Imagine that you have are paranoid and you have been since you were a teenager. Imagine that you’ve been threatened by your abuser not to tell anyone what happened. Imagine that you were threatened by the same person that he would sue everyone that helped you, telling you that you were “brainwashed” so much that you second guess your telling others what he did to you.
Imagine that you watched the Presidential election and the person who was elected bragged about doing things to women that should never have happened. Imagine that you did not sleep well for the months before Inauguration Day, believing that the FBI was in contact with your abuser and the new President and that they were considering killing you or arresting you for telling others about what you went through.
Terrified? Yes. Confused? Yes. Paranoid? Absolutely. Hopeful? Not until today.
These are all real things that have happened in my life, especially in the recent days.
I reached out to my mother this morning, crying and very paranoid that the FBI and the President are after me personally. My mother started saying “Watch the news! Watch the marches! There are millions of women fighting for us, for civil rights.”
And so after I hung up with her, I turned the news at my boyfriend’s house. And that is the moment that I began to feel hopeful again. As I watched the women and men stand up for women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, healthcare rights and the myriad other personal reasons that people gathered together to fight for true freedom, I felt HOPE again. I felt that part of me that has been fighting for validity and a voice gaining strength by watching the marches and the amazingly large numbers of people out there.
I wish I could march, but in my mind, as I walked home from the bus stop a few minutes ago, I was marching. My paranoia is way too large to be in such crowds, but I am marching in my mind in solidarity with women, men, people with disabilities, people with different races and LGBT brothers and sisters.
Stand up. Don’t Back Down. Keep fighting.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
Togetherness: A Reflection on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's Dream
I just finished, as I do every year on this day, listening to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, given in 1963. From the powerful imagery and words to the eloquent power of his voice, this speech still captures a huge audience, especially today.
Our world still is not up to par with his dreams. For example there is still racism and "police brutality" against those who are African American. There is still tension among the races. There is still discrimination, within our society, our country and this world. In order to achieve the dream of Dr. MLK Jr., we need better understanding of each other and less judging others on first glance or even after first glance. We do not know everything that is going on in someone's life. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the person who is in front of me in the grocery store who is giving the cashier a very difficult time may have just lost someone close. It all begins with patience, a hard concept in our world who wants instant gratification.
Before listening to his speech, I was working on a free online course which examined how our words can have a lot of meaning and power. We must be careful not only in our words but also, sometimes more powerful, our actions.
Nobody should be discriminated against, whether they are black/white, LGBTQ/straight or any other ways that we seem to categorize and separate you and me against other people.
We need more love, more understanding, more peace, more togetherness and cohesiveness. Like Dr. MLK Jr's dream, I also have dreams for this world to experience more peace and more love than ever seen before. But it does not start with me; it needs to start with each of us. Next time you see someone sitting alone in the cafeteria at your school or work, go and sit by them. Next time you see someone being made fun of or put down, stand up for that person.
May we all strive to achieve as well as grow Dr. MLK Jr's dream in whatever way we see fit. May we strive to change this world for the better. May we strive for togetherness rather than separation. May we strive for moving forward as a world rather than regression.
Our world still is not up to par with his dreams. For example there is still racism and "police brutality" against those who are African American. There is still tension among the races. There is still discrimination, within our society, our country and this world. In order to achieve the dream of Dr. MLK Jr., we need better understanding of each other and less judging others on first glance or even after first glance. We do not know everything that is going on in someone's life. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the person who is in front of me in the grocery store who is giving the cashier a very difficult time may have just lost someone close. It all begins with patience, a hard concept in our world who wants instant gratification.
Before listening to his speech, I was working on a free online course which examined how our words can have a lot of meaning and power. We must be careful not only in our words but also, sometimes more powerful, our actions.
Nobody should be discriminated against, whether they are black/white, LGBTQ/straight or any other ways that we seem to categorize and separate you and me against other people.
We need more love, more understanding, more peace, more togetherness and cohesiveness. Like Dr. MLK Jr's dream, I also have dreams for this world to experience more peace and more love than ever seen before. But it does not start with me; it needs to start with each of us. Next time you see someone sitting alone in the cafeteria at your school or work, go and sit by them. Next time you see someone being made fun of or put down, stand up for that person.
May we all strive to achieve as well as grow Dr. MLK Jr's dream in whatever way we see fit. May we strive to change this world for the better. May we strive for togetherness rather than separation. May we strive for moving forward as a world rather than regression.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Be the Change
All around us these days is chaos. Chaos in our society and our world. Chaos within families. Chaos in our minds. The last one is something I deal with every day due to living (not suffering) with multiple severe mental illnesses, including PTSD, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. To say that my life is chaotic mostly is an understatement.
