"No one has ever done more to show you that you were unloved than God has done to show you that you are loved."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free
Have you ever been hurt? Have you ever been in pain because of someone else? Have you ever had someone say something that made you cry because it hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered what love really is?
I have and I'm sure you probably have.
But as much as others have hurt you, God has shown you love even more. I know this is true for me.
I think it's quite a miracle actually.
God has shown me love through the most difficult circumstances someone could go through. He has shown me His grace and mercy in the most challenging and arduous times. He has shown me what love is when I didn't know what it was. He has brought people into my life that showed me what it means to be loved.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Meeting God
Have you ever had a place where you "met God?" A place where you felt a peace and calm which surpassed all understanding? A place where you felt God in a whole new way?
I have.
And that place is a lake on campus.
I walked by this lake for the first time last semetser when I was on my way to the Counseling Center during a crisis. It was quite possibly my worst point last semester but when I walked by the lake, a peace washed over me. Its beauty overwhelmed me. I was thinking about this when I visited the lake on the 6-month anniversary of being out of the hospital a few days ago.
Many people know that last semester, I dealt with severe paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia. The lake was where I met God through all of those challenges. God spoke to me on a whole new level when I went to the lake. He spoke to me through the animals, the sunsets and the sunrises. I spent most of my time at the lake. It is not an overstatement to say that the lake was one of the major reasons I got through last semester.
One of my favorite points at the lake was during one of my lowest points. I had just gotten off of the phone with my mom and it was not a good conversation. At that point, I was trying to stay out of the hospital. So I went to the lake. I was met by a white bird and as soon as I saw it, my anxiety was washed away and I felt at peace.
God used the white birds to get me through the most difficult times. Often, when I went to the lake, one or two of them would come up to me and just be there with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that they represent the Holy Spirit. I get so excited when I see white birds and to this day, I still feel a sense of calm when I see them.
God can use anything to get us through our difficult times on this earth and for me, He used the lake and the gators, the white birds, the yellow butterflies, and the turtles. He used the sunsets and the sunrises to remind me of how powerful and majestic He is.
Here are some photos of the lake that I took when I was there a few days ago...
.JPG)
I have.
And that place is a lake on campus.
I walked by this lake for the first time last semetser when I was on my way to the Counseling Center during a crisis. It was quite possibly my worst point last semester but when I walked by the lake, a peace washed over me. Its beauty overwhelmed me. I was thinking about this when I visited the lake on the 6-month anniversary of being out of the hospital a few days ago.
Many people know that last semester, I dealt with severe paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia. The lake was where I met God through all of those challenges. God spoke to me on a whole new level when I went to the lake. He spoke to me through the animals, the sunsets and the sunrises. I spent most of my time at the lake. It is not an overstatement to say that the lake was one of the major reasons I got through last semester.
One of my favorite points at the lake was during one of my lowest points. I had just gotten off of the phone with my mom and it was not a good conversation. At that point, I was trying to stay out of the hospital. So I went to the lake. I was met by a white bird and as soon as I saw it, my anxiety was washed away and I felt at peace.
God used the white birds to get me through the most difficult times. Often, when I went to the lake, one or two of them would come up to me and just be there with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that they represent the Holy Spirit. I get so excited when I see white birds and to this day, I still feel a sense of calm when I see them.
God can use anything to get us through our difficult times on this earth and for me, He used the lake and the gators, the white birds, the yellow butterflies, and the turtles. He used the sunsets and the sunrises to remind me of how powerful and majestic He is.
Here are some photos of the lake that I took when I was there a few days ago...
.JPG)
Friday, October 11, 2013
Just A Closer Walk With Thee
"The spirituality of wonder knows the world is charged with grace, that while sin and war, disease and death are terribly real, God's loving presence and power in our midst are even more real."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
No matter how difficult things get in your life, no matter how frustrating things seem, no matter how it seems like the bad stuff in your life will never end, God's grace and power are real.
I know because I've been there. I've been in moments where I thought the evil would never end. I thought the bad stuff would never stop. But God has rescued me and shown me His grace and power. It doesn't mean the difficulties necessarily end. But God has shown me that He is present in our deepest and darkest moments. He has been present with me throughout the most difficult times in my life and He continues to be.
The following song is my favorite version of two mixed songs, songs that I have listened to many times throughout my life.
