To Share or Not to Share

"In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors- specifically rape and incest survivors- kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor's visits decreased and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones."
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Wow. Does any of this surprise you?

Many people wonder why I am so vocal about the abuse I survived as a child. Some say that I should not share what I've been through. But this research shows that people who have been abused should share what they've been through.

It is healthy to share...

Sometimes it's scary to share your story but it is a huge relief when others understand what you've been through or they can relate. It's a huge relief when people take the time to understand and listen. It helps a ton actually. Knowing that you're not alone in the fight makes the fight all the more worth it.

Nostalgia

"We are often comparing our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media-driven visions of perfection, or we're holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it. Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: 'Remember when...? Those were the days...'"
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Hey guys! It's been quite a few days since I posted a blog. I apologize. It's because I honestly ran out of things to say. I didn't want to repeat myself and I kind of hit what they call a writer's block.

I just started reading Brene's book and I can NOT put it down. She makes so many great points about vulnerability. It is a very well-written book.

I chose this quote because for me, lately, nostalgia is hitting me hard. I am dealing with severe weight gain because of my medications, one in particular, Zyprexa. It is known to make people always hungry. I often think of a year ago, when I was down to 105 pounds and I miss that time. I miss being light as a feather in some ways. I was able to run 6 minute miles. I was able to run up stairs. I never got out of breath. I could run 5 miles straight in 15 minutes. I miss the freedom. I miss the wind whipping in my face.

To be truthfully honest, I miss my mania at times. But not enough to go off my meds. I just miss the photographic memory. I miss the running. I miss feeling invincible. I miss feeling like nothing can stop me.

Now I feel so... ordinary...

Anyways, I went to my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time since 2010 and updated her on the past few years. Without even saying anything, she said we would be lowering my Zyprexa, because she said I am on a very high dose. I'm hoping this will help some with my weight gain. But at the same time I don't want it to affect my paranoia/psychosis. I am scared to go down a bit. But I am also scared about the health effects of being overweight.

It feels like there is no winning.

I guess the winning is that I've been out of the hospital for 10 and a half months. That's a big step forward. No matter how much I miss my mania, it is not enough to make me go off the meds and go back to the hospital. I just want stability without weight gain and my psychiatrist told me yesterday that there are other options.

Just keep moving forward...

Unbeatable

"In a tornado, you not only have to look out for the tremendous winds, but also whatever the winds pick up and hurl in your direction. Like a tornado, alcoholism often brings along additional problems, including verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, illness, debt, prison, infidelity and even death...When facing a difficult situation, let me remember that my Higher Power speaks through other people. I don't have to face it alone."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 16 Devotion

I really liked today's quote because it reminded me of something I watched last night, the Syracuse basketball game against NC State.

The game was way too close for comfort and Cuse was going for a record of unbeaten games, 25-0. They had a lot riding on the game and NC State definitely gave them a run for their money. The teams tied at least 12 times during the game.

Towards the end of the game, I felt my heart beat faster. The adrenaline rushed through my body. With twelve seconds in the game left, Cuse was down by 1. My friend, who I was texting back and forth throughout the game said they should go for a 3 pointer. I said no, they've been missing those too much. All they needed to win was 2 points.

And Tyler Ennis got those two points. But it wasn't over. With 6 seconds left, NC State rushed to their side of the court and tried to get a shot but missed. And the rest is history...

25-0. Unbeatable. Unreal. Amazing.

I'm kind of new to basketball. I only really started watching it lately because 1) my friend, Justin, got me into watching Cuse basketball games and 2) they are my alma mater and I am excited about how well they are doing.

The one thing that really stuck out to me is that there are some really difficult situations in basketball. Cuse was down by 5 points at one point in the game and I honestly got really nervous, but they worked together and kept their unbeatable record. This is just like how we have to work together in life to beat the seemingly impossible odds.

With Christ in our lives, we can overcome anything...We are not in this alone.

Attitude of Gratitude

"I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 14 Devotion

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

Secondly, I am pretty much snowed in, with Northern NJ receiving over a foot of snow yesterday.

I don't really like being snowed in because I didn't get to see all of my friends yesterday. But regradless, I got to talk to most of them on Facebook.

The quote above reminded me of how far I have come. We may not always get to change our circumstances when we want to, but we can definitely control how we react to our situations. Attitude determines a lot. We have to get up and face each day regardless of what comes our way.

I love gratitude and being thankful for every good thing in life. Gratitude is so important in determining how we live our lives. It is so much better to be thankful for stuff than to be stuck in a pity party.

I am very thankful for where I am now. It's been over 10 months since I got out of the hospital,. Every day I am excited to wake up. I get to see my friends and I have been applying to many jobs. I have had time to relax and regroup after finishing my Masters and I am ready for whatever job comes my way.

