Run Forrest Run

For some reason I was reminded of a scene in the movie Forrest Gump and I cannot get it out of my head. The scene occurs where his friend tells Forrest to run with his braces on and he runs. She yells "Run, Forrest. Run." He continues to run, with his braces falling off. He does the seemingly impossible. I tried to find the scene on Youtube but due to copyright infringement, I couldn't find a video. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Who hasn't seen it? It's a classic.

My mom sent me some stuff a few weeks ago, including a devotional called Streams In The Desert by L. B. Cowman. I wanted to share something from today's reading.

"There may be a great work occurring in your life when things seem their darkest. You may see no evidence yet, but God is at work."
-L. B. Cowman

As I look back in the past few months, I know that God has been at work. The past few months have been some of the most difficult months in my life. I felt like nobody believed my symptoms. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood. I was frustrated. I couldn't see how I would get through or that everything would get better. I saw no clear path to the future. Many people did not know how to help me.

I do believe that God works miracles in the darkest times in our lives.

I am grateful for the miracles that God has performed in my life and that He has strengthened me through the storms.

I want to share another quote from the devotional reading yesterday.

"Gently rebuking His disciples, Christ asked, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?' (v. 40). In effect, He was saying 'Why didn't you face the storm victoriously and shout to the raging winds and rolling waves, 'You cannot harm us, for Christ, the mighty Savior, is on board'?"
-L.B. Cowman

That's the kind of faith that I want and that I feel we are called to live. The type of faith that is so confident in the midst of storms, knowing that God is at work and that He has us in the palm of His hands. The type of faith that no matter what happens, we can say that Christ is in our lives. The type of faith that is not shaken by the storms of life.

I want to live out that kind of faith. A faith that yells at the storms, the challenges and the raging winds, saying that I will continue to run this race that God has put before me.

I want to run like Forrest.

Working It All Together

To be completely honest, I don't even know where to begin this blog post. God's goodness, grace and mercy is very overwhelming for me.

For the past few months, I have had to overcome many hurdles to get ready for my last semester of graduate school. Due to my hospitalizations and inability to complete all of the PhD work necessary, I lost my fellowship. A huge hurdle.

I have taken the past month or so off so that I could take care of myself and get better. It's been almost two months since my last hospitalization, so I feel stable enough now to take care of things.

For the past few months, I have been praying to God, trusting in Him and believing that a miracle would come along regarding my financial aid situation.

And this past week, my prayers have been answered in a huge way.

At first last week, I got bad news. I found out that one of the four courses I was supposed to take was cancelled for the Fall semester. Another huge hurdle. I was frustrated because that would mean I had to find enough financial aid for two semesters since I would have to stick around in the Spring just for one course.

However, I received an email saying that I could substitute the course with another course so I could finish in the Fall. Miracle number one.

Last Friday, I got news that I was offered a new job. It was the first job I applied to and to be honest, I was shocked. My interview was a few minutes long and I did not tell the interviewer about any of my struggles. This job is exactly what I have been praying for.  Miracle number two.

This morning, I got news that I received almost enough financial aid for the semester. It was by far more than I thought I would receive. Miracle number three.

You wanna know the craziest thing?

The amount I will be paid for my new job is the same amount that I need to have just enough for next semester. With all of my money I have saved, the financial aid and the money from my new job, I will have just enough for next semester.

Now only God could pull this off. It all is coming together in ways I never could have expected.

God truly works miracles and I am so overwhelmed today. He kept telling me to trust Him. I looked back on all of the times that I've worried about financial aid and it's come through. I trusted God to do the same this time and He has answered my prayers in a big way.

It's not easy to trust God. Every time I caught myself worrying about everything, I kept telling myself "Trust God. He's got this. Don't worry."

No matter what you're going through, trust God. Trust that He will shine through in your life and that He will help you through the difficult times. You never know how much of His goodness will come into your life.

As I was writing this blog post, I thought about the song Blessings by Laura Story. At the end of the chorus, she sings "What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise." I came across the video I am posting below that is her story behind the song. I love how she says that maybe God blesses us through not giving us what we want or allowing us to go through hard times. Sometimes the hard times are exactly what we need to get through to see how truly blessed we are in this life. Sometimes trials in our lives can have hidden blessings within them.