Selah- Precious Lord, Take My Hand/Just a Closer Walk With Thee
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
No matter how difficult things get in your life, no matter how frustrating things seem, no matter how it seems like the bad stuff in your life will never end, God's grace and power are real.
I know because I've been there. I've been in moments where I thought the evil would never end. I thought the bad stuff would never stop. But God has rescued me and shown me His grace and power. It doesn't mean the difficulties necessarily end. But God has shown me that He is present in our deepest and darkest moments. He has been present with me throughout the most difficult times in my life and He continues to be.
The following song is my favorite version of two mixed songs, songs that I have listened to many times throughout my life.
Selah- Precious Lord, Take My Hand/Just a Closer Walk With Thee
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Six Months!
This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I had been in and out of the hospital 4 times since January and I struggled and wondered if the cycle of hospital visits would ever stop. Each hospital visit, my doctors tried a new mixture of medications to get rid of my paranoia and psychosis. Together, we struggled to bring me back to stability.
This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I never thought that today would come. You see, today marks 6 months since my last hospital visit! Half a year. Something I never thought possible. The road to today has not been the easiest and I often still struggle with symptoms of my disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar, PTSD, possible autism), but I am still making it through without going to the hospital.
I will never forget the day that I was released. It was my 24th birthday and I guess my birthday present was my new diagnosis of schizophrenia and bipolar, formally known in combination as schizoaffective disorder. I struggled at first when I got out, but it's gotten easier over time. Sometimes, each day is a struggle but I take it one step at a time. I owe it all to my family, my therapist, my pastor and my psychiatrist and all of the people who have been rooting for me all this time.
People often wonder how I make it through each day with multiple mental illnesses, but I guess it all comes down to one word, "Believe." Believe in yourself. Believe in God. Believe in the impossible. Believe in the best. In order to make it this far without a hospitalization, I have had to believe that it was possible, even when I wanted to doubt. I had to believe in my inner strength and the strength that God has given me. I had to believe that what truly looked insurmountable and impossible was truly possible. I had to believe that I could beat the odds.
So I celebrate today in making it as far as I have. This is the longest stretch of no hospital visits since 2010. And that is something I really am excited about. I am beyond blessed...
This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I never thought that today would come. You see, today marks 6 months since my last hospital visit! Half a year. Something I never thought possible. The road to today has not been the easiest and I often still struggle with symptoms of my disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar, PTSD, possible autism), but I am still making it through without going to the hospital.
I will never forget the day that I was released. It was my 24th birthday and I guess my birthday present was my new diagnosis of schizophrenia and bipolar, formally known in combination as schizoaffective disorder. I struggled at first when I got out, but it's gotten easier over time. Sometimes, each day is a struggle but I take it one step at a time. I owe it all to my family, my therapist, my pastor and my psychiatrist and all of the people who have been rooting for me all this time.
People often wonder how I make it through each day with multiple mental illnesses, but I guess it all comes down to one word, "Believe." Believe in yourself. Believe in God. Believe in the impossible. Believe in the best. In order to make it this far without a hospitalization, I have had to believe that it was possible, even when I wanted to doubt. I had to believe in my inner strength and the strength that God has given me. I had to believe that what truly looked insurmountable and impossible was truly possible. I had to believe that I could beat the odds.
So I celebrate today in making it as far as I have. This is the longest stretch of no hospital visits since 2010. And that is something I really am excited about. I am beyond blessed...
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
He Goes With You
"Never will He hold your hand more tightly than when He is leading you through the dark."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free
I came across this quote just now and I wanted to write about it. I absolutely love the imagery.
To me, that is powerful because I am afraid of the dark. Pitch blackness terrifies me. It is the unknown... not knowing where you are, what you're doing, etc. I have been afraid of the dark ever since I was a little child. I fear night time. Some of the worst things that can happen to someone have happened to me in the dark. When I was left home alone as a teenager and neglected, I often would go around the house checking all the windows, looking to see if anyone was outside. This past week, I have had nightmares every single night. To me, darkness is synonymous to fear, terror and difficulties.
But the truth is that God has led me through some of the darkest situations that one can go through. Abuse. Homelessness. Loss and Grief. Neglect. Mental Illness. No doubt in my mind that He has held my hand through it all. He has led me through and each and every day, I am walking closer to the Light, to Him. He is guiding me, holding my hand and leading the way towards my freedom.
