I Am a Warrior

Imagine that you are stuck in a dark bedroom. Someone checks your room every 15 minutest to make sure you are alive. Outside, you hear people. You hear low-flying planes. You want to go check outside so you go and lift the window curtains but you are terrified. You are paralyzed. They must be after you.. You see a man in a uniform. Tall build. Slowly walking. with a flashlight.

Suddenly, you are back in your bedroom as a young teenager. Flashlights coming through the window. You hear the police arrest your mother and you start sobbing. A police man comes into your room and says everything is going to be ok. You call your pastor, the only person you can think of to talk to at 4 in the morning. She tells you, "You have a story to tell." That night you made a promise to yourself that you would make it through this life and help others.

Most likely, that man in the window is hospital security, not the FBI. No matter what people tell you, you believe they are the FBI coming for you President Obama is on one of those planes and he is here to take you away.

This was my first few nights in a hospital in 2013 I kept these nights pretty quiet for fear that they were actually real.

This was my reality.

I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
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Simply put, my brain goes haywire and I have to work very hard to get out of these psychotic/paranoid moments that come and go.

But before you judge me by this situation, you should know about mental illness. Nobody asks to have mental illness. Nobody asks to have to deal with symptoms every day. Nobody asks to be humiliated or feel humiliated because of an episode. The episodes come. Like people with cancer, nobody asks to have a relapse.

I have friends and family and loved ones from cancer, but nobody I know is blamed for having it. So why should I be blamed for my mental illness? Why should I have to suffer with horrible finances because I cannot work and I have 10 years of medical bills? Why can I not raise money for my finances when there is no question for raising money for cancer treatments?

I suffer day in and day out with mental illnesses that could end my life. This is a battle I've been fighting since I was about 13. Now I am 26. Half of my life.

If I could wish anything, I wish that stigmas and discrimination would be replaced with love, respect and encouragement.

Lefts and rights

Change.

Change...

CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!

How uncomfortable were you when you read that word?  Chances are that you are uncomfortable with that wor and its meaning. Changes are uncomfortable especially big ones that change your life.

Life's a journey of ups and downs, lefts and rights. But sometimes we need to change in order to become all we can be. Tomorrow is monumental for me because I am making a big change in my life. I am standing up for myself.

 It's terrifying me.

Change is uncomfortable and can be terrifying.  But sometimes you need to change to become who God wants us to be. Change is not easy. But it's worth it.

I'm scared of other people's reactions especially those who are involved in the change I am making.

But if things don't change then we remain as they always were and are. Stagnant.

Sometimes downright hurtful.

Things can change for the better though.

In order to change sometimes you have to face that which you are afraid of. It takes a lot of courage and strength but again it is worth it.

Evolution of Masks

Many of you know that I am currently in an outpatient mental health program. Yesterday, I asked for a prompt for art therapy that I could work on over the weekend. I love expressing myself with pastels, painting, and color pencils.

The prompt that I was given was this: Draw a mask.

I have done more than that and have enjoyed working on this project.

This is the first mask picture I drew:

In this drawing, it looks as if the eyes are tired, and yesterday afternoon, I was exhausted from going to program every day. I felt drained yesterday. The mouth of this mask is neither happy nor sad, exactly how I felt. However, the mouth was not my mouth, it was the mask's. Sometimes I feel as though I do not have a voice. I often feel that I do not fully let everyone see who is behind the mask. The mask is dark on one side and fairly light on the other side. This represents the dichotomous nature of my mental illnesses and life in general.

This is the first picture I painted this morning.

In this picture, there is a lot less darkness. That's because when I drew this I only had a few flashbacks and no nightmares. There is no mouth on this mask. I feel that the viewer can sense what is going on in this piece without anything explicit or elusive. In the middle of the mask, there are swirls of black and some light colors in the back. This is representative of how I feel myself becoming whole and more light. Overall, the swirls of darkness are not so overwhelming. The background resembles the fact that I am slowly coming back to the present without having paranoia, psychosis, hallucinations, etc. The eyes are very dark, which is supposed to reflect that at this stage, I am scared to let people see all of me.

