Hippy Jesus

"Jesus was drawn to those who were powerless, those who were marginalized, those who needed help and admitted it. The same is true today."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

As I read this just a few minutes ago, I was reminded of many conversations that I've had over the years with friends about Jesus and what He stood/stands for.

A few months ago, I was talking to one friend who is an atheist, he said that he liked my idea of Christ, much like the one above, calling it a "Hippy Jesus." I do not necessarily think of Jesus as a hippy but rather someone who cares and understands us on a deeper level than anyone can. He accepts our faults and loves us regardless of them. He welcomes the ones who others do not welcome. He opens his arms to all and loves the marginalized, the hurt and the desperate.

One reason I like this quote is that Jesus was drawn to "those who needed help and admitted it." The first step of AA is that people realize that they need help. They become willing to fix what they are doing wrong in order to become better people. Jesus opens his arms to those who seek help.

We all have faults but Jesus looks past them and loves us as we are.

Today, instead of finding faults in others, embrace those who you would not normally embrace, love those who you would not usually love and share the love of God with everyone you encounter.

Not My Fault

"The truth is that the things that came out of the heart of your abuser were the things that made him or her unclean. The abuse did not come from you, and it does not make you dirty."
-Diane Langberg, On the Threshold of Hope

As many of you know, I was abused in every way as a child. For many years, I have blamed myself and thought of myself as dirty. Rereading this quote was inspirational to me this morning.

Why?

Well, it puts the blame not on the absued but on the abuser.

It has taken me many years to get to the point that I am not blaming myself for what happened. I still do from time to time. "There must be something wrong with me... Why did it happen to me? I must have done something wrong..." Those types of thoughts invade my very being.

But as I continue to realize, it was not my fault and everything that happens that has been caused by the abuse is not my fault either.

It has taken a long time to get here, but I am moving forward.

Side Effects

I found out yesterday that I passed my second exam, actually getting a score that was above the average.

This was no small feat.

You see, I have side effects from the medications that make schoolwork much harder than it is when I'm off the medications. Mainly, I have very intense memory problems. I can study for 8 hours, sit down at the test and forget everything that I learned. What normally took me 2 hours to study now takes about 15 hours. My memory was kind of thrown out the window with the medications.

So why take the medications?

Because they cause me to be stable and take away my mental illness, my psychosis and some of my paranoia. In order to function, I need to take the medications, even if they make things harder.

Yes, it's frustrating, but I know that if I work hard enough, I will be able to pass my classes this semester in order to graduate.

Last semester, I was challenged with many hospitalizations. This semester, I have had no hospitalizations but I am being challenged with the medication side effects.

Needless to say, I live for challenges. Being challenged makes successes all the more meaningful.

Stories and Voices

"Their struggle to find words is often slow and terrifying. At the same time there seems to be a drive to give witness to the truth, and it has been very clear that giving voice to their stories and the depth of their suffering has been a major vehicle for healing in their lives."
-Diane Langberg, On the Threshold of Hope

Have you ever had a chance to tell your story?

If not, it is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Last Wednesday, I spoke about my testimony to God at my church and how God has worked in the deepest and darkest moments of my life. A few years ago, I spoke at Take Back the Night, a gathering to give voices to those who have been abused. When I was a teenager, I remember the first time I told some of my story at a retreat. Not an eye was dry, tears were flowing. One of the main reasons I blog every day is to give voice to my struggles and to process them in a positive way.

Whatever your story is, whatever struggles you have been through, give voice to them. You have fought through difficulties to get where you are and that is incredible and should be shared.

I want to leave you challenged to share your story, whatever that may be. Because the more we hide our struggles, the more the stigmas proceed and the more our true voices are shut down.

Deliverance

"Whatever your story, however you managed to survive, whatever has been done to you, or by you, he has delivered, he will deliver, and he will continue to deliver."
-On the Threshold of Hope, Diane Langberg

I couldn't think of what to write about so I looked through some quotes I had written from books I have read and this quote spoke to me this morning.

Sometimes it's hard when we are going through difficulties to remember that God loves us and that He wants to deliver us. Sometimes it's hard to even believe that He has delivered us.

What does it mean to be delivered?, I thought to myself...

Dictionary.com says it means to be emancipated, rescued, redeemed or released. The first words that came to my mind were "to be set free." God allows us to be set free from the misery and hardships that we face. He sets us free from the captivity.

