As someone with a lot of creativity, I enjoy processing incoming information and creating different ways to deal with a lot of my anger, frustration, difficult times and mental illness symptoms. As nearly all of us Americans, as well as people around the world, I am aware of many of the struggles we are currently facing.
So here goes my creativity...
Everyone knows about Legos. Whoever does not know what they are should take a trip to the local craft store or toy store. They are basically building blocks.
Imagine you are a young girl of age 6... You are working incredibly hard on building a dollhouse out of a mountain of pink Legos. You put in all your effort to get each room set up. You even put some windows in and little doll beds, little dressers and maybe even a couch.
Yes, the dollhouse is not perfect. You may be missing spots here and there, but when you finish making the dollhouse, you sit back and believe it is absolutely perfect. You put all of your hard work into making this dollhouse. You stand back and silently pat yourself on the back for making what you believe to be a "masterpiece" or maybe one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
Here comes your older brother. He is annoyed about all of the attention your friends and family are giving to you. He comes in rage, calls you names, and completely.... ruins.... your... dollhouse... A...million... tiny... pieces.
No, that did not just happen.
You feel like your whole world has been shaken up.
It feels like everything you worked hard for is now.., gone. It kind of feels like that magic trick in which a magician very quickly pulls the tablecloth under all of the plates and bowls on a table.
Then you realize you can do something about what just happened. You control your reaction. You can either do it quietly within your mind or you can move forward and fight the battles that are worth fighting for.
Your mother comes in the room shortly after what happened. You run to her and cry, but together you think of ways to deal with the "tragedy." Not only is your reaction important, but your actions can speak volumes as well. Instead of crying for days, you stand up to your older brother, you peacefully go over to him and explain that it was not right what he did. You peacefully explain that his temper tantrum ruined something that you loved. You peacefully allow him to process through what he has just done. You stand there, praying with him to see where he went wrong and how he can make it right.
Your mother comes in and says it is important to stand up for what is right, She says that even though it seems like a useless effort to change your brother's reaction and temper tantrums, there is always hope that he will change and correctly decipher what is right and what is wrong.
Your father comes home, just as your mother finished talking to you both. He encourages you on this battle. He gives you his love and affection, allowing you to continue to process what is happening. He talks to your brother, helping him peacefully see where he went wrong. He even kneels down to help you, your older brother and your mother as you all piece together the dollhouse again. Nobody is yelling, Everyone is peacefully laughing, hugging and embracing who each of you are and what you are capable of doing together.
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As you may have figured out, this story is not unlike what is going on in our current political situation in America. "You" is the citizen and your "older brother" is our current American political leader. Your "mother" is all of the people rising up and standing up for themselves, especially the 3-5 million women and men who are standing up for what is right during the Women's march. Your "father" is God, your Higher Power or whoever you look to as "bigger than you," who stands with you and for you.
I know that this situation may feel very scary, but it is not that scary when you realize that we as citizens have a collective voice, both only through ourselves, or as a greater group power. We know that we can overcome anything with each other. We know that we should not be afraid of anything, because God has the ultimate control.
Let's stand up. Let's march. Let's support each other. Let's love women. Let's love those who are different from us. Let's love the most marginalized. Let's show love towards those around us, no matter who we are.
Let's love, not hate.
Peace be with you all.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
R.I.P. Bro
10
years ago, I was doing my language arts homework on my bed in my room.
My mother and I had just moved into an apartment after a period of
homelessness.
I was 17 years old, going on 45, with all of the struggles I went through at the time.
I heard my mother's cell phone start ringing, with a "hello" to the person on the other side of the phone.
Suddenly, I could not decipher if she was sobbing or laughing.
I did not want it to be true.
My mother eventually came into my room, with a face red of tears. The minute I saw her tears and heard her sobbing, I knew it had happened. I asked her anyways.
"Is it Michael?" I bravely asked.
"Yes. He took his life." she said.
Those few words changed my life. No longer did I have two brothers. No longer would I ever see his face.
Though he may have gone, his memories live on in all the lives of those who knew him.
i will never forget saying goodbye or his face at the wake. i will never forget my mother, my other brother and I hugging each other, with my mother yelling "WHY?"
We have realized since his death that we may never know the answer to that question.