Beautiful Friendships

"I know that I was pulled from despair by the love of strangers who quickly became friends."
-Courage to Change, Feb. 11 Devotion

I have made quite a few friends since I came home to NJ a few months ago. Every day, I go to my friend's store (she owns the store) and meet up with a few friends to eat lunch together. I run some errands for a friend. We laugh and tell stories together. Lately, I've been reading a Chicken Soup book to them. I am so grateful to them for the time we spend together. I couldn't imagine being alone now that I feel the love that they show towards me.

I also have friends who live nearby and I go to their house usually in the afternoon to watch the Olympics together. There are four of them who live in a house together. I love visiting them and watching together. We laugh together and just enjoy each other's company.

It is interesting that we used to be strangers but we definitely all quickly became friends. I even remember seeing one of my friends around the lake before I finally met them and now we are really good friends.

Needless to say, I am extremely fortunate to have the friends that I do. They make every day fun and full of joy. It is an absolute blessing to be their friend.

10 Months

Well, today marks 10 months since I left the hospital...

A lot has happened since then. I finished graduate school, I moved home, and I made some friends. I can't believe how far I've  come in a short time. I can't even believe I'm celebrating 10 months and I'm almost to a year. I feel like I am celebrating even more than my 10 month anniversary.

Thank you for your prayers, love and support through everything. I couldn't have made it this far without everyone in my life.

Every day is a new adventure and I really am excited at where I'm at right now. Almost on cloud nine. Things are going really well. I'm ecstatic to be able to watch the Olympics with my friends and we are planning to see The Lego Movie soon. I can honestly say I have the best friends in the world, including my brother.

I can say from experience that you can't let your situations define you or stop you from achieving your dreams. No matter what comes your way, keep moving forward and things will work out. God will take care of you and bless you beyond belief. No matter what, keep trusting God... He never fails.

Willing to Change

"I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 8 Devotion

I believe this is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I constantly wanted to fix things. I wanted to change other peoples' behavior.

But I quickly learned that it was up to the other people to change. They had to be willing to change, or else they wouldn't change.

It is always important to know that you can control your own behavior and attitudes. This is what makes all the difference in life. Controlling your own emotions and  behaviors is half the battle.

I can't change the behavior of my family members, but I can change my attitude towards them in order to move forward. They may not be perfect, but who is? I take it one day at a time and remind myself that I am in charge of myself, no one else. Once I realized that it is my own attitude that I am in charge of, it has made all the difference.
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Small Steps

"Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself... My goal is simply to move in a  positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 7 Devotion

Slow and steady wins the race. Many of you probably have heard of that quote. I believe it really does ring true in our lives.

I have really moved forward in a lot of ways these past few months. And it began with small steps, like taking my medication every day. We don't need to make big leaps forward every day, just small and steady steps forward.

I am currently working on a book and it's a huge project. I've been working on it a little at a time and I am reminded that I am getting somewhere even though it does not always feel like I am. It is the little steps that add up to a book.

I also am looking for jobs and each resume that I send out is a small step forward, hopefully leading to me getting a job, which would be a huge leap forward.

Trust me when I say that the small steps add up...

Love of God

"In a world filled with turmoil and hopelessness, we are to pray, and we are to do all we can to alleviate suffering and bring Christ's love to others."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 6 Devotion

I know quite a few people who are suffering.

It is our duty on this earth to help others and make sure others know about the love of God. We make His love known through how we live our lives.

In every interaction we have, we have an opportunity to shine Christ's light and love in this world. We have a choice to make of whether or not we want to help others.

I think it is a privilege to be able to help others. Every day, I try to make sure I help at least one person. It's not how good I am but how good God is.

Some know that I have been close to death a few times. I often feel as if I am on borrowed time. So I make the most of every day...

Snow, Snow and More Snow

Snow, snow and more snow!....

The weatherman said we'd only get 2-3 inches these past few days and we got 9 inches. Then it started snowing again last night and is still snowing. Then we're supposed to get more snow on Sunday. I don't know what's up with this weather, but I don't remember it snowing this much as a kid. Snow days were rare when I went to school.

However annoying this snow is, it is absolutely mesmerizing at times. I had to go to the mall to deposit a check yesterday and it was like driving through a winter wonderland. The trees with the white powdery snow looked gorgeous and majestic.

It is amazing how the snow transforms the whole landscape in a few hours. It never ceases to amaze me. My friends in Florida who have never experienced snow are missing out.

I had another great day yesterday. When I was at the mall, I met a deaf person at the bus stop who asked me to call a taxi because they couldn't talk on the phone. I got the taxi for them and they were so thankful. It was such a blessing to be able to help someone.

This weather may be driving many people nuts but I'm just going to continue to read the books I have out from the library. What can I say? I love reading... 