In my own life, I have been through more traumatic experiences than I can count on one hand. A few months ago, I went to the therapist to start working with her and I had to fill out a form about all of the trauma I've faced. There were only two out of something like 11 traumatic experiences that I haven't been through. Needless to say, I have had to be set free from a lot.

God wants to free us. He doesn't want us to be stuck in the past, replaying the traumatic experiences or difficulties we've gone through. He wants us to, as my pastor says, be "happy, healthy and whole." He wants us to move forward.

Blessing to Others

I apologize beforehand for this post being brief... I have two exams next week that need to be studied for.

I spent the last two hours donating platelets. It means more than words can say to be able to donate blood, to know that I am helping save lives.

I was amazed by how many people were there this morning. There were about 6 other people today. Usually I am the only one. It was a complete blessing to see everyone donating.

My challenge for you today and in the coming days is to do something nice for others. Take time out to do a random act of kindness. It does not have to be big. It can be small. Just do something nice for others.

God calls us to be a blessing to others during our short time here on earth. So in the famous words of Nike, "Just do it."

Hard Pressed on Every Side

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;

perplexed but not in despair;

persecuted but not abandoned;

struck down but not destroyed."

-2 Corinthians 4:8-9

As I read this Bible verse this morning, I was reminded of all the times I thought something was impossible and yet God allowed me to do the impossible.

I can't believe I'm going to graduate with my Masters in a month and a half. I am doing it for all the people who have ever been told they couldn't do something. I am doing it for all the people who were told they would never make it. I am doing it for all the people who, like me, have had great difficulties in their lives and just want to be successful.

For sure, I've had moments when I was hard pressed on every side, perplexed, persecuted and struck down. But I keep moving forward. I am not destroyed. Abuse, neglect, loss, homelessness, mental illness... they haven't stopped me from achieving my dreams.

By God's grace, I continue to move forward. God truly allows us to do the impossible. Through God, I've been able to lift myself up after a fall.

When people hear my story, I do not want them to think about all I've been through. Instead, I want them to see how big God is and how He has truly helped me achieve the impossible.

Rescued: My Testimony

Here is my testimony that I gave at worship last night...

Some say that you can see inside someone’s soul when you look into their eyes. I’ve thought about this quote and often wondered if people can see inside my soul. Can they see all of the pain and hurt that I have dealt with throughout my life?

As a child, I was abused by multiple family members. I literally had to fight for my life from the age of 3. When I was a teenager, I was neglected and eventually became homeless, living in numerous homes of friends. I lost my oldest brother, who was a drug addict and dealer, to suicide when I was a senior in high school. I grew up in a family ravaged by drugs and alcohol. I have been hospitalized ten times. Many of you may remember last semester, when I was hospitalized four times. I have most recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Where does God come into all of these struggles? Where does He come into all of the pain I’ve endured?

The answer is that God is redeeming me every single day. He is opening my heart up and helping me move forward each and every day. He is healing me in ways I never expected were possible. I would not have the strength to get through each day if it were not for him. God has brought hope into my life when I have felt the most hopeless. Thanks to Him, I graduated at the top of my class in college and am set to graduate with my Masters this December. People have told me that I should not even be able to function, and yet, I am beating the odds and moving towards what God has planned for me.

I want to end with a story of something that happened when I was six years old because I think it illustrates something very powerful that I’ve seen evident in my life, especially this past year.

There had been a car accident up the street from my childhood home. My brothers went up the street to check on what was happening and my mother left me alone in the house. Soon after she left, I saw smoke on the ceiling. My mind and body turned on survival mode and I went to the front door. It was locked and I couldn’t reach the door handle anyway. I went on the deck out back but there were no stairs to go down. I then realized that if I wanted to survive, I had to go into the kitchen, the worst room in the house because my mom had left the stove on. By that time, smoke was all throughout the home, but I went into the kitchen, found a trash can, tipped it over, stood on top of it and called 911.

The firefighters told my mother that if I had called any later, I might have died.

I tell this story because sometimes we have to go through the most difficult storms and fight the hardest fights in order to move forward and to see how deep, how wide , how long, and how high God’s love really is for us. There are no words to describe what it was like to be rescued from that fire by the firefighters. God rescues us as well. God has rescued me from a lot.

 It is through the grace of God that we move forward through our struggles.

Always Keep Going

Have you ever heard the saying, "If you fall down, just get back up"? "If at first you don't succeed, try again?"

Those sayings have been going through my mind a lot lately.

This October may be the first October since 2008 that I am not hospitalized. For some reason, October is the most difficult month of the year for me. This October has been one of the most difficult this year, but I have stayed out of the hospital.

