I Am a Warrior

Imagine that you are stuck in a dark bedroom. Someone checks your room every 15 minutest to make sure you are alive. Outside, you hear people. You hear low-flying planes. You want to go check outside so you go and lift the window curtains but you are terrified. You are paralyzed. They must be after you.. You see a man in a uniform. Tall build. Slowly walking. with a flashlight.

Suddenly, you are back in your bedroom as a young teenager. Flashlights coming through the window. You hear the police arrest your mother and you start sobbing. A police man comes into your room and says everything is going to be ok. You call your pastor, the only person you can think of to talk to at 4 in the morning. She tells you, "You have a story to tell." That night you made a promise to yourself that you would make it through this life and help others.

Most likely, that man in the window is hospital security, not the FBI. No matter what people tell you, you believe they are the FBI coming for you President Obama is on one of those planes and he is here to take you away.

This was my first few nights in a hospital in 2013 I kept these nights pretty quiet for fear that they were actually real.

This was my reality.

I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
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Simply put, my brain goes haywire and I have to work very hard to get out of these psychotic/paranoid moments that come and go.

But before you judge me by this situation, you should know about mental illness. Nobody asks to have mental illness. Nobody asks to have to deal with symptoms every day. Nobody asks to be humiliated or feel humiliated because of an episode. The episodes come. Like people with cancer, nobody asks to have a relapse.

I have friends and family and loved ones from cancer, but nobody I know is blamed for having it. So why should I be blamed for my mental illness? Why should I have to suffer with horrible finances because I cannot work and I have 10 years of medical bills? Why can I not raise money for my finances when there is no question for raising money for cancer treatments?

I suffer day in and day out with mental illnesses that could end my life. This is a battle I've been fighting since I was about 13. Now I am 26. Half of my life.

If I could wish anything, I wish that stigmas and discrimination would be replaced with love, respect and encouragement.