It's just another snuggle-up-in-blankets-and-read kind of day.

On the Other Side

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!! My excitement still is not ending...

I went outside to shovel yesterday morning and I ended up bumping into the mailman. He gave me a pile of envelopes and then he said, "There's something else." He reached inside his bag and took out a big brown roll. It said "University of Florida," so I knew it was my diploma. Along with that, I got my W-2 so I can get a tax return and the refund of my security deposit from my last apartment...

So all in all, I loved the mailman yesterday. He was the bearer of good news, unlike most days where he is the bearer of bills.

My diploma is bee-yoo-tee-ful.

It is everything I worked hard for in the past year and a half...

It means a whole lot more because of the challenges that I had to overcome in order to finish. I had four hospitalizations in the last two years of college and then five hospitalizations in my year and a half of graduate school. I suffer from severe mental illness, but that has not stopped me from achieving my dreams.

I knew I had a choice to make the last time I was released from the hospital. They wanted to put me in a state hospital and I said "no way. I am finishing what I started."

And I did....

Yesterday, I kept finding myself looking at my diploma again and again, just to make sure it was real. I can't even believe that I did it. I can and I can't. It's just so awesome that God helped me get through everything and that I came out on the other side.

I <3 life.

Icing on the Cake

Yesterday lived up to my dreams, actually beyond my dreams.

I visited my brother, as planned, and he is doing much better. I had a wonderful visit with him, full of nonstop laughter, smiles and hugs. It was absolutely delightful.

Then last night, I went to my friends' house. We hung out and watched the Superbowl. Two of my friends and I were rooting for the Seattle Seahawks and two other people at the house were rooting for the Broncos (not happily, of course).

We had so much food last night I think that I will be full for a few days. Seriously. We had Chex Mix, chips, hot wings, sausage bread, pasta and sausage, sausage and spinach pie, and to top it off, Smores (my favorite). Every time I turned around I had a new plate in front of me. It got to the point that I literally could not eat anymore. It seemed like we had two courses every quarter.

I am so blessed to have these friends and that my brother is getting better. My brother told me I'm his best friend a few days ago. We are incredibly close and we talk at least once a day (most times, twice a day).

One of the things I am most excited about is the fact that none of my friends here in town drink. I was not pressured at all to drink. We had a ton of fun without drinking, just sitting and talking and watching the game. Needless to say, it was exciting that the Seahawks won by a landslide.... That was just icing on the cake (which luckily, we did not eat).

I just feel so incredibly blessed. I don't think it could honestly get any better than this...

Unreal

Ahhhhh!!!!!!! I am so excited!

This morning I am going to visit my brother, Andy. I haven't seen him in probably about a month and I could not be more ecstatic to see him. He's making some progress and I am proud of him in many ways, but there still is a road ahead.

Not only that but I am hanging out with some of my friends tonight to watch the Superbowl. These are the kind of friends where I feel so much better after visiting them. They are a pleasure to hang out with and we all are rooting for the same team- Seattle Seahawks. Not only are the Seahawks kind of an underdog (don't think they've ever won a Superbowl), but every time I turn there is something inspiring about the players. One of the players even is legally deaf.

The last bit of news is very exciting. In the first time ever in my many years of going to counseling/therapy, my therapist wants to see me only once a month. She said I am doing incredibly well. She said at first she was scared I am sitting around the house reading all day, but I told her about my adventures with my various friends in town (I have friends that I eat lunch with every day). While Rockaway is not the most exciting place to live, I have made quite a few friends here. I have a blast every day.

I am still waiting to hear about the new jobs I applied to. I've applied to about 40 jobs in NYC and around northern NJ, so I am just in the process of waiting. I have only heard from 3 jobs so far. I am not losing hope and continuing to move forward.

And you know what I figured out yesterday?! I only have 9 more days to 10 months without a hospitalization. Only 2 more months until my birthday, the day that I celebrate a year without a hospitalization. Unreal...

Life is Beautiful

"You will never live this day again; once it is gone, it is gone forever."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 1 Devotion

Just those few words are very powerful.

We will never live today again, so we need to make the most of today as we live it.

Lately, I have been making the most of every day. I'm on my 15th book of the year and I have a stack of books from the library to read. I absolutely love reading. I am currently reading a bunch of books from a series called S.A.S.S., about girls who study abroad in different countries. I love it because there's always something about the country that intrigues me. I love going around the world without even leaving the comfort of my sofa.

I am really excited too because yesterday, I applied to about 10 more jobs. A few of them are my dream job, working in a lab doing cancer research. I am ecstatic because I met all of the criteria for all the jobs I applied to so I am just in the waiting mode now.

Everything is working out beautifully and I am ecstatic to see what happens.

Life truly is beautiful...