But because I live with those disorders, I have found a whole new world within this galaxy. I do not think like most people. When there is a change in my surroundings, I think the FBI is after me, I think I am in deep trouble or people can listen to my thoughts due to the CIA implanting a neural device in my head.
Those thoughts do not stop me from achieving my dreams. Yes, I deal with them almost every day, but I have learned to quiet those thoughts down, even sometimes independently.
Recently, I have taken on more responsibilities around me. Thanks to leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, I have been inspired to be the change that I want to make in this world.
I am involved with many projects, from ending homelessness through an organization that I am starting to helping people become literate through the use of video chatting.
While there are very difficult and challenging things that occur in our lives, we should keep moving forward and make a positive impact in lives around us as well as people we may never meet.
I do not know about you, but like Dr. MLK, Jr, I want violence and discrimination to go away and for this world to change for the better.
I dream of a more peaceful world.
But because I live with those disorders, I have found a whole new world within this galaxy. I do not think like most people. When there is a change in my surroundings, I think the FBI is after me, I think I am in deep trouble or people can listen to my thoughts due to the CIA implanting a neural device in my head.
Those thoughts do not stop me from achieving my dreams. Yes, I deal with them almost every day, but I have learned to quiet those thoughts down, even sometimes independently.
Recently, I have taken on more responsibilities around me. Thanks to leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, I have been inspired to be the change that I want to make in this world.
I am involved with many projects, from ending homelessness through an organization that I am starting to helping people become literate through the use of video chatting.
While there are very difficult and challenging things that occur in our lives, we should keep moving forward and make a positive impact in lives around us as well as people we may never meet.
I do not know about you, but like Dr. MLK, Jr, I want violence and discrimination to go away and for this world to change for the better.
I dream of a more peaceful world.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Moving Forward
Hey guys! I am excited to start writing on my blog a lot more often. I recently changed the website name.
My life has taken a huge turn since I last wrote a post. I have a wonderful, amazing and humorous boyfriend whom I love beyond imagination.
I started volunteering at various different organizations across the country as well as close to home (both virtually and physically). One of them is based in Washington DC and aims to end domestic violence.
Currently I am almost done applying to grad schools across the country. I am taking multiple courses for free online, both to expand my knowledge and review things I learned when I got my BS and MS. I am really enjoying an Entrepreneurship course.
Lastly, I was hospitalized around Thanksgiving time due to "stinkin' thinkin.'" The doctor/psychiatrist took me off of 3 medications and I am only taking 6 pills a day rather than 13 or 14 a day. My memory is coming back and I am much more alert and busy.
In the last month or so, I have really accepted my illness on a level I've never accepted it before. I realize that I may always have paranoia. It's not so much aiming at trying to get rid of it, but more about trying to deal with it. The more I try to get rid of it, the more it lingers. My flashbacks have decreased in a great way.
Not everything is perfect but things are moving forward. Thank you to all those who prayed for me and have supported me. I love you all and I hope to hear from you soon.
My life has taken a huge turn since I last wrote a post. I have a wonderful, amazing and humorous boyfriend whom I love beyond imagination.
I started volunteering at various different organizations across the country as well as close to home (both virtually and physically). One of them is based in Washington DC and aims to end domestic violence.
Currently I am almost done applying to grad schools across the country. I am taking multiple courses for free online, both to expand my knowledge and review things I learned when I got my BS and MS. I am really enjoying an Entrepreneurship course.
Lastly, I was hospitalized around Thanksgiving time due to "stinkin' thinkin.'" The doctor/psychiatrist took me off of 3 medications and I am only taking 6 pills a day rather than 13 or 14 a day. My memory is coming back and I am much more alert and busy.
In the last month or so, I have really accepted my illness on a level I've never accepted it before. I realize that I may always have paranoia. It's not so much aiming at trying to get rid of it, but more about trying to deal with it. The more I try to get rid of it, the more it lingers. My flashbacks have decreased in a great way.
Not everything is perfect but things are moving forward. Thank you to all those who prayed for me and have supported me. I love you all and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Light Needs to Be Seen
"Code grey! Code grey!"
The teachers went into action as they told us to get to the back of the room. We all moved until we were told that the drill was over. We sat there for about 10-15 minutes, all huddled together.
The sad truth is that the drills are becoming reality. The attacks are real. Our world is hurting more than ever before. As a student going through the drills, I thought to myself, "Well there is no use for these drills. Nothing will ever happen."
And it has.
A shooting there. A bombing here. And every day, they are becoming more of our "new reality."
All we can do is lift our arms up to God, asking him to help our society, our nation and nations around the globe.