This was my second art piece this morning.

This is a great departure from my first two paintings. The broad spectrum of colors represents the fact that I feel a mixture of feelings. The colors on the mask almost fit together with the external colors. I am feeling that my feelings inside are being validated by those around me. They tell me I am allowed to feel that range of emotions. I am starting to let people "in" so they can understand me further. It is important to note that there is no smile on this mask, because I believe that the viewer can understand where I am emotionally at this point without blatantly saying it on the painting.

This is the third painting I drew this morning:

This painting, again, is a departure from the last few. There is almost no darkness in this painting. It is important to note that this painting was drawn right after going for a 2-mile run. The external area depicts a peaceful scene of nature, with the sun, a clear blue sky, grassy field and three flowers.  My emotions are definitely matched with my internal emotions. I feel renewed, inspired, and awake, as seen in the mask. I am reminded that there is a light within me that can conquer any darkness. The flowers represent my growth and transformation. My mouth is open, meaning that I feel like I have an important voice. Running helps me to feel strong and empowered. I feel close to God.

Finally, this is my fourth painting this morning.

This painting most represents how I feel in general these days. The mask is breaking and I am finding my voice again. I have learned a lot about myself and how much light there is inside of me. I love the power in this painting, shown through the colors and the fact that the viewer can begin to see my face. The colors outside are supposed to represent the people who have helped me and encouraged me through all of the difficult times with my mental illnesses. I feel that it is okay and safe to get rid of any mask I may put on. There are people who care about and understand me. I am very strong now and I feel that I can conquer anything set before me.

The Serious Race

Now I am really upset.

I made the mistake of looking up on Google "Trump and mental health." Amidst articles declaring that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder, I found an article in which Trump equated those with mental illness and sickos, in light of the current stigmatization of those with mental illness due to the increase in shootings. Sadly his view is not that uncommon.

I do not have a TV. Granted, sometimes I watch some shows on Netflix, such as "Fuller House." Thanks to Facebook, I do not even have to look far to find out what is happening during the Presidential race, or at least the last few antics. And what I see is an almagamation of a circus and a reality show. Every other post on my News Feed says "Guess what happened now with Hillary Clinton, Trump, Ted Cruz, Bernie Sanders..., "You won't believe what they did 5 years ago." You get the picture. People make mistakes but it angers me that the political race centers on everything going wrong rather than what each candidate has done to further our lives as US citizens. I want to see what they will bring to the table as President.

We are not just voting for the Last Survivor. We are voting for the President of the United States, who will transform our country for the next 4 to 8 years. I want the gravity of this situation to sink in.

Over the last few years we have seen all the good and bad things that these candidates have done all over social media. Everybody makes mistakes. It's what they do after the mistake that matters most. Did they learn from it? Have they moved past it in order to be a better person? If so, then I would love to vote for that person.

I want to go back to the days when families sat around the TV, listened intently to the debates and chose based on what they saw in each presidential candidate. I want to go back to the days when people focused on the real issues at heart, not which candidate made them laugh the hardest.

We are not electing the President for one day. This is not some sort of odd race to be the next Bachelor of America. This is a race to figure out who will further our country and make changes for the good of all of us who live in this wonderful country. America makes an impact in countries around the world. Think about this impact as well..

I am honestly frightened because I deal with schizophrenia, bipolar I and PTSD. It scares me that some of the candidates running for President carry such stigmas against so many people in America. I want a President who understands what disabled people go through.

Even though I have serious mental illnesses, I hold a Masters Degree in Biomedical Engineering and am currently waiting to find out if I am accepted into a PhD program. I have a few ideas that would transform our world while also alleviating the stigmatization of those with mental illness, as well as, other disorders and diseases. I have made it my mission in life to help those all around the world.

In other words, there are people with mental illness  and disorders who work hard to make a difference all over the world. I would never even think to do anything that would hurt people.

Change the stigmas and remain positive. Take the race seriously.