Hope Never Fails

Boy, oh boy, the last few days have been incredible and bittersweet, joyful and exciting...

For those who don't know, I graduated with a Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering yesterday. It has been a very hard road, including 5 hospitalizations in the last year and a half.

It is bittersweet because I had to say goodbye to so many people that really mean a lot to me.

I was talking to the lady who sat next to me on my flight from Charlotte, NC to Newark, NJ for most of our flight. When I told her that I graduated with a Masters, she said she met a miracle.

And that's how I feel... It is nothing short of a miracle how I graduated and moved forward. I couldn't have done it without God and my faith as well as the love and support of many people who have had my back.

I am officially the first person in my family to graduate college and now graduate school. I feel like I am breaking the cycle of drugs, alcohol and mental illness. I still have mental illness, but I am achieving things I never thought possible. Mental illness truly does not have to stop you from achieving your dreams. I think I'm living proof of that.

If you take anything from this blog, I would take great joy if you find hope. Not only do I want to spread awareness of mental illness, but I also want to spread hope. Hope is incredibly important and the reason I wake up every morning.

I'll leave you with a photo from my graduation of my mom and I...

Mom

It's my first morning post-school and I want to blog but I don't know what to write about. So I'll just let my stream of consciousness flow.

My mom is still sleeping...

I am so excited to have her down here with me to see me graduate, something that I knew was possible but at times thought was impossible. Someone I work with on campus said there were many times, especially last semester, when I could have gone in the wrong direction but didn't. My therapist says it's like a fork in the road. You can either choose the negative lane or the positive lane.

My mom and I have been through it all together and to have her here means the world to me. We have seen dark days together and we have seen bright days together... and Saturday, when I graduate, is a very bright day. We will be all smiles and full of joy.

I posted on my Facebook yesterday about how the last two times my mom was down in Florida, it was because I was in the hospital. It's such a difference this time under better circumstances. The excitement and joy is felt in the air.

My mom is incredibly strong and I think some of my strength and willpower comes from her. My willpower to never give up. To keep fighting the good fight. To keep marching forward, no matter what the weather.

The past year and a half of graduate school has been one of the toughest times in my life, but I didn't give up because, to me, giving up is not an option. I have always been a fighter, always yearning for the better day.

And today the brighter day is here...

Magical Day

Today has been a magical day...

I apologize for not blogging this morning. I didn't do my usual routine this morning since I had a very difficult final this morning and I woke up at 5am to study for it.

My final exam went very well.. meaning that I am officially done with my Masters program and ready to move forward with my life.

The excitement and joy filled my body as I walked from the testing center to my apartment after finishing the exam. Not only that, but I was overjoyed that my mother was on her way to Gainesville for my graduation.

I am writing this after spending the latter half of the day with my mom, reminiscing about the past two times she was in Gainesville.

We worked on packing my apartment when I came across this form from my last hospitalization...

In case you can't read that, it says Patient lacks capacity to sign.

And that's the truth about mental illness...

It can get so bad that one cannot function or do what they need to do.

It's hard to think that 8 months ago, I was in the state where I couldn't even function enough to sign a hospital intake form.

But that's the truth.

But not the whole truth.

I have moved forward in a ton of ways...

I am what my therapist and psychiatrist call a success story. In a few days, I am graduating with my Matsers in Biomedical Engineering, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with severe mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar and PTSD) on a daily basis.

It has been a very hard road, but it has been worth every step of the way...

And it's not over yet.

Just a big step forward...

Let the festivities begin!

Worship In All Seasons

It is easy for me to worship in the summer sunshine , when the beautiful melodies of life seem to fill the air, and the lush fruit of life is still on the trees. But when the songbirds cease and the fruit falls from the trees, will my heart continue to sing? Will I remain in Gods house at night?

-George Matheson, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 11 Devotion

We are to worship God in all the seasons of our lives, no matter how difficult it seems. I can admit that sometimes it has been hard to worship Him but when I sense His peace in my life, I have no choice but to worship Him.

Last semester, when I was in the midst of severe suffering from mental illnesses, I felt His peace at the lake and I had no choice but to worship Him. And in worshiping Him, I found life even in the midst of suffering.

I think the test of life does not come when everything is easy, but it comes when things are difficult and you want to give up. You think the fight is not worth fighting. You think you can't go on and yet you feel something inside you, the power of the Holy Spirit, and you keep moving forward.

You keep moving forward  despite the challenges, despite every idea of giving up. You use every ounce that you've got left to keep moving forward. And as you keep moving forward, you have no choice but to praise Him, because you had no idea what you had inside of you.

Has Your Back

Today marks 8 months without a hospitalization. To tell you the truth, I didn't think this day would come, but since I've taken my medications and gone to therapy and treatment, things have gotten a lot easier.

I think the real turning point came when I didn't think about the hospital anymore.

Mental illness can be very difficult but treating it in the correct way can lead to positive results.  If you take it step by step, it is possible to move forward.

In the past few months I have had to come to terms with my serious mental illness and I have had to battle with it through paranoia and psychosis, but it is very rewarding to know that I am moving forward.

Moving forward does not have to mean getting everything right or perfect. It may mean you take baby steps. It may mean you don't know what will happen, but you trust that God has your back.

And He always will...

Free to Move Forward

"Having chosen not to be a victim crippled by childhood trauma, I felt free- as if heavy chains had been removed from my legs. I was free to move wherever the river of life might take me."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Today is the day I get my cap and gown for my Masters graduation. It is crazy to think how far I've come in the past year. Tomorrow marks 8 months without a hospitalization, something I honestly thought would never happen. Four more months to a year.

I came across the above quote this morning and had to write about it because I feel in a big way that I am moving forward in a very positive direction. I found a possible job at NYU a few days ago and am really excited about applying. There are a few other places I am looking.

I am thankful beyond measure to everyone who has helped me get this far, with their prayers, encouragement, and unending support. It is because of you that I am graduating.

I like this quote because it is a reminder that I am not a victim of childhood trauma, but instead a survivor and I walk forward into the life God has called me as a strong survivor. There is much power in recognizing this. There is freedom.

And yes, as I move forward, I feel free.

Courage

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
-Nelson Mandela

What does courage mean to you?

To me, courage means that one trusts God in the face of impossible circumstances. It is trust in the unknown future, trusting that everything will work out, despite the difficult present time.

I have personally had to be courageous most of my life. My life was threatened multiple times as a child. I prayed to God many times to be delivered from the unbelievable difficulties. When I became homeless as a teenager, I didn't know how everything would work out... but they did.

Courage isn't born in easy circumstances. It is born in the times when we don't know which way is up, the times when we are terrified and yet we walk in the way of the light, the times when we think the world is caving in on us and we don't know how to move forward...

Courage is born in the difficult circumstances of our lives, when we trust God regardless of our immediate future.

We need to trust that God has a greater plan ahead of us, if we just hang in there.