Last night, I ordered my cap and gown for graduation. In a little over a month and a half, I am set to graduate with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering. Graduation is becoming real. I am actually graduating early, despite being hospitalized 5 times my first year of graduate school and dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar and PTSD on a daily basis. Needless to say, my excitement is coarsing through my veins.

One of my favorite mottos is "never give up." Always keep going, no matter what comes your way. Trust that God has plans that are bigger and greater than anything you can imagine. I told a friend yesterday that I believe that God is intricately working everything for our good. It does not mean we will not have struggles, but it does mean that we serve a God who cares about us very deeply. It means that He looks out for us every step of the way.

Always keep going.

Never give up.

Keep pressing on.

Make Something Beautiful

Three days after my brother was found, my anxiety is still running high and it's hard to concentrate at some times. I guess the adrenaline is still running through my system.

I had a chance to talk to him last night, which helped a lot. If you've ever known someone who went missing for a few days, there really are no words to express what it is like to talk to them again. The joy is overwhelming. I am used to talking to my brother 2-4 times a day so to go without talking to him for 5 days was something that was nearly impossible.

I have to continue to trust God that he will recover and heal, just as I have these past few months. I hope and pray that he feels better.

My mom kept telling me to listen to the following song this past week. The song is Natalie Grant's Burn Bright.

The lyrics that spoke to me most were:

"You can rise up from the ashes
Make something beautiful
Of all the broken pieces."

So often we feel broken and we don't think we can keep going or we think we can't move forward or we think that we're too broken. Through God, we can find the strength we need to keep going. Through God, we can find the will to make something beautiful out of the broken pieces.

The Troughs

October 21, 2009 is a day that I will never forget. It is the day that I nearly lost my life. I cannot believe it has been 4 years. I fractured multiple vertebrae in my back and suffered a liver laceration and a hematoma after falling over 40 feet. The doctors thought I may never walk again.

I walked 2 days after my fall.

Yesterday, my Facebook status was "As many tragedies and difficult things my family has been through, there are even more miracles. Thanks be to God!"

My life has had many downs, but God has been with me and my family every step of the way, guiding us, loving us, helping us...

As some of you know, I am in two Bible studies. For one of them, we are reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. In one of the chapters we read for last night's study, he talks about the ups and downs of life, the undulation of life.

"It may surprise you to learn that in [God's] efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs more than on the peaks."
-C.S. Lewis

I have to say that I feel God on a much deeper level when I am in a "trough." During multiple times last week when my brother was missing, I felt a sense of peace which completely surpassed all understanding. I relied on God during that time in a way that I only rely on Him during rough times. I made it through that time without going to the hsopital because of God's strength inside of me. His presence, His love, His light inside of me.

I want to leave with a song that helped me get through last week. It came on the Christian radio station and I ended up downloading it so I could listen to it all the time. It helped me to put my trust in God and to move through the trough that I was in.

Found

Wow!

All I can say is wow.

There is just no other explanation. No other word to express what I'm feeling.

My mother called me twice last night- once to tell me Andy was alive and the next to say that the police got him and that he was headed to the hospital.

I am amazed at how God worked in the situation. Just utterly amazed.

The night that my brother went missing, I was at a worship service and they played a song called Hurricane by Natalie Grant. As I posted a few days ago, the words "He'll find you in a hurricane" spoke to me. These words spoke to me because I had to trust that God would find Andy in the "hurricane" in his mind. The confusion. The chaos. What made it even more crazy was that my mother was at a Natalie Grant concert at the same time.

Throughout the past few days I've been listening to the Christian radio station here in Florida and every single time I turned it on, no matter if it was for 10 minutes or 30 minutes, they played "Hurricane" while I was listening and I knew God was telling me something. 

God was telling me to trust.

Yesterday, I took a nap for most of the day, which was surprising to me because I had no idea how I could sleep through what was happening. All I can say was that I was worn out. But when I woke up, I felt this incredible sense of hope and peace that could only be understood if you felt it. Out of nowhere, the swirling of emotions and fears and doubts was quieted and washed away. I was filled with hope for the first time since he went missing.

In the state that Andy was in, the miracle that he was able to get around the city unharmed is a miracle that I will never fully understand.

Today, I am incredibly grateful for the prayers and support that I and my mother have received during the longest 4 days of our lives.

Your prayers and support helped guide Andy back home...

