To Share or Not to Share

"In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors- specifically rape and incest survivors- kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor's visits decreased and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones."
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Wow. Does any of this surprise you?

Many people wonder why I am so vocal about the abuse I survived as a child. Some say that I should not share what I've been through. But this research shows that people who have been abused should share what they've been through.

It is healthy to share...

Sometimes it's scary to share your story but it is a huge relief when others understand what you've been through or they can relate. It's a huge relief when people take the time to understand and listen. It helps a ton actually. Knowing that you're not alone in the fight makes the fight all the more worth it.

Nostalgia

"We are often comparing our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media-driven visions of perfection, or we're holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it. Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: 'Remember when...? Those were the days...'"
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Hey guys! It's been quite a few days since I posted a blog. I apologize. It's because I honestly ran out of things to say. I didn't want to repeat myself and I kind of hit what they call a writer's block.

I just started reading Brene's book and I can NOT put it down. She makes so many great points about vulnerability. It is a very well-written book.

I chose this quote because for me, lately, nostalgia is hitting me hard. I am dealing with severe weight gain because of my medications, one in particular, Zyprexa. It is known to make people always hungry. I often think of a year ago, when I was down to 105 pounds and I miss that time. I miss being light as a feather in some ways. I was able to run 6 minute miles. I was able to run up stairs. I never got out of breath. I could run 5 miles straight in 15 minutes. I miss the freedom. I miss the wind whipping in my face.

To be truthfully honest, I miss my mania at times. But not enough to go off my meds. I just miss the photographic memory. I miss the running. I miss feeling invincible. I miss feeling like nothing can stop me.

Now I feel so... ordinary...

Anyways, I went to my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time since 2010 and updated her on the past few years. Without even saying anything, she said we would be lowering my Zyprexa, because she said I am on a very high dose. I'm hoping this will help some with my weight gain. But at the same time I don't want it to affect my paranoia/psychosis. I am scared to go down a bit. But I am also scared about the health effects of being overweight.

It feels like there is no winning.

I guess the winning is that I've been out of the hospital for 10 and a half months. That's a big step forward. No matter how much I miss my mania, it is not enough to make me go off the meds and go back to the hospital. I just want stability without weight gain and my psychiatrist told me yesterday that there are other options.

Just keep moving forward...

Unbeatable

"In a tornado, you not only have to look out for the tremendous winds, but also whatever the winds pick up and hurl in your direction. Like a tornado, alcoholism often brings along additional problems, including verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, illness, debt, prison, infidelity and even death...When facing a difficult situation, let me remember that my Higher Power speaks through other people. I don't have to face it alone."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 16 Devotion

I really liked today's quote because it reminded me of something I watched last night, the Syracuse basketball game against NC State.

The game was way too close for comfort and Cuse was going for a record of unbeaten games, 25-0. They had a lot riding on the game and NC State definitely gave them a run for their money. The teams tied at least 12 times during the game.

Towards the end of the game, I felt my heart beat faster. The adrenaline rushed through my body. With twelve seconds in the game left, Cuse was down by 1. My friend, who I was texting back and forth throughout the game said they should go for a 3 pointer. I said no, they've been missing those too much. All they needed to win was 2 points.

And Tyler Ennis got those two points. But it wasn't over. With 6 seconds left, NC State rushed to their side of the court and tried to get a shot but missed. And the rest is history...

25-0. Unbeatable. Unreal. Amazing.

I'm kind of new to basketball. I only really started watching it lately because 1) my friend, Justin, got me into watching Cuse basketball games and 2) they are my alma mater and I am excited about how well they are doing.

The one thing that really stuck out to me is that there are some really difficult situations in basketball. Cuse was down by 5 points at one point in the game and I honestly got really nervous, but they worked together and kept their unbeatable record. This is just like how we have to work together in life to beat the seemingly impossible odds.

With Christ in our lives, we can overcome anything...We are not in this alone.

Attitude of Gratitude

"I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 14 Devotion

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

Secondly, I am pretty much snowed in, with Northern NJ receiving over a foot of snow yesterday.

I don't really like being snowed in because I didn't get to see all of my friends yesterday. But regradless, I got to talk to most of them on Facebook.

The quote above reminded me of how far I have come. We may not always get to change our circumstances when we want to, but we can definitely control how we react to our situations. Attitude determines a lot. We have to get up and face each day regardless of what comes our way.

I love gratitude and being thankful for every good thing in life. Gratitude is so important in determining how we live our lives. It is so much better to be thankful for stuff than to be stuck in a pity party.

I am very thankful for where I am now. It's been over 10 months since I got out of the hospital,. Every day I am excited to wake up. I get to see my friends and I have been applying to many jobs. I have had time to relax and regroup after finishing my Masters and I am ready for whatever job comes my way.

Beautiful Friendships

"I know that I was pulled from despair by the love of strangers who quickly became friends."
-Courage to Change, Feb. 11 Devotion

I have made quite a few friends since I came home to NJ a few months ago. Every day, I go to my friend's store (she owns the store) and meet up with a few friends to eat lunch together. I run some errands for a friend. We laugh and tell stories together. Lately, I've been reading a Chicken Soup book to them. I am so grateful to them for the time we spend together. I couldn't imagine being alone now that I feel the love that they show towards me.

I also have friends who live nearby and I go to their house usually in the afternoon to watch the Olympics together. There are four of them who live in a house together. I love visiting them and watching together. We laugh together and just enjoy each other's company.

It is interesting that we used to be strangers but we definitely all quickly became friends. I even remember seeing one of my friends around the lake before I finally met them and now we are really good friends.

Needless to say, I am extremely fortunate to have the friends that I do. They make every day fun and full of joy. It is an absolute blessing to be their friend.

10 Months

Well, today marks 10 months since I left the hospital...

A lot has happened since then. I finished graduate school, I moved home, and I made some friends. I can't believe how far I've  come in a short time. I can't even believe I'm celebrating 10 months and I'm almost to a year. I feel like I am celebrating even more than my 10 month anniversary.

Thank you for your prayers, love and support through everything. I couldn't have made it this far without everyone in my life.

Every day is a new adventure and I really am excited at where I'm at right now. Almost on cloud nine. Things are going really well. I'm ecstatic to be able to watch the Olympics with my friends and we are planning to see The Lego Movie soon. I can honestly say I have the best friends in the world, including my brother.

I can say from experience that you can't let your situations define you or stop you from achieving your dreams. No matter what comes your way, keep moving forward and things will work out. God will take care of you and bless you beyond belief. No matter what, keep trusting God... He never fails.

Willing to Change

"I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 8 Devotion

I believe this is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I constantly wanted to fix things. I wanted to change other peoples' behavior.

But I quickly learned that it was up to the other people to change. They had to be willing to change, or else they wouldn't change.

It is always important to know that you can control your own behavior and attitudes. This is what makes all the difference in life. Controlling your own emotions and  behaviors is half the battle.

I can't change the behavior of my family members, but I can change my attitude towards them in order to move forward. They may not be perfect, but who is? I take it one day at a time and remind myself that I am in charge of myself, no one else. Once I realized that it is my own attitude that I am in charge of, it has made all the difference.
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