This should not be.
We feel helpless. We feel as though the attacks will never cease.
But when our world is at its darkest, God is there. We should never give up on world peace because with God, nothing is impossible.
World peace is possible if we work together to bring happiness, joy, contentedness, love, honesty to every crevice in this world. It takes each of us to change our reality once again.
No matter how dark and difficult our lives can feel, we have a God who can heal us and show us His light.
And that light...
That light needs to be seen.
The teachers went into action as they told us to get to the back of the room. We all moved until we were told that the drill was over. We sat there for about 10-15 minutes, all huddled together.
The sad truth is that the drills are becoming reality. The attacks are real. Our world is hurting more than ever before. As a student going through the drills, I thought to myself, "Well there is no use for these drills. Nothing will ever happen."
And it has.
A shooting there. A bombing here. And every day, they are becoming more of our "new reality."
All we can do is lift our arms up to God, asking him to help our society, our nation and nations around the globe.
This should not be.
We feel helpless. We feel as though the attacks will never cease.
But when our world is at its darkest, God is there. We should never give up on world peace because with God, nothing is impossible.
World peace is possible if we work together to bring happiness, joy, contentedness, love, honesty to every crevice in this world. It takes each of us to change our reality once again.
No matter how dark and difficult our lives can feel, we have a God who can heal us and show us His light.
And that light...
That light needs to be seen.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Stubborn to Bright Side
Yesterday, I was told that I will not be able to run for awhile. To be frank, I was devastated. Not only does running help me deal with my mental illnesses but when I was a child I always dreamt that I could run in a Marathon.
Today, almost all day, people asked me if they could help me out with anything. Stubborn me, I declined most of the offers. I'm not used to asking for help, especially physically. In the last few weeks, I went from running 2-5 times a day with a day or two off to not being able to run at all.
But in all things, there is a "silver lining." Being off of my feet as much as I can will help me stay seated and work on my scarf project. Just plug some headphones into my ears and I'll crochet for hours.
So my takeaways are 1) don't be stubborn enough not to ask for help and 2) look on the bright side; no matter how difficult things are, you are not alone in this world and there are many people who care about you..
Today, almost all day, people asked me if they could help me out with anything. Stubborn me, I declined most of the offers. I'm not used to asking for help, especially physically. In the last few weeks, I went from running 2-5 times a day with a day or two off to not being able to run at all.
But in all things, there is a "silver lining." Being off of my feet as much as I can will help me stay seated and work on my scarf project. Just plug some headphones into my ears and I'll crochet for hours.
So my takeaways are 1) don't be stubborn enough not to ask for help and 2) look on the bright side; no matter how difficult things are, you are not alone in this world and there are many people who care about you..
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Letter From and to Within
Every so often, I challenge myself to write a compassionate letter for myself. Often, it is so easy to share love towards others and not so much myself. I hope that by sharing this, you will find some compassion towards yourself.
Dear me,
I know that you are going through so much right now and I
hope that you are blessed to receive this note. Every life has its ups and
downs, circles, squares and trapezoids, but that does not mean that you have to
let the evil in your life to stop you from achieving your dreams. Do not let
those obstacles and trials of life stop you from becoming stronger. You got
this!
You are incredibly strong and I know that you will get through this because you have been through so much more. This life is not always full of simple solutions. The situation you find yourself in right now will pass and most likely get better. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it requires peer support. Sometimes it requires you to change your behaviors with those around you and within yourself.
You are incredibly strong and I know that you will get through this because you have been through so much more. This life is not always full of simple solutions. The situation you find yourself in right now will pass and most likely get better. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it requires peer support. Sometimes it requires you to change your behaviors with those around you and within yourself.
I know that you try to do your best, but there are times
when your best will not be good enough. Forgive yourself and do not hurt
yourself by dwelling on your inadequacy. We will never be perfect and you
obviously know that nobody will. Mistakes are inevitable. The best thing we can
do for ourselves is to be patient and move forward from the negatives.
No matter what situations you find yourself in, know that
you are loved. Deeply loved. Nothing can take that away from this fact. You may
or may not always feel close to God, but you know through “coincidental”
circumstances that God loves you. I love you. Those around you love you. Learn
to love yourself and forgive yourself. Move forward.
Sometimes it feels as if the circumstances in your life are painful to go through, but try to remind yourself that there is always hope. Never give up. Stick to the hope, love, joy and contentedness that fill your life each day, no matter how difficult today was or is.
Sometimes it feels as if the circumstances in your life are painful to go through, but try to remind yourself that there is always hope. Never give up. Stick to the hope, love, joy and contentedness that fill your life each day, no matter how difficult today was or is.
I love you….
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