Missing (cont'd)

We're going in to day 3 that my brother has been missing. I am trying to maintain as much hope as I can that he's okay, but with every passing moment it gets more difficult. As my mom said last night, it's a journey of ups and downs.

I asked my mom last night if I should fly home to NJ to help search for him, but she said there's not much for me to do so I should stay in Florida. I feel helpless, scared and worn out. The only reason I slept pretty well last night is that I haven't slept well the past few nights.

I've been trying to hold back the tears when I'm around others but it's getting more difficult to do that. It would be easier if I hadn't lost my oldest brother to suicide. My fears for Andrew are there and very real.

I've been hanging out at my church a lot lately, just trying to be around people and not stuck in my apartment dwelling on what's going on.

I think the greatest thing that has come out of this situation is the outpouring of prayers and support. People have reached out to me from all areas of my life and I really appreciate it.

All we can do now is hope and pray.

Please keep praying and sharing the photo on my Facebook (seen below).

Missing

We're going into day 2 that my brother has been missing. I'm just trying to process what's going on, while going to my classes and trying to find some sense of normalcy in this difficult time. I met with a therapist yesterday on campus and talked with my therapist on the phone. This is honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever been through and it's kind of surreal. It's one of those things you see on the news and never expect it to happen in your own life.

I am trying my hardest to trust God at this time.

If you could pray for my family and me, especially for the safety and well-being of my brother, I would greatly appreciate it. We are just trying to get through this and find my brother safely.

Here is a picture of my brother. If you see him, please contact the West Orange police at 973-325-4000 or your local police.

Works All Things For Good

God works all things for good.

Last night, I was at a Bible study and we were talking about trusting God. Towards the end of the Bible study, I received some very difficult news. I nearly broke down.

I had to put my full trust in God.

After Bible study, there was worship and they played Hurricane by Natalie Grant. The words of the song really struck me, especially the following lyrics...

"He'll find you in the hurricane."

I was so worried and anxious and worn out, but God spoke to me through those few words and said that everything will be alright. He said that no matter how chaotic, how confusing, how stressful, how out of control things get, that He is God and He will take care of me and my loved ones.

He said, Trust me, I got this...

Needless to say, it was the exact song I needed to hear. And the craziest thing is that my mom was at a Natalie Grant concert last night.

Again, God works all things for good.

Worst Case Scenario-Izing

The good part about catastrophizing is that when you expect the worst and it does not happen, you are overwhelmed with joy that you would not have if you were not catastrophizing.

I wrote this on my Facebook last night after spending 3 hours at the dentist yesterday.

To say I was anxious about my dentist appointment is quite an understatement. But I went anyway. I hadn't been to a dentist in over a year and I knew my teeth had gotten worse. I thought the worse and so I kept putting off going to the dentist.

To say I was relieved to get some good news is also an understatement. During my catastrophizing and "worst-case-scenario"-izing, I had come up with the worst case scenario... I'm going to have to get all my teeth pulled, then I won't be able to pay for dentures, then I won't get a job, then I won't have insurance, then I won't be able to pay for my psychiatric medications, then I'll end up homeless and on the streets and then I'll die from a tooth infection....

And yeah... that does not seem to be reality.

I think I started castastrophizing as a child as a coping mechanism... Think the worst, then when it doesn't come true, you're happy. I think it's good sometimes to be prepared.

However, I also think it's not healthy to be in constant fear and worry of the worst. I was absolutely dreading yesterday's appointment for the past two weeks. "The 15th" kept going through my head with the music from Jaws running in the background.

Sometimes we need to let go and let God. We need to trust that God really does have our back and that He will take care of us. At one point in my appointment, during the X-rays, I prayed to God and I put all of my trust in Him. From that point on, I knew I would be okay.

Intricately Woven

There is a little pond near my apartment that I go to in order to calm down and spend time with God. It is closer than the lake so I tend to go there more often.

Yesterday, I went to the pond and as always, I pass by about 3 different construction areas. I've passed by these construction areas and watched the buildings be built. To put it simply, construction is one of the most messiest but beautiful and intricate things I have ever encountered.

God spoke to me last night as I walked by the construction areas.

Sometimes our lives seem messy but God is intricately weaving everything together for our good. Things may seem out of place or wrong at times, but God is working all things for our good.

In construction, they use all sizes of instruments to get the work done. In the same way, God uses big things in our lives and small things in our lives to speak to us and help us move forward into the plans He has for us. He uses everything our paths to build us up. Nothing is too small or too big to be used by God.