No matter how difficult things get today, never forget that God goes with you.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free
I came across this quote just now and I wanted to write about it. I absolutely love the imagery.
To me, that is powerful because I am afraid of the dark. Pitch blackness terrifies me. It is the unknown... not knowing where you are, what you're doing, etc. I have been afraid of the dark ever since I was a little child. I fear night time. Some of the worst things that can happen to someone have happened to me in the dark. When I was left home alone as a teenager and neglected, I often would go around the house checking all the windows, looking to see if anyone was outside. This past week, I have had nightmares every single night. To me, darkness is synonymous to fear, terror and difficulties.
But the truth is that God has led me through some of the darkest situations that one can go through. Abuse. Homelessness. Loss and Grief. Neglect. Mental Illness. No doubt in my mind that He has held my hand through it all. He has led me through and each and every day, I am walking closer to the Light, to Him. He is guiding me, holding my hand and leading the way towards my freedom.
No matter how difficult things get today, never forget that God goes with you.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Power of Prayer
"Recently I directed a three-day silent retreat... I met briefly with each woman and asked her to write on a sheet of paper the one grace that she would most like to receive from the Lord. A married woman...told me she wanted more than anything to actually experience just one time the love of God...
The following morning this woman (whom I'll call Winky) arose before dawn and went for a walk on the beach which was less than fifty yards from our house. Walking along the seashore barefoot, with the chilly waters of the Atlantic Ocean lapping against her feet and ankles, she noticed some one hundred yards away a teenage boy and a woman fifteen yards behind walking in her direction. In less than a minute the boy had passed by to her left, but the woman made an abrupt ninety-degree turn, walked straight toward Winky, embraced her deeply and kissed her on the cheek. She whispered 'I love you,' and continued on her way. Winky had never seen the woman before. Winky wandered along the beach for another hour before returning to the house. She knocked on my door. When I opened it, she was smiling. 'Our prayer was answered.' "
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
Do you ever have a moment in your life when your prayers are answered so obviously that you are just in amazement? Have your prayers ever been answered in an unexpected way?
On Sunday night, I went to a bible study with other graduate students and oddly enough, the conversation was about prayer. I think it's kind of odd that I put off reading the rest of the chapter in The Ragamuffin Gospel until now. I left off right at this story. As I read this powerful story, I was just amazed at how the woman's prayer was answered. Even more so because quite a few of my prayers have been answered in the past two days.
I am writing this on Monday night and editing it Tuesday morning, not my usual routine but I've done it a couple times. I wanted to write in the heat of the moment and I also feel like I am in the writing mood.
God answered my prayers in a big way today and I know he answered my mother's as well. That's because I shared some news with her and she was so excited that she was crying tears of joy. We both shared the excitement since we have both been praying about something in our lives and God answered in a strong way, much like the woman's prayers.
Sometimes you just never know when your prayers will be answered, but when God does answer them, all you can do is stand in awe and amazement.
I also posted on Sunday on my Facebook about my "funk" that I've been in lately. All I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day and all night, not do anything. I think it's a bout with depression. Anyway, I asked for prayers. Yesterday, my prayers were answered and today, I continue to be out of the "funk." I'm feeling better each day and the depression seems to have subsided.
Sometimes you just need to wait, but there is unimaginable power in prayer.
The following morning this woman (whom I'll call Winky) arose before dawn and went for a walk on the beach which was less than fifty yards from our house. Walking along the seashore barefoot, with the chilly waters of the Atlantic Ocean lapping against her feet and ankles, she noticed some one hundred yards away a teenage boy and a woman fifteen yards behind walking in her direction. In less than a minute the boy had passed by to her left, but the woman made an abrupt ninety-degree turn, walked straight toward Winky, embraced her deeply and kissed her on the cheek. She whispered 'I love you,' and continued on her way. Winky had never seen the woman before. Winky wandered along the beach for another hour before returning to the house. She knocked on my door. When I opened it, she was smiling. 'Our prayer was answered.' "
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
Do you ever have a moment in your life when your prayers are answered so obviously that you are just in amazement? Have your prayers ever been answered in an unexpected way?
