Update

Yesterday was October 25, 2019, ten years after my most serious suicide attempt. I am lucky to be alive. Life has been challenging since then, especially when I was in the state mental institution for 2 years. I am moving forward in God's grace.

I try my best to surround myself with good people. I currently go to a partial care program that includes music therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Dialectical Behavior therapy, goal setting, journaling and other groups that I chose. I've made quite a few friends at program.

I love DBT and CBT because they teach me necessary skills to succeed in life. Currently, in DBT we are going over the Observe, Describe and Participate skills, which are kind of self-explanatory.

I love mindfulness and meditation. I participate in at least 1 meditation a day on my Insight Timer application on my phone. I am going to a Meditation class at the Science of Spirituality Meditation Center early today. I also attend Alanon Family Group meetings online or over the phone.

Last night's meeting was on Let Go and Let God. It is so difficult not being able to control the alcoholic or recovering alcoholic but we need to leave it in God's hands. God is ultimately in control and can help the alcoholic in ways that we can't imagine. It's hard to let go and let God if we want to control things.

Near-Death Experiences

I went to a meditation class a few days ago and the man presenting talked about near-death experiences. I quickly exclaimed "Yeah, I've had those."

My first near-death experience was after a severe fall (details not included for thematic elements). I saw a bright light and then I came back to Earth. I don't remember a lot of it except the bright light.

The second was over a year ago when I was dying in the hospital. I remember in my mind walking down a trial towards someone who looked like Jesus. I kept walking, but I couldn't get any closer. After a few minutes of this, I raised my hand up to say "No, not yet." I think Jesus was waiting for my decision. During the walking, I felt a huge sense of calm, joy and peace. I often want to get that feeling back. Sometimes it does when I meditate. It was not a dream; it was very different from a dream.

If you're wondering why I came back, it was for my psychologist who was going through grave difficulties. She didn't really tell me anything except I could feel a sense that she was struggling. I wanted to help her so I came back. I've overcome and been faced with many difficulties since coming back for her but I am glad that I fought through it all.

The man who ran the meditation class said after sharing about this that I am unique because I chose to come back. He didn't know that I came back for someone (for lack of time). It was the best decision I made even though I've lost touch with my psychologist. The last time I saw her she had the biggest smile in the world and I hope that this post finds her well.