If you ever stop by a construction site, stop and see how beautiful it really is. I have watched an entire building being built by the pond and I am in absolute awe of the work they've done. It is beautiful seeing an idea or concept become reality. It is so cool to watch something come out of nothing. It is wonderful to see the workers work together.

Nothing Is Too Big

I went to the pond yesterday and went on the swings. I go there often to talk with God and calm down if I'm anxious.

As I was swinging, I thought about how far I've come these past few years. I thought about the fact that I've been hospitalized 9 times in the past 4 years, and yet I'm still graduating with my Masters in December. I was hospitalized 4 times in college and 5 times last year, in my first year of graduate school.

Mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar and PTSD) isn't stopping me from achieving my dreams.

I refuse to let something stop me from the dreams God has given me.

I thought about how "unstoppable" we really can be when we rely on God and the strength He gives us. The one word that most of the people who hear my story say about me is "resilient," but my resilience truly comes from God.

If you want to know my secret, I don't have one, other than continually talking to God and relying on Him to get through each day. 

And I don't give up. No matter how hard the fight is.

God can get you through anything. Nothing is too big for our God.

What Love Is

"No one has ever done more to show you that you were unloved than God has done to show you that you are loved."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Have you ever been hurt? Have you ever been in pain because of someone else? Have you ever had someone say something that made you cry because it hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered what love really is?

I have and I'm sure you probably have.

But as much as others have hurt you, God has shown you love even more. I know this is true for me.

I think it's quite a miracle actually.

God has shown me love through the most difficult circumstances someone could go through. He has shown me His grace and mercy in the most challenging and arduous times. He has shown me what love is when I didn't know what it was. He has brought people into my life that showed me what it means to be loved.

Meeting God

Have you ever had a place where you "met God?" A place where you felt a peace and calm which surpassed all understanding? A place where you felt God in a whole new way?

I have.

And that place is a lake on campus.

I walked by this lake for the first time last semetser when I was on my way to the Counseling Center during a crisis. It was quite possibly my worst point last semester but when I walked by the lake, a peace washed over me.  Its beauty overwhelmed me. I was thinking about this when I visited the lake on the 6-month anniversary of being out of the hospital a few days ago.

Many people know that last semester, I dealt with severe paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia. The lake was where I met God through all of those challenges. God spoke to me on a whole new level when I went to the lake. He spoke to me through the animals, the sunsets and the sunrises. I spent most of my time at the lake. It is not an overstatement to say that the lake was one of the major reasons I got through last semester.

One of my favorite points at the lake was during one of my lowest points. I had just gotten off of the phone with my mom and it was not a good conversation. At that point, I was trying to stay out of the hospital. So I went to the lake. I was met by a white bird and as soon as I saw it, my anxiety was washed away and I felt at peace.

God used the white birds to get me through the most difficult times. Often, when I went to the lake, one or two of them would come up to me and just be there with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that they represent the Holy Spirit. I get so excited when I see white birds and to this day, I still feel a sense of calm when I see them.

God can use anything to get us through our difficult times on this earth and for me, He used the lake and the gators, the white birds, the yellow butterflies, and the turtles. He used the sunsets and the sunrises to remind me of how powerful and majestic He is.

Here are some photos of the lake that I took when I was there a few days ago...

Just A Closer Walk With Thee

"The spirituality of wonder knows the world is charged with grace, that while sin and war, disease and death are terribly real, God's loving presence and power in our midst are even more real."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

No matter how difficult things get in your life, no matter how frustrating things seem, no matter how it seems like the bad stuff in your life will never end, God's grace and power are real.

I know because I've been there. I've been in moments where I thought the evil would never end. I thought the bad stuff would never stop. But God has rescued me and shown me His grace and power. It doesn't mean the difficulties necessarily end. But God has shown me that He is present in our deepest and darkest moments. He has been present with me throughout the most difficult times in my life and He continues to be.

The following song is my favorite version of two mixed songs, songs that I have listened to many times throughout my life.

Selah- Precious Lord, Take My Hand/Just a Closer Walk With Thee

Six Months!

This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I had been in and out of the hospital 4 times since January and I struggled and wondered if the cycle of hospital visits would ever stop. Each hospital visit, my doctors tried a new mixture of medications to get rid of my paranoia and psychosis. Together, we struggled to bring me back to stability.

This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I never thought that today would come. You see, today marks 6 months since my last hospital visit! Half a year. Something I never thought possible.  The road to today has not been the easiest and I often still struggle with symptoms of my disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar, PTSD, possible autism), but I am still making it through without going to the hospital.