I will never forget visiting his spot in the cemetery, in disbelief that my oldest brother, Michael, was under all that dirt, never to be seen again other than in family photographs. I will never forget all of the outpouring support, love and encouragement from my high school peers and most of those at my church.
I will never forget being paranoid in recent hospitalizations, believing that my brother's suicide was a prank on me. A setup. A joke. He faked his death, didn't he? He had to have.
That just goes to show you that I never really felt closure. I could not go to the funeral due to the fact that my father was there.
Michael, I think of you often. I wish the drugs and alcohol had not gotten the best of you. I believe you are in a better place though. I hope you feel relief from the struggles that you endured here. I hope you know that I forgave you for all of the mistakes.
If anyone tells you that they are suicidal or that you feel suicidal, please GET HELP. There are many supportive people out there who can help you, your family member or a friend.
To those who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, remember that you mean so much to so many and you can work through that stuff. There is always hope for another day.
R.I.P Michael Kowal 11/14/1981-1/25/2007
I was 17 years old, going on 45, with all of the struggles I went through at the time.
I heard my mother's cell phone start ringing, with a "hello" to the person on the other side of the phone.
Suddenly, I could not decipher if she was sobbing or laughing.
I did not want it to be true.
My mother eventually came into my room, with a face red of tears. The minute I saw her tears and heard her sobbing, I knew it had happened. I asked her anyways.
"Is it Michael?" I bravely asked.
"Yes. He took his life." she said.
Those few words changed my life. No longer did I have two brothers. No longer would I ever see his face.
Though he may have gone, his memories live on in all the lives of those who knew him.
i will never forget saying goodbye or his face at the wake. i will never forget my mother, my other brother and I hugging each other, with my mother yelling "WHY?"
We have realized since his death that we may never know the answer to that question.
I will never forget visiting his spot in the cemetery, in disbelief that my oldest brother, Michael, was under all that dirt, never to be seen again other than in family photographs. I will never forget all of the outpouring support, love and encouragement from my high school peers and most of those at my church.
I will never forget being paranoid in recent hospitalizations, believing that my brother's suicide was a prank on me. A setup. A joke. He faked his death, didn't he? He had to have.
That just goes to show you that I never really felt closure. I could not go to the funeral due to the fact that my father was there.
Michael, I think of you often. I wish the drugs and alcohol had not gotten the best of you. I believe you are in a better place though. I hope you feel relief from the struggles that you endured here. I hope you know that I forgave you for all of the mistakes.
If anyone tells you that they are suicidal or that you feel suicidal, please GET HELP. There are many supportive people out there who can help you, your family member or a friend.
To those who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, remember that you mean so much to so many and you can work through that stuff. There is always hope for another day.
R.I.P Michael Kowal 11/14/1981-1/25/2007
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Rise Up, Don't Back Down
Imagine that you have are paranoid and you have been since you were a teenager. Imagine that you’ve been threatened by your abuser not to tell anyone what happened. Imagine that you were threatened by the same person that he would sue everyone that helped you, telling you that you were “brainwashed” so much that you second guess your telling others what he did to you.
Imagine that you watched the Presidential election and the person who was elected bragged about doing things to women that should never have happened. Imagine that you did not sleep well for the months before Inauguration Day, believing that the FBI was in contact with your abuser and the new President and that they were considering killing you or arresting you for telling others about what you went through.
Terrified? Yes. Confused? Yes. Paranoid? Absolutely. Hopeful? Not until today.
These are all real things that have happened in my life, especially in the recent days.
I reached out to my mother this morning, crying and very paranoid that the FBI and the President are after me personally. My mother started saying “Watch the news! Watch the marches! There are millions of women fighting for us, for civil rights.”
And so after I hung up with her, I turned the news at my boyfriend’s house. And that is the moment that I began to feel hopeful again. As I watched the women and men stand up for women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, healthcare rights and the myriad other personal reasons that people gathered together to fight for true freedom, I felt HOPE again. I felt that part of me that has been fighting for validity and a voice gaining strength by watching the marches and the amazingly large numbers of people out there.
I wish I could march, but in my mind, as I walked home from the bus stop a few minutes ago, I was marching. My paranoia is way too large to be in such crowds, but I am marching in my mind in solidarity with women, men, people with disabilities, people with different races and LGBT brothers and sisters.