As Grace Flows Down...

At church this morning, we sang a few songs that really spoke to me. I thought deeply about the lyrics and they really touched me in a way that I know only God can speak to me.

A verse of one of the songs, Desert Song, goes like this.

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

I had no choice but to raise my hands up high to God, to worship Him as I sang this song, because I know that God is there during every season of our lives. Even when we may not feel it, we have a reason to worship and sing. I have felt God even in the worst moments in my life. Part of trusting God is believing that He's there even when we feel abandoned or lonely. Because the truth is we are never alone. Even when the storms are raging in our lives, we can trust Him. Sometimes it's hard for me because I feel alone and as if nobody can relate to what I've gone through but I am always reminded that God understands. And that is more than enough for me.

Even in the chaos, God is still God. God will always be God.

We all go through tough times in our lives, seasons where we don't know what's going on. Since I suffered a head concussion at the end of last year, I've had nonstop medical issues. Including the hospitalization in October, I have had 5 hospitalizations totalling up to about 2 months in the hospital. It was frustrating. Downright difficult. Hard stuff. But God truly never abandoned me and He is showing His goodness, mercy and grace in my life. And I am very grateful for that.

Another song that we sang was All Who Are Thirsty, in which the verse says:

Let the pain and the sorrow

Be washed away

In the waves of his mercy

As deep cries out to deep

During the early few months of this year, I thought my disorders would never get better. To tell you the truth, I was terrified that I would end up in a state mental institution since I was hospitalized so much. Either that or the endless hospitalizations would never end. The pain and the loneliness I felt were tremendous, but I never gave up. And these lyrics meant a lot to me because deep down, I feel all the bad stuff being slowly washed away. I feel as if I am finally going to be able to move forward with my life.

Having PTSD, I feel like you know that you're getting better when you don't think about the past as much. The memories and flashbacks become less intrusive. For the past few days, they've been getting better. I'm not having as many flashbacks and memories. They're still there but things are getting better.

Part of the sermon this morning was about trusting God to do more than you ever could imagine. As I go through this healing process, I have had to trust God in so many ways, and He is answering my prayers and truly healing me in ways that I never could imagine. It's not easy to trust. I have a lot of trouble with trusting, but I look back throughout my life and see how God has helped me through the seemingly impossible. I have no choice but to trust.

God's mercy is so overwhelming. It is unbelievably good.

When His grace flows down, it is a miraculous thing...

Learning to Dance

I had another wonderful day and this blog post probably will be pretty short. But I am growing in ways I never could have imagined. Slowly but surely, I am piecing my life together again. Baby steps. I hung out with a friend, her husband and their 4-year old daughter for most of the day. They truly are a wonderful family and I love their daughter so much. She had me laughing nearly nonstop and I truly had a blast.

I wanted to share something that they had up in their home because it is something that so much of us need to learn during the hard times of life.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. 

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Sometimes we can get so focused on the past or even our momentary struggles instead of looking forward to the wonderful plans that God has for us. The trust issues come in with God when we have to put our full trust in our futures we have in God. That even though our life looks stormy and it seems the struggles will never end, they will end eventually. Believing that God really and truly has wonderful plans for us.

Dancing in the rain, rejoicing in the midst of hardship and moving forward despite countless obstacles is what determines what we are made of. And as I move forward in my life, I am grateful to have such good friends. I have had friends from all walks of life reach out to me in the past few months and help me through my hard times. I am still picking up the pieces and struggling in some ways but I have come a very long way.

I appreciate the beauty of children so much and I have worked with children for most of my life. I was reminded today of how they are such a reminder of innocence and happiness and BOUNDLESS energy (don't let me get started!). They are a reminder that this life we have is precious and we need to enjoy it while we can.

Sometimes we need to be a kid at heart and continually be resilient, not letting the negative drag us down. Some days are harder than others (trust me), but that does not mean that we need to take steps backward every time we have a bad day. We need to praise God even in the storms and continually move forward.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. God is answering your prayers and I have more than enough to be thankful for.

Together through the storms, we will not be shaken...