I will never forget the day that I was released. It was my 24th birthday and I guess my birthday present was my new diagnosis of schizophrenia and bipolar, formally known in combination as schizoaffective disorder. I struggled at first when I got out, but it's gotten easier over time. Sometimes, each day is a struggle but I take it one step at a time. I owe it all to my family, my therapist, my pastor and my psychiatrist and all of the people who have been rooting for me all this time.

People often wonder how I make it through each day with multiple mental illnesses, but I guess it all comes down to one word, "Believe." Believe in yourself. Believe in God. Believe in the impossible. Believe in the best. In order to make it this far without a hospitalization, I have had to believe that it was possible, even when I wanted to doubt. I had to believe in my inner strength and the strength that God has given me. I had to believe that what truly looked insurmountable and impossible was truly possible. I had to believe that I could beat the odds.

So I celebrate today in making it as far as I have. This is the longest stretch of no hospital visits since 2010. And that is something I really am excited about. I am beyond blessed...

He Goes With You

"Never will He hold your hand more tightly than when He is leading you through the dark."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

I came across this quote just now and I wanted to write about it. I absolutely love the imagery.

To me, that is powerful because I am afraid of the dark. Pitch blackness terrifies me. It is the unknown... not knowing where you are, what you're doing, etc. I have been afraid of the dark ever since I was a little child. I fear night time. Some of the worst things that can happen to someone have happened to me in the dark. When I was left home alone as a teenager and neglected, I often would go around the house checking all the windows, looking to see if anyone was outside. This past week, I have had nightmares every single night. To me, darkness is synonymous to fear, terror and difficulties.

But the truth is that God has led me through some of the darkest situations that one can go through. Abuse. Homelessness. Loss and Grief. Neglect. Mental Illness. No doubt in my mind that He has held my hand through it all. He has led me through and each and every day, I am walking closer to the Light, to Him. He is guiding me, holding my hand and leading the way towards my freedom.

No matter how difficult things get today, never forget that God goes with you.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Power of Prayer

"Recently I directed a three-day silent retreat... I met briefly with each woman and asked her to write on a sheet of paper the one grace that she would most like to receive from the Lord. A married woman...told me she wanted more than anything to actually experience just one time the love of God...

The following morning this woman (whom I'll call Winky) arose before dawn and went for a walk on the beach which was less than fifty yards from our house. Walking along the seashore barefoot, with the chilly waters of the Atlantic Ocean lapping against her feet and ankles, she noticed some one hundred yards away a teenage boy and a woman fifteen yards behind walking in her direction. In less than a minute the boy had passed by to her left, but the woman made an abrupt ninety-degree turn, walked straight toward Winky, embraced her deeply and kissed her on the cheek. She whispered 'I love you,' and continued on her way. Winky had never seen the woman before. Winky wandered along the beach for another hour before returning to the house. She knocked on my door. When I opened it, she was smiling. 'Our prayer was answered.' "
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Do you ever have a moment in your life when your prayers are answered so obviously that you are just in amazement? Have your prayers ever been answered in an unexpected way?

On Sunday night, I went to a bible study with other graduate students and oddly enough, the conversation was about prayer. I think it's kind of odd that I put off reading the rest of the chapter in The Ragamuffin Gospel until now. I left off right at this story. As I read this powerful story, I was just amazed at how the woman's prayer was answered. Even more so because quite a few of my prayers have been answered in the past two days.

I am writing this on Monday night and editing it Tuesday morning, not my usual routine but I've done it a couple times. I wanted to write in the heat of the moment and I also feel like I am in the writing mood.

God answered my prayers in a big way today and I know he answered my mother's as well. That's because I shared some news with her and she was so excited that she was crying tears of joy. We both shared the excitement since we have both been praying about something in our lives and God answered in a strong way, much like the woman's prayers.

Sometimes you just never know when your prayers will be answered, but when God does answer them, all you can do is stand in awe and amazement.

I also posted on Sunday on my Facebook about my "funk" that I've been in lately. All I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day and all night, not do anything. I think it's a bout with depression. Anyway, I asked for prayers. Yesterday, my prayers were answered and today, I continue to be out of the "funk." I'm feeling better each day and the depression seems to have subsided.

Sometimes you just need to wait, but there is unimaginable power in prayer.

Powerful Prayer

I am mentally, physically and spiritually drained. A lot is happening in my life right now and I don't really know what to do except crawl up in a ball. The past few days, all I've wanted to do is sleep. I'm trying to figure out if it's just that I'm really tired or if I'm depressed or if it's the meds. Whatever it is, yesterday was the first day I felt a bit out of the "funk."