Stand up. Don’t Back Down. Keep fighting.
Imagine that you watched the Presidential election and the person who was elected bragged about doing things to women that should never have happened. Imagine that you did not sleep well for the months before Inauguration Day, believing that the FBI was in contact with your abuser and the new President and that they were considering killing you or arresting you for telling others about what you went through.
Terrified? Yes. Confused? Yes. Paranoid? Absolutely. Hopeful? Not until today.
These are all real things that have happened in my life, especially in the recent days.
I reached out to my mother this morning, crying and very paranoid that the FBI and the President are after me personally. My mother started saying “Watch the news! Watch the marches! There are millions of women fighting for us, for civil rights.”
And so after I hung up with her, I turned the news at my boyfriend’s house. And that is the moment that I began to feel hopeful again. As I watched the women and men stand up for women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, healthcare rights and the myriad other personal reasons that people gathered together to fight for true freedom, I felt HOPE again. I felt that part of me that has been fighting for validity and a voice gaining strength by watching the marches and the amazingly large numbers of people out there.
I wish I could march, but in my mind, as I walked home from the bus stop a few minutes ago, I was marching. My paranoia is way too large to be in such crowds, but I am marching in my mind in solidarity with women, men, people with disabilities, people with different races and LGBT brothers and sisters.
Stand up. Don’t Back Down. Keep fighting.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Togetherness: A Reflection on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's Dream
I just finished, as I do every year on this day, listening to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, given in 1963. From the powerful imagery and words to the eloquent power of his voice, this speech still captures a huge audience, especially today.
Our world still is not up to par with his dreams. For example there is still racism and "police brutality" against those who are African American. There is still tension among the races. There is still discrimination, within our society, our country and this world. In order to achieve the dream of Dr. MLK Jr., we need better understanding of each other and less judging others on first glance or even after first glance. We do not know everything that is going on in someone's life. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the person who is in front of me in the grocery store who is giving the cashier a very difficult time may have just lost someone close. It all begins with patience, a hard concept in our world who wants instant gratification.
Before listening to his speech, I was working on a free online course which examined how our words can have a lot of meaning and power. We must be careful not only in our words but also, sometimes more powerful, our actions.
Nobody should be discriminated against, whether they are black/white, LGBTQ/straight or any other ways that we seem to categorize and separate you and me against other people.
We need more love, more understanding, more peace, more togetherness and cohesiveness. Like Dr. MLK Jr's dream, I also have dreams for this world to experience more peace and more love than ever seen before. But it does not start with me; it needs to start with each of us. Next time you see someone sitting alone in the cafeteria at your school or work, go and sit by them. Next time you see someone being made fun of or put down, stand up for that person.
May we all strive to achieve as well as grow Dr. MLK Jr's dream in whatever way we see fit. May we strive to change this world for the better. May we strive for togetherness rather than separation. May we strive for moving forward as a world rather than regression.
Our world still is not up to par with his dreams. For example there is still racism and "police brutality" against those who are African American. There is still tension among the races. There is still discrimination, within our society, our country and this world. In order to achieve the dream of Dr. MLK Jr., we need better understanding of each other and less judging others on first glance or even after first glance. We do not know everything that is going on in someone's life. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the person who is in front of me in the grocery store who is giving the cashier a very difficult time may have just lost someone close. It all begins with patience, a hard concept in our world who wants instant gratification.
Before listening to his speech, I was working on a free online course which examined how our words can have a lot of meaning and power. We must be careful not only in our words but also, sometimes more powerful, our actions.
Nobody should be discriminated against, whether they are black/white, LGBTQ/straight or any other ways that we seem to categorize and separate you and me against other people.
We need more love, more understanding, more peace, more togetherness and cohesiveness. Like Dr. MLK Jr's dream, I also have dreams for this world to experience more peace and more love than ever seen before. But it does not start with me; it needs to start with each of us. Next time you see someone sitting alone in the cafeteria at your school or work, go and sit by them. Next time you see someone being made fun of or put down, stand up for that person.
May we all strive to achieve as well as grow Dr. MLK Jr's dream in whatever way we see fit. May we strive to change this world for the better. May we strive for togetherness rather than separation. May we strive for moving forward as a world rather than regression.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Be the Change
All around us these days is chaos. Chaos in our society and our world. Chaos within families. Chaos in our minds. The last one is something I deal with every day due to living (not suffering) with multiple severe mental illnesses, including PTSD, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. To say that my life is chaotic mostly is an understatement.