On Sunday night, I went to a bible study with other graduate students and oddly enough, the conversation was about prayer. I think it's kind of odd that I put off reading the rest of the chapter in The Ragamuffin Gospel until now. I left off right at this story. As I read this powerful story, I was just amazed at how the woman's prayer was answered. Even more so because quite a few of my prayers have been answered in the past two days.
I am writing this on Monday night and editing it Tuesday morning, not my usual routine but I've done it a couple times. I wanted to write in the heat of the moment and I also feel like I am in the writing mood.
God answered my prayers in a big way today and I know he answered my mother's as well. That's because I shared some news with her and she was so excited that she was crying tears of joy. We both shared the excitement since we have both been praying about something in our lives and God answered in a strong way, much like the woman's prayers.
Sometimes you just never know when your prayers will be answered, but when God does answer them, all you can do is stand in awe and amazement.
I also posted on Sunday on my Facebook about my "funk" that I've been in lately. All I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day and all night, not do anything. I think it's a bout with depression. Anyway, I asked for prayers. Yesterday, my prayers were answered and today, I continue to be out of the "funk." I'm feeling better each day and the depression seems to have subsided.
Sometimes you just need to wait, but there is unimaginable power in prayer.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Powerful Prayer
I am mentally, physically and spiritually drained. A lot is happening in my life right now and I don't really know what to do except crawl up in a ball. The past few days, all I've wanted to do is sleep. I'm trying to figure out if it's just that I'm really tired or if I'm depressed or if it's the meds. Whatever it is, yesterday was the first day I felt a bit out of the "funk."
I just came across a prayer that I wrote in my journal last semester and I want to share it. I want to share it because I think it's awesome to see that God truly answered my prayer through some of my greatest difficulties last semester. He strengthened me in a way I never expected and it was very meaningful to read it this morning. It was a powerful reminder that God answers prayer and helps us through difficulties.
Lord, I don't know what you are going to do through me but I keep praying and trusting that you will take all of the garbage that's happened in my life and help me to become who you want me to be. Thank you so much for the ways you are healing me and transforming me. I ask that you continue to mold me and remind me that I am cleansed and redeemed. I am not a little child anymore. I am not a lonely teenager anymore. I am your precious child and I thank you for ever single day that I live, even the most difficult ones- even the ones when I ask myself why I am still fighting. I know that you are on my side and I have felt you in so many ways these last few weeks...
I pray that you would take away the anxiety and fill me with your peace which surpasses all understanding. I pray that you continue to strengthen me every day and give me the courage and bravery I need to overcome all of this. Please help me not listen or give into the enemy's attacks because I know that good will win. I know that I am not a victim, but a victor in you.
Please remind me of positive things in my life when the evil and bad memories come. Please tranform the pain and darkness in my life into joy, peace and love. Please let me see your light even in the darkest times. Let me never lose sight of the hope I can only find in You.
Continue to heal me, restore me, trasnform me, mold me, cleanse me, redeem me and refresh me.
I just came across a prayer that I wrote in my journal last semester and I want to share it. I want to share it because I think it's awesome to see that God truly answered my prayer through some of my greatest difficulties last semester. He strengthened me in a way I never expected and it was very meaningful to read it this morning. It was a powerful reminder that God answers prayer and helps us through difficulties.
Lord, I don't know what you are going to do through me but I keep praying and trusting that you will take all of the garbage that's happened in my life and help me to become who you want me to be. Thank you so much for the ways you are healing me and transforming me. I ask that you continue to mold me and remind me that I am cleansed and redeemed. I am not a little child anymore. I am not a lonely teenager anymore. I am your precious child and I thank you for ever single day that I live, even the most difficult ones- even the ones when I ask myself why I am still fighting. I know that you are on my side and I have felt you in so many ways these last few weeks...
I pray that you would take away the anxiety and fill me with your peace which surpasses all understanding. I pray that you continue to strengthen me every day and give me the courage and bravery I need to overcome all of this. Please help me not listen or give into the enemy's attacks because I know that good will win. I know that I am not a victim, but a victor in you.
Please remind me of positive things in my life when the evil and bad memories come. Please tranform the pain and darkness in my life into joy, peace and love. Please let me see your light even in the darkest times. Let me never lose sight of the hope I can only find in You.
Continue to heal me, restore me, trasnform me, mold me, cleanse me, redeem me and refresh me.
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