I just came across a prayer that I wrote in my journal last semester and I want to share it. I want to share it because I think it's awesome to see that God truly answered my prayer through some of my greatest difficulties last semester. He strengthened me in a way I never expected and it was very meaningful to read it this morning. It was a powerful reminder that God answers prayer and helps us through difficulties.

Lord, I don't know what you are going to do through me but I keep praying and trusting that you will take all of the garbage that's happened in my life and help me to become who you want me to be. Thank you so much for the ways you are healing me and transforming me. I ask that you continue to mold me and remind me that I am cleansed and redeemed. I am not a little child anymore. I am not a lonely teenager anymore. I am your precious child and I thank you for ever single day that I live, even the most difficult ones- even the ones when I ask myself why I am still fighting. I know that you are on my side and I have felt you in so many ways these last few weeks...

I pray that you would take away the anxiety and fill me with your peace which surpasses all understanding. I pray that you continue to strengthen me every day and give me the courage and bravery I need to overcome all of this. Please help me not listen or give into the enemy's attacks because I know that good will win. I know that I am not a victim, but a victor in you.

Please remind me of positive things in my life when the evil and bad memories come. Please tranform the pain and darkness in my life into joy, peace and love. Please let me see your light even in the darkest times. Let me never lose sight of the hope I can only find in You.

Continue to heal me, restore me, trasnform me, mold me, cleanse me, redeem me and refresh me.

Beloved Child

I just came across this quote and I needed to hear it this morning.

"You are not defined by anything that happened to you or anything you have done. You are defined by who you are in Christ. You are God's beloved child."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

This quote spoke to me this morning because sometimes, I think I am defined by my past, by my past regrets and mistakes.

But I'm not.

I am God's precious child.

And so are you!

The truth is that we are all God's children and we all can move forward from our past. We all can find strength inside us to move past the past, strength that is given to us through God's love. And that is the strength I am finding within myself each and every day that I choose to move forward.

My Thoughts on Miley

Most have you have heard a lot about the things that Miley Cyrus has been doing. I, for one, have tried my best to stay out of the news, which is barely possible with the statuses and news scrolling down my Facebook news feed.

I still don't exactly know what went on at the VMA's, seeing as I've been avoiding it, but I know there just was way too much sexuality. I can't believe that just a few years ago, I heard about Janet Jackson's bra mishap at an awards show. It was all over the news and people thought it was just absolutely crazy. And now, we turn on the TV just a few years later to what? Miley Cyrus....you know what. A whole new level.

I tried my best to ignore the Miley Cyrus "craze."

But then something recently came up that really hits home for me.

In the past few days, there has been correspondence between Sinead O'Connor and Miley. It got to the point that Miley tweeted about O'Connor's battle with bipolar disorder, mocking her struggles.

As someone who has battled with schizophrenia and bipolar for years, watching Miley Cyrus, someone I used to look up to when I was younger, make fun of somebody else's similar battle really shook me. It shook me to the core and really hit home.

All I can do is sit and say, "Is this what our world has come to?"

I, for one, hope that Miley is not diagnosed with any mental illness, because I do not want to be in any way associated with her at this point. I know a ton of people with mental illness that are not even close to as wild as she is being now.

The mentally ill are not to be made fun of. Many of us struggle day to day and barely make it through to another day. It is not facetious in any way, shape or form and it is not something to poke fun of.

I lost my oldest brother to suicide, possibly caused by bipolar disorder. That is not funny at all.

I am proud to be surviving my battle with my mental illnesses. It is a daily struggle at times, but it is incredibly rewarding at other times.

Awe and Wonder

I started reading chapter 5 of The Ragamuffin Gospel yesterday on my way to see my therapist. From the get-go, the chapter is about how the grace of God is kind of forgotten in our society. We have lost the wonder we had as children living in the world, asking "why" over and over and seeing the beauty in everything around us.

"Our world is saturated with grace, and the lurking presence of God is revealed not only in spirit but in matter- in a deer leaping across a meadow, in the flight of an eagle, in fire and in water, in a rainbow after a summer storm, in a gentle doe streaking through a forest, in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, in a child licking a chocolate ice cream cone, in a woman with windblown hair. God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

I admit that I know I've lost some of the wonder I had as a child. Even when I was a freshman in college, I had more wonder than I have now. The summer after freshman year, I went to UVA to do cancer research. I was so ecstatic and soon found myself in awe of the instruments I was using and the research I was doing. Every new thing about research amazed me.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the awe and wonder I once had about the world. I wish I could find that inspiration inside of me even more, in which I see the beauty in everything in God's creation. I do definitely have moments in which I am in absolute awe of God, but I wish it was more often.