But because I live with those disorders, I have found a whole new world within this galaxy. I do not think like most people. When there is a change in my surroundings, I think the FBI is after me, I think I am in deep trouble or people can listen to my thoughts due to the CIA implanting a neural device in my head.
Those thoughts do not stop me from achieving my dreams. Yes, I deal with them almost every day, but I have learned to quiet those thoughts down, even sometimes independently.
Recently, I have taken on more responsibilities around me. Thanks to leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, I have been inspired to be the change that I want to make in this world.
I am involved with many projects, from ending homelessness through an organization that I am starting to helping people become literate through the use of video chatting.
While there are very difficult and challenging things that occur in our lives, we should keep moving forward and make a positive impact in lives around us as well as people we may never meet.
I do not know about you, but like Dr. MLK, Jr, I want violence and discrimination to go away and for this world to change for the better.
I dream of a more peaceful world.
But because I live with those disorders, I have found a whole new world within this galaxy. I do not think like most people. When there is a change in my surroundings, I think the FBI is after me, I think I am in deep trouble or people can listen to my thoughts due to the CIA implanting a neural device in my head.
Those thoughts do not stop me from achieving my dreams. Yes, I deal with them almost every day, but I have learned to quiet those thoughts down, even sometimes independently.
Recently, I have taken on more responsibilities around me. Thanks to leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, I have been inspired to be the change that I want to make in this world.
I am involved with many projects, from ending homelessness through an organization that I am starting to helping people become literate through the use of video chatting.
While there are very difficult and challenging things that occur in our lives, we should keep moving forward and make a positive impact in lives around us as well as people we may never meet.
I do not know about you, but like Dr. MLK, Jr, I want violence and discrimination to go away and for this world to change for the better.
I dream of a more peaceful world.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Moving Forward
Hey guys! I am excited to start writing on my blog a lot more often. I recently changed the website name.
My life has taken a huge turn since I last wrote a post. I have a wonderful, amazing and humorous boyfriend whom I love beyond imagination.
I started volunteering at various different organizations across the country as well as close to home (both virtually and physically). One of them is based in Washington DC and aims to end domestic violence.
Currently I am almost done applying to grad schools across the country. I am taking multiple courses for free online, both to expand my knowledge and review things I learned when I got my BS and MS. I am really enjoying an Entrepreneurship course.
Lastly, I was hospitalized around Thanksgiving time due to "stinkin' thinkin.'" The doctor/psychiatrist took me off of 3 medications and I am only taking 6 pills a day rather than 13 or 14 a day. My memory is coming back and I am much more alert and busy.
In the last month or so, I have really accepted my illness on a level I've never accepted it before. I realize that I may always have paranoia. It's not so much aiming at trying to get rid of it, but more about trying to deal with it. The more I try to get rid of it, the more it lingers. My flashbacks have decreased in a great way.
Not everything is perfect but things are moving forward. Thank you to all those who prayed for me and have supported me. I love you all and I hope to hear from you soon.
My life has taken a huge turn since I last wrote a post. I have a wonderful, amazing and humorous boyfriend whom I love beyond imagination.
I started volunteering at various different organizations across the country as well as close to home (both virtually and physically). One of them is based in Washington DC and aims to end domestic violence.
Currently I am almost done applying to grad schools across the country. I am taking multiple courses for free online, both to expand my knowledge and review things I learned when I got my BS and MS. I am really enjoying an Entrepreneurship course.
Lastly, I was hospitalized around Thanksgiving time due to "stinkin' thinkin.'" The doctor/psychiatrist took me off of 3 medications and I am only taking 6 pills a day rather than 13 or 14 a day. My memory is coming back and I am much more alert and busy.
In the last month or so, I have really accepted my illness on a level I've never accepted it before. I realize that I may always have paranoia. It's not so much aiming at trying to get rid of it, but more about trying to deal with it. The more I try to get rid of it, the more it lingers. My flashbacks have decreased in a great way.
Not everything is perfect but things are moving forward. Thank you to all those who prayed for me and have supported me. I love you all and I hope to hear from you soon.
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