Making It Through

I have been counting down the days until I celebrate 6 months with no hospitalization. Half a year... I have 6 days left. I am really being challenged right now, but I think I can make it. I've been the closest to a hospitalization than I've been in awhile. If I am successful in making it to 6 months, it will be the longest stretch I've gone without a hospitalization since 2010. Not a small feat.

Sometimes we just need to take it day by day, step by step. Some say we take it in "baby steps." As my mom always says, "Progress not perfection." We don't have to be perfect, but we just have to keep moving forward and making progress.

This past week, I felt very overwhelmed at times. Worried thoughts were coarsing through my mind. Fear was running rampant. But I took the necessary steps I needed to in order to stay out of the hospital. Things are still very rough but I am making it through each day.

Some days are harder than others, but if we stay in tune with God and allow Him to strengthen us, we can make it through anything.

I wanted to share two songs that have been on replay for the past few days. I hope and pray that they speak to you in a powerful way, in the same way that they have for me.

Worn- Tenth Avenue North

Overcomer- Mandisa

No Tears Left

Something really difficult is happening in my life right now, but I am not really able to blog about it at this time. All I ask is that you pray for my family. We need your prayers desparately to get through this time. It is incredibly rough and right now, I am honestly just trying to stay out of the hospital.

I am frustrated, tired, and worn out.

Sometimes stuff goes wrong in our lives. Sometimes we are frustrated with circumstances. Sometimes we don't know which way is up or down. Sometimes we are hurt and we don't know how to fix it. Sometimes our patience is running thin. Sometimes we just want to weep but we have no tears left.

Right now, I'm all of the above.

And in those times, we are called to trust God. We are called to surrender our circumstances to Him and trust that He has great plans for our lives. We are called to believe that a better day truly is on its way and that things won't get worse.

Sometimes it's hard to trust but there's no other option.

Free to Trust

"To believe deeply, as Jesus did, that God is present and at work in human life is to understand that I am a beloved child of this Father and, hence, free to trust... To trust Abba, both in prayer and life, is to stand in childlike openness before a mystery of gracious love and acceptance."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

We are currently on Chapter Four of this book in my Bible study and I honestly think this is the most powerful chapter so far. I read the chapter twice because there's just so much to digest and take in.

This quote spoke to me because sometimes it's hard for me to trust God when He works in my life. It's hard sometimes to give over the control of my life, even though I know that God is good. Often, I want the control because I feel "safer" with control in my own hands.

Why should I trust God? Why should we trust God?

Because God holds this world in His hands. He is a gracious God, loving and accepting.  He is our true Father. He cares about us deeper than anyone can. He knows us on a level that nobody else can. His love is so incomparable, radiating through every aspect of our lives, if we trust Him. There is nothing we go through in this life that God can't handle or help us through.

I want to leave with another quote from Chapter Four.

"To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

What a Catastrophe!

As I sat in the dentist's chair with the bright light shining down into my eyes yesterday, my anxiety coursed through my veins. But I went. My paranoia was a bit worse yesterday after my appointment, but the outcome of my appointment was better than I thought it would be. 

Sometimes we need to face our worst fears in order to move forward. I was so scared about going that I thought of the worst case scenario. I dreamed and thought the worst case scenario for days and then when it came time for the appointment, it went better than expected and I was relieved.

I am a worst-case scenario type of thinker. I tend to imagine the worst case scenarios of everything I encounter. My anxiety is almost always on alert.

I am a catastrophizer, I admit it.

A couple weeks ago, I had an exam and afterwards, I thought I failed it. This turned into "I think I'm going to have to drop this class and stay another semester just for one class. Then my financial aid won't go through. Then I will become homeless because I won't have any place to stay. Then I'll just be..." You get the picture.... The rabbit trail of worst cases.

Anyways, I passed the exam and got 9 points above the average. Needless to say, I was very happy and am still excited.

But I don't think that catastrophizing and "worst-case-scenario-izing" is how God wants us to live. I think God wants us to live thinking about the best case scenarios. He doesn't want our anxiety and stress to always be high. He wants us to trust Him that everything will work out and that we have nothing to worry about.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:34 (NIV)